Category Archives: My pathetic heart

The L word, Pics, CC+4, #3 and Love really IS a battlefield

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It’s late at night and I’m going to overshare.  It’s not that I don’t recognize that I should create rules for myself – like maybe “If you know you are tired and are aware that you could be admitting/confessing information that may be best to NOT share on a public website – DON’T!!”  because I totally do.  I KNOW I should be careful when I’m tired but at the same time when I’m tired I can’t be bothered to follow rules.  GASP!  Yeah yeah – I know – I’m in love with rules but tiredness makes me EXTRA apathetic.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?? *big smiley face*

It means I’m going to give you a debriefing on CC+4, #3 and that new Jordin Spark’s craptastic song that I downloaded because well – LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD – oh and I’m also going to explain why I am at war.

THAT’S RIGHT!  I’m AT WAR!!! … or at least my heart is …

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD

The song says “Don’t try to explain your mind I know what’s happening here.  One minute it’s love and suddenly it’s like the battlefield.  … I never meant to start a war.”

I’m trying to decide how to make this long story short – ah ha!  OUTLINE!!!

  1. #3 calls and quizzes me on my “sportiness”
  2. I wonder why the BLEEP he’s telling me he wants to get me into the gym
  3. #3 confesses he thinks I’m wonderful
  4. I say, “Yeah except you think I’m fat.”
  5. #3 FREAKS OUT!!  He just wanted to spend quality time with me
  6. I think “oopsie!”
  7. #3 decides we don’t understand each other and wants to get to know the “real me”
  8. #3 tries to upset me
  9. I get upset
  10. #3 drops the L bomb

#3 DROPS THE L BOMB!!!!!!

And then I say, “What?  No I don’t think so.  You can’t drop that on me right now while you’re PURPOSEFULLY TRYING TO MAKE ME UPSET!!”

He blah blah blahs some more and his phone dies.  And I’m left bewildered.

And then I went boating and well – see for yourself.  Me w/CC+4.

max-and-kerilynn-3max-and-kerilynn-2

A picture speaks a thousand words.  And this pic in color – well – it speaks volumes.  Volumes and volumes.  It’s a great picture but I can’t go down this road again.  It hurt too much last time. He crushed me when suddenly stopped logging onto skype, stopped responding to emails – he deserted me.  And yet the feelings were instantly rekindled when I got home … but I don’t work that way.

I CAN’T TURN MY HEART OFF AND ON LIKE THAT!!!  And seeing him again … I can’t … I can’t.  I’m slipping – I have feelings for him.  But …

I can’t.  I really really can’t.  My heart can’t take it.  Not now – not when I’m supposed to leave in a week.  Not when #3 is dropping the L bomb on me.  Not when – well – not now.

My life is in Syndey now right?  I live there.  It’s where I’m supposed to be.

right ?

And I REALLY like #3.

So CC+4 – well … maybe I need to let him go.  Figuratively of course.  I need to tell my heart to let him go.  I need to focus on what’s REAL. And although my feelings for him are most definitely real – CC+4 has not done anything to lead me to believe he has any intentions for long term.  And if I can fully let him go – my heart will have no strings holding it back from #3.

I guess that settles things.  I have feelings for #3.  I have feelings for CC+4.  #3 has feelings for me.  CC+4 – ??  #3 wants a relationship.  CC+4 and I live 8,000 miles apart.  And now I just have to convince myself that spending time with CC+4 will do nothing but make the break in my heart more painful when I leave.  It’s time to let go.

But … if that’s the case – why does my heart feel this way??

Breathe me – Sia

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I don’t have much to say today.  This song is a bit how I feel …

[audio:http://www.therealkylestewart.com/biscuits/jan08/Breathe_Me.mp3|autostart=yes]

An unexpected escape and another evil escalator

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Have you ever ridden a train/subway early on a Saturday morning?  The normal hubbub and noises are gone.  It’s quiet.  You encounter only a few other riders but they are focused and quietly keep to themselves.  No one sees you.  It’s too early in the morning still.  You are invisible for a moment – just for a moment.

