I’m changing blogs!! Please update your readers with elevenpetals.com/blog!! :) Also – you will find my version of “Things to do when you are bored” or “The Big List of Pleasurable Activities” on the new blog – CLICK HERE.

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Anxiety.  Stress.  We feel it.  We react.  Sometimes we react well.  YAY!  Happy days!!!  *smiley face emoticon*

But sometimes stress causes us to be overwhelmed with emotion. *frowny face emoticon*   ;)

We are overwhelmed by stress.  We react poorly.  Our emotions course through our veins, race through our minds, and/or sink into an uncomfortable pit in our stomachs and we, in a sense, lose control.  Logic flies out the window. We shut-down.  We bite back.  We avoid.  We cry.  We act in spite: spiting ourselves, our loved ones, our feelings.  Our emotions take over.  We spiral.

In my last post, we discussed Common but Self-Defeating Coping Mechanisms for Stress and detailed the negative consequences to each mechanism.   And let’s be honest – most of us have used more than one of those coping strategies on the list.  That’s why I labeled them “common”. ;)

Ok – so, sure – it’s great to acknowledge these reactions are self-defeating… and even better to acknowledge you use them. (or maybe vice versa)  But so what?  When you’re living in that moment you don’t care!!   If you DID, you wouldn’t be acting that way.  *duh*

So what can you do?  How do we fight back if, in a way, we’ve already lost control?

Distraction.

You need to distract yourself so that you can snap out of it and come back to the situation/problem/stress with a refreshed and in-control mind. :) *Big SMILE!* :) Distraction skills help you temporarily stop thinking about your stress, they help you prevent your emotions from spiraling farther and they give you time to find an appropriate reaction for your stress. :) :) *Even BIGGER Smile* :) :)

Soooo…..Make the choice NOW, that you WILL choose to distract yourself the next time you find yourself in a self-defeating reaction to stress. YAY! :) Tell yourself NOW that no matter how convincing your irrational justifications for your behavior are, the next time you find yourself coping with stress in a self-defeating way, you WILL, even though you won’t want to, try a distracting technique.  (which btw – will be covered more in the next post)

Have you done it yet?  Have you made the choice? :) :) :)

No?  ok – well… seriously…

Do it.  *warrior face emoticon*

haha.  Just teasing.  But for REAL?  Make the decision.  NOW.  Because if you don’t do it NOW – you probably will find yourself wishing you had.

(and I wonder why my boyfriend teases me about being bossy *slanted smile emoticon*)

;)

****IMPORTANT NOTE: Please do not confuse distracting yourself with avoidance.  Distracting yourself when your emotions are overwhelming?  Good.  Avoiding?  BAD.  The difference? “When you avoid a distressing situation you choose not to deal with it.  But when you distract yourself from a distressing situation, you still intend to deal with it in the future, when your emotions have calmed down.”*****

Ok – so we understand the importance of and the “why should we?” for distraction… BUT

Before we use distracting skills we need Radical Acceptance 

Distracting yourself will never work unless you learn “Radical Acceptance”.  Radical Acceptance is accepting life for what it is – judgment free.  If you can’t accept that life IS and cannot be controlled, you are probably a control freak.  What?  You probably are!

Let’s be real.  Life cannot be controlled.  Bad things happen.  Stress happens.  And wishing something didn’t happen is ultimately a waste of your time.  When you are upset that something happened you miss the point that it DID happen and now you need to deal with it.

Let’s think about this for a second.  Do you REALLY think that being upset and angry, or wishing something didn’t happen will change the outcome of something that has already happened? Or going back to our list of Common but Self-Defeating Coping Mechanisms for Stress - will ANY of these reactions CHANGE the outcome of what lead to your stress?

If you said “yes” – you are wrong. *Playful winky emoticon*  Each of those coping mechanisms ultimately paralyze you.  You cannot move forward and change the situation when you are busy engaging in self-defeating behaviors.  You might not be able to prevent feeling angry, upset, critical and judgmental, but you can accept that dwelling on those feelings won’t help.

Feel it, acknowledge it, accept it, move forward.

Trying to fight a moment in time, that has already happened, only leads to poor reactions and more stress.

