Journal Day 8
omgosh!!! We have been busy!! And even now I only have a few minutes to write – tonight is night 2 of our Anne of Green Gables Marathon. The BF said he wouldn’t watch Eclipse but he’d watch Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea?? Ahahahahahahaha!
Great deal for me! That’s trading 2 hours of a so-so tweeny-bopper movie for EIGHT hours of pure Daisy Bliss. *happy sigh* I’m a lucky gal. ;)
Journal Day 7
I decided to experiment with textured paint the other day ….
And seriously – I get that this isn’t museum worthy but I thought it was kind of fun! It’s kind of like a mix of acrylic throw-up and preschooler art, shaped (very very roughly) like the picture we took on the 4th of July that was really cute but blurry. :) I hung it up on the wall.
He couldn’t tell what it was. And the look of OBVIOUS discomfort that crossed his face as he struggled to find words to comment on the painting was painful to watch. lol.
That’s the last time I make experimental art for him!
Hmpf.
(in other news it’s GREAT to have him here!!!) :)
Journal Day 6
He arrives tomorrow. He’ll be here for 3 weeks. THREE WEEKS!! Excitement leaves me quite single-minded.
I’ve told Duchess and Chloe. They wag their tails appropriately. We even bought a few new toys for them to play with him. And they REALLY wagged their tails at that. (I suspect they’re more excited about the toys then about his arrival but as dutiful dogs they remain silent and don’t admit it.)
A few strains of a terribly annoying song have just run through my mind. I better go to sleep before they do damage. ;)
“Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love you tomorrow! You’re only a day away…”
HAHA Now they’re running through YOUR head too!! xoxo ~Daisy
Journal Day 5
I have to give thanks to Phoebe from Wicked to Heaps for sharing her perspective!! :) Thank you!! Is it possible that I’m not such a failure after all? In My self measure spells failure I confessed that because I’ve been a “yes” girl my whole life I felt I lacked a firm identity – thereby making myself a failure. Phoebe helped me see that although I may not have known my mind completely – I was learning what I didn’t like. :) I did play along with “THEM” and played the part – but I suppose I never really conformed did I? If I had – I would have grown to like the things I was “supposed” to and thereby wouldn’t be wondering what I like and don’t like. :) I wouldn’t be fighting to find the voice I feel was suppressed!
And I have to be honest – that makes me smile!! :) Maybe I need to have a little more faith in myself. :) I never conformed in my heart. Never. And looking at the circumstances I pushed through – I feel safe to say I never will.
Oh and quick sidenote – yeah, sure, I may find that as my life evolves I may eventually fall into unexpected molds – molds that I resisted to start! But at least by then I’ll know it’s because it’s what I want and not because it was something I was told to want.
YAY FOR ME!!!!
Nessa mentioned comfort zones in her comment. I wanted to touch on that for a moment. I completely agree that by testing your comfort zones you test yourself. You learn about yourself and you have the potential for growth. She hit that spot on! AND surprisingly she gave me bait for introspection because I really don’t like using the term comfort zone. Let me verbalize why. :)
I didn’t mention comfort zones in my post because I struggle with the notion of them. As innocent as the idea of a comfort zone may be – it wields dangerous power. Our society is so geared up about “getting out of your comfort zone” that those who don’t are sometimes frowned upon!! And sadly – this means that meanies out there can use comfort zone lingo as a way to manipulate and pressure others into doing things they don’t want to do.
Do you want to know how many people have used the “comfort zone speech” to try to get me to drink? To smoke? To do drugs? To go somewhere that was shady? Or to put myself in dangerous circumstances?
Too many.
We all have (or at least I sure hope and believe we all should have) inner voices that tell us what we are and are not comfortable with. When we ignore them too often – we may find we no longer can hear them at all. :( I think – and I’m sure you would all agree – it’s OK not to push certain boundaries and it’s definitely OK to push others.
ANYWAY – I’m trying to keep these “journal series” posts on the shorter side so I’ll stop there – but hopefully I’ve given you some food for thought. :)
Try new things! Question everything! And ask yourself why you don’t want to do something. If you’re making silly excuses – then maybe it’s time to step out of that comfort zone!! :) HOWEVER always listen to your inner voice. And if you’ve lost your inner voice? Well … that’s a post for another day.
Journal Day 4
I remember, at the age of 25, when I went to see a psychiatrist.
“What can I help you with Daisy?”
“I don’t know who I am, what I want from life, or what I like.”
He looked at me with surprise. He and I had met before. But he had met the persona. The image I had carefully crafted. He had always believed I was very self-assured, confident and independent. How could I not know myself? And why was I coming into see him when I didn’t have any disorders and didn’t need medication?? LOL!! It took a little discussion for him to understand what I wanted from therapy and then we began. I saw him for about a year and then moved to Australia where I picked up with a psychiatrist there.
TWO YEARS of therapy!!! and I still don’t know exactly who I am. It’s discouraging (i.e. yesterday’s post) but it’s not ALL doom and gloom. Because, although I may be far from the knowledge I seek – I am so so so so so so so so so so much closer than before.
I think a lot of bloggers have a very strong voice and identity. And since most of my readers are bloggers – these suggestions may be of no use to you. But for the random reader out there who may feel the way I did or still do … I hope this list of suggestions helps you learn a bit about yourself.
I’m still in the process of learning about myself but I’m happy to report I’m making progress. :) My 101 list has been a great help, as was living in Australia, traveling, and learning to accept that I’m an introvert. (more on that later.)
I’ve finally given up the facade I’ve held onto for so long. It’s SCARY!!! I feel lost!!! But I’ll never truly find my voice if I don’t give up the manufactured one. And hopefully sometime soon I’ll find new and stronger wings with which to fly.
