Category Archives: Sometimes life really sucks

Facades, authenticity, presentation and you – or me

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If you have been following this blog and have been reading between the lines it will come as no surprise to you that I suck at life right now.  :) Yes I put a smiley face there.  Why?  Because there’s no point frowning about it is there?  Plus it’s a bit amusing to think about the fact that someone could “suck at life” – I realize the inherent EVERYTHING in that statement mmm kay?  But I chose to use the statement anyway.  Because I do suck at life right now – but my presentation is still up to par.

It occurred to me that the only people who would know I suck at life right now are people who caught the few confessional blogs recently or the few friends I’ve let in on it.  Other than that and well – my international student adviser and my teachers at school (who OMGOSH- AGH!!!) – no one would have any clue.

Someone questioned my authenticity because I appear to have everything under control when I FEEL as if nothing is under control.  This really bothered me. Does it make me less authentic because I choose not to tell everyone I meet  that my sky is falling?  Does it make me less authentic if I maintain a certain level of vanity when my inner life is scattered and chaotic?  Why do I have to LOOK like a disaster just because my life is one?  And why the H.E.DOUBLE do I need to act like a disaster if I have personal troubles?  I don’t!!!

Life is what you make it.  I can control SOME things.  Other things are outside of my control.  The things I CAN control – I do.  Why does that make me not authentic?

Ok so I maintain appearances.  I participate in the normal life activities.  I still LAUGH and SMILE and crack jokes and go to parties even though I’ve cried more in this past few months than I have in the past year.  THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME FAKE!  It just means I’m a fighter and I’m fighting to be happy.

I believe our thoughts follow our actions.  And even when my thoughts are less than happy I still try and live a normal, happy, active life.  Why is that such a crime?

What do you think?  To be authentic do you need to ACT depressed when you FEEL depressed?  Is it ok to look good when you’re not feeling well?  Does it make you fake to seem happy, in control, and on top of the world when you don’t always feel that way?

I think the next person who questions my authenticity because they ASSUMED my life is perfect and they ASSUMED I’ve had a trial-free past just because I choose to be happy and I LOOK happy – I’m going to tell them to shove it.  Just because THEY can’t maintain appearances when their life is going to pieces doesn’t mean that I have to follow suit.  :P

Breathe me – Sia

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I don’t have much to say today.  This song is a bit how I feel …

[audio:http://www.therealkylestewart.com/biscuits/jan08/Breathe_Me.mp3|autostart=yes]

Unspoken Words Writing Prompt

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20 Something Writers had an interesting writing prompt.  I’m 20 something and have some unspoken business so yeah – here we go – though I’m not promising any creativity.

We all have something we want to say to someone. Maybe it’s someone in your life now. Or, maybe it is something you wish you said to someone who is no longer in your life. It could even be Mr./Ms. Random Person that you saw in the local coffee shop today. What do you want to say that you were never able to?You can leave the person(s) identity anonymous, if you’d like. Feel free to feature more than one person. Do it in letter form or any form you prefer. Show us that creativity!

I haven’t deleted your number from my phone.  And up until very recently I would find myself thinking, “Oh I should call him about that.”  It’s silly.  I know.  But old habits die hard. I also haven’t deleted your email address or contact information from my address book.  Your birthday is still marked on my calendar. I still think about gift ideas for you at Christmas.

Sometime I dream about you and feel sick when I wake up and realize you’re gone.  Fairly frequently I have nightmares that it was all an accident and we misunderstood.  You didn’t leave for good but now you will.

I see myself becoming more and more like you. I wish I could talk to you about it.  I wonder what you would think if you knew I moved to Australia.  I wonder if you would like it here.

I miss your dry humor.  I miss making fun of people with you.  I miss you.

You were so unhappy with your life.  I hope you don’t feel that way anymore.

I understand why you left.  I love you.