Now, of course, this doesn’t mean you have to condone or agree with bad behavior in other people.  Accepting life for what it is only encourages you to not get angry about what has already happened and to not waste time trying to point the finger.  Blame, anger and dwelling will never help!  If a situation needs to be changed – change it!! but don’t dwell on who is to blame or get caught up in being disappointed in yourself for allowing the situation to happen.

Feel it, acknowledge it, accept it, move forward.

Back to Distraction

We’re going to talk more about Radical Acceptance in future blog posts but for now … let’s get back to Distraction as a coping mechanism for stress.

Developing distraction skills are more involved than I realized at first.  It’s going to take more than one post to get through them. *sorry!!*  BUT since I promised you some distracting ideas in THIS post, I’ve included pages 15-16 from “The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook” by McKay, Wood and Brantley for you (Click the link for a pdf).  It’s called “The Big List of Pleasurable Activities” and they claim it contains a list of over 100 ideas of things to do.  But I think listing “exercise” and then 14 different ways to exercise shouldn’t be counted as 15 things to do :) so I edited the list, added a few of my own ideas and included my amended version at the bottom of this post.  Please consider doing one of these things when you start feeling yourself reacting poorly or not caring that you are upset.  YAY!!!!

(YAY that there is a list – NOT yay that you are reacting poorly)

But WAIT!  There really is more!

If looking at the list makes you think “This will never work” – bear with me ok? *hopeful smiley emoticon*  I realize this is just a LONG list of things to do.  But the fact is, doing ANYTHING to change the pace a little should help you refocus and refresh your mind.  YAY!

PLUS – we haven’t gotten to the distraction SKILLS yet! :)  That will be next time. :) My next blog will cover in-depth ideas for distracting your thoughts and I’ll also go over the book’s suggestions for relaxing and fighting anxiety.

So …

to be continued! :)

And please CLICK HERE to be taken to the list of things to do :)  It’s at the bottom of the blog. :) :)  Thanks!!

Sometimes, no matter how prepared we are, the world feels like it’s crashing down on us.

We are overwhelmed with emotion.  Unprepared for the moment.  Maybe even depressed by current situations.  It doesn’t matter if the trigger is big or small: unexpected accidents, disappointment, unrealistic expectations, broken hearts, unobtainable dreams, approaching deadlines…   ANXIETY.

Overwhelming Emotion can strike anyone at anytime.

But with the right tools, we can strike back.

For the next little bit I’m going to share with you what I am learning from the book I’m reading on “Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation and Distress Tolerance.”

I’ve had this book on my shelf for over a year now but haven’t taken the time to read through it.  I wanted to practice mindfulness last October and after doing a bit of research I learned that Dialectical Behavior Therapy is all about teaching mindfulness.  Sure – it was created to help people with BPD and so that makes it a little extreme *yikes!!* but I figured that the core principles of the book would be a great foundation for learning to practice healthy mindfulness – so I bought the book anyway and am NOW going to read through it. YAY!  Happy days!!

The first section asks you to recognize your current COPING STRATEGIES for stress.

When feeling overwhelmed or stressed, do you…

• dwell on the past? your mistakes? current problems?
• get anxious thinking about the future?
• find yourself avoiding social situations?
• snap and lose your temper with people?
• avoid the problem?
• over-eat or under-eat?
• find that your favorite things have no appeal?
• resign yourself and be depressed?
• live a little on the edge? (i.e. do risky/dangerous things?)
• turn to drugs/prescriptions/alcohol to numb the emotional pain?

Because if you do – I have news for you!!!  YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE.

hahahahaha.  You PROLLY already knew that.  And unfortunately this knowledge PROLLY just spirals the stress. :(

The book suggests taking a moment to reflect on the  consequences of the above reactions to stress.  Are ANY of the above mentioned “coping mechanisms” actually helpful?

NOPE.

Let’s look at consequences for the above coping strategies:

• If you dwell on the past, your mistakes, and current problems:  Waste time, miss opportunities to live in the NOW, regret missing these moments, feel depressed, feel ANXIETY
• If you get anxious thinking about the future:  Waste time, miss opportunities to live in the NOW, procrastinate planning for the future then feel stressed when you are unprepared, feel depressed, feel anxiety
• If you avoid social situations:  Feel isolated and depressed, miss opportunities to have fun, regret missing these moments.
• If you snap and lose your temper with people:  Hurt relationships and feel depressed for hurting your relationships, feel bad about yourself, low self-esteem.
• If you avoid the problem:  Feel unprepared, overwhelmed, get burned out, neglect your own needs.
• If you over-eat or under-eat:  Weight gain or loss, health consequences, anxiety, grumpiness, disappointment in self and lack of self-control, low self esteem, depression.
• If you find that your favorite things have no appeal:  Depression, loss of enjoyment.
• If you resign yourself and be depressed:  Depression, loss of enjoyment, hurt relationships.
• If you live a little on the edge: (i.e. do risky/dangerous things?)  Physical pain, accidents, trauma, death.
• If you turn to drugs/prescriptions/alcohol to numb the emotional pain:  Loss of respect of self, depression, loss of money, relationship problems, health consequences, addiction.

All of the coping mechanisms above lead to prolonged stress, anxiety and unhappiness. There are healthier ways to cope.

So what do you do instead?

DISTRACT YOURSELF.

Chapter One of the book deals with “Distracting Skills” – and we’ll talk about THOSE in the next blog. :)

Have a happy day/night! :)

Oh my.  Have you ever tried to get a group of 6 and 7 year olds to sit still and listen to you teach them for AN HOUR outside of school?  It’s not easy.  In fact – it’s impossible.

Or so I thought.

This week I tried something new.  I usually give them a treat (sugarless, but very flavorful gum – and they get to pick each week between a bunch of flavors – I don’t like using food as a reward :-o ) as incentive to be “good” during class.  They love it!! :)  But THIS week I brought an extra treat.  One they could earn at the BEGINNING of class, conditional upon their utter and complete silence while they took turns telling me about their week. (I love redundancy.  Is there any form of silence that is not utter or complete?  And aren’t utter and complete synonyms?  Why yes – they are. ;)

ANYWAY

Usually they compete with each other during “tell me about your week” time.  The first child says he or she did x,y,z and then the second child OF COURSE did x,y,z TOO but ALSO did a, b, and c so then the first child has to interrupt to explain they ALSO had a,b, and c but that they just forgot to mention it and then the THIRD child adds even MORE so the first and second children have to pipe in AGAIN… I think you get the idea.  It’s great fun. :-\

I don’t love the competition so I told them that I’d give them one caramel (hee hee – kids are so easy to please!!) at the end of in-class sharing time if they would be SILENT while their classmates spoke.  I WAS SHOCKED!

I have NEVER, and neither has my team teacher who has taught them for the past year, seen them so quiet.  YAY!  Hip hip hooray! :)  They didn’t utter even one tiny PEEP while their classmates spoke.  And then after in-class sharing time – because they had just been practicing listening and being quiet for the past 5 minutes they STAYED quiet for another 10!!!

I’m a genius! ;)

And now that I’ve proven to myself and to them that they ARE capable of listening :) I’ve got a whole new set of expectations!!  hahahaha – just kidding.

kind of.

I don’t want to teach a class where the children are silent :) I LOVE our boisterous activity time AND we usually try and play a game too (kids need wiggle time).  I don’t want to run a prison camp.  However, having them respect their classmates by listening and not competing is something I will continue to do. :)  So YAY!  I found success!

To my seven readers, :)  3 of you already knew that I have been teaching for a few weeks now so this post comes as no shock to you – but to the rest of you?  I’m TEACHING church stuff!!  Did your jaw drop to the floor?  HAHA!  Don’t worry – it’s not like THAT.  Not like the “praise the Lord – good great sweet baby Jesus” type of church teaching – not that there would be anything wrong with that – but we all know that just isn’t me.  (btw – did any of you watch that Nascar prayer? HAHAHAHAHAHA! I know I shouldn’t laugh but HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Was he SERIOUS??  ”We thank you for the dodges and the fords… In Jesus name, bugguty bugguty” HAHAHA!  Watch it here)

No – nothing like that.  I’m just teaching a little “do service and be kind” type of stuff (which happens to be stuff I believe) to a class of 6-7 year olds and I’m only doing it because the leader in the church group I attend asked me to and much to my dismay I said yes.