~That is what I would love to say to my brother – may he rest in peace.~

AND NOW here’s to the rest of you who I’ve been dying to talk to:

  • Please shave your legs.
  • You’re not the brightest bulb on the tree and though some people can get away with the F bomb – it happens to make YOU look even less intelligent.
  • I wish I could see you and your fannypack again.
  • I gave you all of the pictures I had of you – please stop self-obsessing and get over it.  :) :)
  • You remind me why it is I like being alone.  :)

Whew – what a list!  Glad I got that off my chest.  ;)

My hours of loneliness

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Over the past 2 months I have been struggling with the Uni of Sydney over an application to change my Masters degree.  It wasn’t a matter of qualifications – just logistics.  And this logistical struggle forced me to miss enrollment – which – in turn – made me face the possibility that I may have to delay my studies for a semester and possibly be deported.  You can imagine all of the thoughts going through my head!!! Is this fate?  Is it time to go home?  Do I want to stay in Sydney?  Am I ready for this chapter of my life to be over? Going back home really wouldn’t be THAT bad – I have a life there – my dogs are there – my family is there – my heart is still there.  And so I prepared for the “worst” – going back home.

I received the official word on my app today.   I may commence a Masters in Digital Communication and Culture on Monday (yep – in one week.)  But instead of feeling relieved and thrilled at the prospect, I feel lost and confused. Is this really what I want?  Is a Masters in Digital Comm going to get me anywhere?  Do I want to live down here for another year?  I miss my puppies. :( Remember the tears from the other day when I was homesick?  Wow do I hate tears.  I’m tough!  I’m strong!  I don’t cry.  Except for those times when it’s 11:45 pm on a Monday night and I feel lost, confused, homesick and there is no one for me to talk to – and then – and only then – a few silent tears escape.

This is the only time of the day when both of my worlds are off limits.  No one is awake yet in SLC and everyone has just gone to bed in Sydney.

Life became terribly complicated very quickly …  I don’t know what to do.  And I’m afraid that Digital Comm is going to end up being like Peace and Conflict – a complete waste of time that gets me no closer to my ultimate career goals.  Speaking of which – I don’t even know what those are.  I just want a job that is creative, challenging, involves design and/or writing, people skills and bonus if it’s for a non-profit org.  Do I really need a Masters for that?

I don’t know.  But I DO know a hug or maybe some puppy time would be really nice right now.

Please stop knocking.

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Late night.  Sunday evening.  It’s dark outside.  I’m alone in the house.  I have my laptop with me in the living room; I’m working on an essay.   Dancing with the Stars blares in the background.  I think I hear knocking.  I’m not expecting any visitors.  I ignore it.  The noise grows more intense.  Knock-knock-knock-knock.

It can’t be knocking.  My flatmates are all gone for the evening.  None of their friends would drop by unannounced.  This is what cellphones are for right?  I mean if someone needed to reach me they would surely call right?  No one surprise visits unless they are very familiar and anyone I’m very familiar with would call me after their initial knocks went unanswered.

I continue to ignore the noise.  It is definitely knocking.

It’s been over a minute now.  Surely whoever is there will get the hint and go away.

I call my flatmate.  “Umm … someone is knocking at the door but I’m not expecting anyone.  Are you expecting anyone?  Is there anyone you know who would drop by?  Because they just keep knocking at the door and they won’t go away…”

He replies, “Don’t answer the door.  Stay where you are.  Don’t go anywhere.  Whatever you do, don’t answer the door.  I’ll leave now, I can be there in 30 minutes.”

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK.  The knocking grows faster paced and more intense.  I freeze.  Something doesn’t feel right.  The knocking pauses.  I can hear my heart pounding.

It starts again.

My heart drops into my stomach.  Please, please stop knocking.  Please, please go away.  Deep breath.  I had forgotten to breathe.

My flatmate calls, “Is the knocking gone?  Don’t go outside until I get home ok?  I’ll be there soon.”

And now I wait. The knocking has stopped.  Deep breath.

A sudden unexpected memory.  “If you try and ignore me I know where you live,” he said to me. “I don’t have to answer the door,” I replied.  He smiled very calmly, “Yes but there’s always the window.”

What was that?  I must be imagining things.  There it is again.  Oh please… please make time hurry.  I look around.  There is definitely a new noise.  Oh no.  Oh please no.  Please, please, please no.  Please.

Why does it sound like there is someone outside of my window?

I’m too scared to look but I think I have to…