Right.  Much to my dismay, I said yes. ;)

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TEACHING IN CHURCH MEANS???  It means I have to actually ATTEND church EVERY WEEK.  Pretty clever of that bishop if you ask me.  ;)  My attendance in church has been NON-EXISTENT for TEN YEARS!  Which probably makes you want to ask, “Why in the world did a bishop of a church group ask you to teach a class of 6-7 year olds if you’ve been agnostic for most of the last ten years?”  Well… that’s a good question. :)  But since you didn’t raise your hand … ;) just kidding.  I’m not very good at enforcing the kids to raise their hands in class either.  But that’s because they’re TERRIFIED of me.  HAHAHAHA!  Just kidding again.  Man I’m a riot tonight! ;)  No but for REAL??

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. ;)

OOORRRRR maybe I’ve been studying a lot about why religion can be good over the past year so I’m not such a terrible choice. ;)  It was probably time I looked a little more closely at the “cup half full” side of it.  I HAVE spent countless years studying about how horrid organized religion is – and although I retain my opinions on the dangers of organized religion – I believe my current church participation doesn’t encroach on these firmly held beliefs about religions in general.  And I think being a responsible church goer means being aware of the good AND the bad of a religion.  But that’s not a blog topic for today – or for any other day because it’s SO LONG AND EXTRA EXTRA BORING!!!

But yeah … the short of it is that he had his reasons for asking and I had my own for saying yes. :)  And I think I am going to enjoy this new adventure: teaching little, incredibly bossy, CANNOT SIT STILL, or listen to a word I’m saying, kids about being kind.

Oh and this Selena Gomez, “I love you like a love song” video is crazy weird!!  But I love the song!! :)

ok so look – I know I said the next blog was going to be about the value trifecta but I changed my mind.  :) If I waited until that blog was ready – I wouldn’t blog for a LONG time.  And then I just read Vanessa’s blog about Dog Soup, and yes it was made with REAL DOGS siiiiiick (but for realz – go read it!!! I laughed OUT LOUD) and I remembered that I once said I would NEVER eat cow tongue – NEVER EVER EVER!!!!

But then HE happened:

And I DID eat it because you see that guy above?  I fell in love with him.  And he lived in Honduras for a few years and he said, “Trust me – it’s good.”  So I did.

And I liked it.

siiiiiick

But I really did like it – which is still siiiiiick but when cooked correctly – very succulent!  ;)  But ANYWAY life is unpredictable and you never know when you might change your perspective – so…. what I really want to talk about today is CHANGE.  :)

Reframing – a necessary tool

Reframing has been one of, if not THE biggest factor in my ability to accept, change and move forward.  It allows you (or me! YAY!) to change your ENTIRE pattern of thinking without feeling like a poser  ;) It lets you save face – *YAY* – and it lets you stay true to your values even while changing your mind on big issues.  And the best part!!!  If you are logical and keep an open heart and mind, reframing can create change or at least cause ripples immediately.

p.s. I MAY have thrown in a few confessions here and there to keep this post spicy.  ;)  So back to blogging …

WHAT IS REFRAMING?

• Wikipedia “…reframing a situation or context, thus sees a situation in another frame. A frame can refer to a belief, what limits our view of the world. If we let this limiting belief go, new conceptions and interpretation possibilities can develop...”
• Changingminds.org “..A frame, or ‘frame of reference’ is a complex schema of unquestioned beliefs, values and so on that we use when inferring meaning. If any part of that frame is changed (hence ‘reframing’), then the meaning that is inferred may change.”
• NLP Reframing “…Changing the frame of an experience can have a major influence on how you perceive, interpret and react to that experience.”
• On a simpler note – reframing can be as simple as understanding that “truth” with a lower case t, CAN have more than one side.  And just because you experience or perceive ONE truth – it doesn’t mean there can’t be an equally compelling truth if you look at the situation from another direction.

Btw – Chloe – my dog who is a bumbly bear – hurt her leg and was limping a lot.  So I took her into the vet.

She’s now on drugs.

BENEFITS OF REFRAMING:

• Allows acceptance
• Allows forgiveness
• Creates a new reality
• Has life-changing potential
• And I think Chloe is now a drug addict. :-|

EXAMPLE

The other night she kept looking at me with her happy smile.

Pant, pant, pant, puppy eyes, smile, pant pant pant.  I couldn’t figure out what she wanted!! I said, “Show me” and she lead me into the kitchen…. uh oh – the kitchen?  This had trouble written ALL over it.

I went to the treat jar – no no – she didn’t want that.  SHE – piggy of all piggies!!! – WALKED AWAY FROM THE TREAT JAR!!  So I asked if she wanted to go outside – she took two MORE steps back and sat down with stubborn determination.  She was NOT going to go outside.

Pant pant pant.  More puppy eyes.  SMILE!!!  WAG WAG!

“Chloe bear – WHAT do you want?”

WAG WAG WAG WAG WAG WAG WAG WAG – she went back to where the treat jar was  - and that’s when I noticed.  Her pain pills were sitting RIGHT next to the treat jar. *oh boy* My dog wanted drugs.  My dog is a drug addict. ***SHOCK OF ALL SHOCKS!!!***  Well – ok – maybe it’s only *mostly shocking* she is a little chubby wubby lazy bear – it doesn’t surprise me TOO much that she likes a lil something something extra to help her stay EXTRA lazy.  ;)

OK!!!! BACK TO REFRAMING!!! Though you will find that I tie my confessional of Chloe back into reframing in a bit but for now – If you want a great life changing personal example of how a bloggy friend/reader helped ME reframe – I’d recommend reading the following posts – I went from feeling like an utter failure with every reason (in my mind) to logically believe so – to just days later understanding that there was another side and that I may have been too hard on myself.  ALL FROM THE HELP OF ONE COMMENT!!!! Sure I still feel like a failure on many levels – just not the same ones.  :)

• Post One: My Self Measure Means Failure

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote … depresses me because it screams at me, “YOU ARE A FAILURE!”  A complete and pathetic failure with no backbone and no sense of identity.  (Read more if you want)

• Post Two: I told the Dr. I didn’t know who I was

I remember, at the age of 25, when I went to see a psychiatrist.

“What can I help you with Daisy?”

“I don’t know who I am, what I want from life, or what I like.”

He looked at me with surprise.  He and I had met before. …. He had always believed I was very self-assured, confident and independent.  How could I not know myself?  (Read more about my search for identity AND find suggestions to help you find out more about your OWN self :) YAY! )

• Comment on Post Two because I turned comments off on Post One: Phoebe’s paradigm shifting comment

“This sort of relates more to your last post, but I think maybe you’re failing to recognize that the fact that you didn’t just allow everyone who was trying to make you conform means that you actually WERE “finding yourself” all of…” (read the rest) and Thanks again Phoebe!!!

• Post Three: A New Perspective to my Failure (with a side note on the dangers of “comfort zones”)

…Is it possible that I’m not such a failure after all?…although I may not have known my mind completely – I was learning what I didn’t like.  :)  I did play along with “THEM” and played the part – but I suppose I never really conformed did I?… Maybe I need to have a little more faith in myself.  :)  I never conformed in my heart.  Never.  And looking at the circumstances I pushed through – I feel safe to say I never will.

And back to Chloe, the drug addict.

MAYBE – just maybe – she’s NOT a drug addict.  MAYBE – just maybe – she likes the cream cheese I wrap her pills in.  AAANNNDDDD  Maybe – just maybe ;) I might have discovered, after testing, she is equally happy with a tiny dab of cream cheese as she is with a pain pill wrapped in cream cheese.

So in conclusion.  :) Reframing – keeping an open mind – looking for another side or being willing to hear another side – continually giving the “benefit of the doubt” and actively searching for ways to confirm this benefit of the doubt you gave - INCLUDING GIVING THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT TO YOURSELF (and Chloe) – this may not seem like much. But I promise you:

Reframing has the power to permenantly change a frown upside down and to help you accept (yourself or others), forgive (yourself or others), move forward, and provide new realities that might unlock a newer, happier you.

Please feel free to email if you have questions or would like more information.  Daisy@australiandaisy.com or watch for upcoming installments on areas of life that might benefit from reframing.  And as said before – watch for an upcoming post on Humility! :)