This is how I began my morning.  A silent observer to a nearly silent world.  A little dose of surreal in my ever hectic life.  I enjoyed my moment of tranquility – lost to the world.  It was exactly what I needed.  A moment of calm.  A moment to wonder, free from the stress of life.   Who would have thought I’d find it in an underground train station, on a very gray morning?

Waiting

My ipod was playing a chill mix on random.  The perfect music to tune out the world as I waited for the train.

The words, “I wanna be the one that you call when you get down. No matter where you are in the world I’ll be around,” brought me back to the present.  To the train. To the horizon rolling past.  What?  We were about to go back into a tunnel – but … wasn’t I just waiting in the train station?

I was so happy in my thoughts.  So content.  Until those stupid words interrupted me.  [sigh.]  I don’t know how it happened.  How could I be so oblivious to my surroundings and randomly – or seemingly randomly – be brought back with a few lines?   I’m not sure.  But I know that although I may not have heard or noticed anything before that song – I heard and saw everything after.

exit 1

Which was great (on opposite day) because then when I tripped up the escalator THREE times I couldn’t even blame it on daydreaming.

And if you’re wondering how in the world I could have possibly tripped THREE TIMES on ONE ESCALATOR – keep in mind that 1 – I always WALK up the escalators and 2 – a BLOOD-SUCKING escalator once tried to EAT my toe (click here for that story) and ever since they’ve been out to get me.  So this morning it went like this.  Trip – step – Trip – step – TRIP AGAIN – oh lol for real – I really did trip THREE TIMES IN A ROW.  And it must be late at night otherwise I’m sure I wouldn’t be admitting this.

“Fly me away, on an aeroplane.  High in the sky.  Wanna see you again.”  ~Goldfrapp


Lost in beauty

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The garden took my breath away.  Completely frozen, I could do nothing but wonder in awe at the beauty surrounding me.  Quiet.  Peaceful.  Colorful.  Alive.  I slowly turned a circle.  It couldn’t be real but it was.  The flowers smelled sweet.  The birds chirped merrily.  I could see the sun’s rays dancing off the flower petals.  I had stepped into a piece of heaven.  And I never wanted to leave.

peace

Botanical Garden, NZ

I’ve heard it said that in these moments of solitude, when the world ceases to exist and you lose yourself in the beauty of the Earth, we find answers to what we seek.  It has never worked that way for me.  No no, it is my experience that when I lose myself to the beauty of a moment, my problems become lost as well.

peace-2Road in Mexico

Why am I bringing this up today?  Probably because I could use an escape.  I want to be lost in my surroundings again, far from the troubles weighing on my mind, far from the mental battle raging in my head.

My little security bubble, the independent ideal I claim to be striving toward, my foolish defensiveness built on a foundation of pride, it’s all under attack.   Do I really want what I say I want?    The whole, “I don’t need or want anyone else in my life EVER,” the “I will play tons and tons and  never get emotionally involved,” – the whole, “If I always am juggling then my heart will be safe …” is that still me?

It was SO much easier when I was so sure of what I wanted, or thought I wanted.  I was foolish and naive to think I would be immune to the ever-changing world.  Of course what I wanted yesterday would be different tomorrow.  But just for tonight I want to go back.  Back to the world where “alone” was desirable, where the R word was deplorable, where my conscience never guilted me for pushing people away.

Take me back to a yesterday, one far from this place.  Let me lose myself in a picturesque landscape once more.

My hours of loneliness

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Over the past 2 months I have been struggling with the Uni of Sydney over an application to change my Masters degree.  It wasn’t a matter of qualifications – just logistics.  And this logistical struggle forced me to miss enrollment – which – in turn – made me face the possibility that I may have to delay my studies for a semester and possibly be deported.  You can imagine all of the thoughts going through my head!!! Is this fate?  Is it time to go home?  Do I want to stay in Sydney?  Am I ready for this chapter of my life to be over? Going back home really wouldn’t be THAT bad – I have a life there – my dogs are there – my family is there – my heart is still there.  And so I prepared for the “worst” – going back home.

I received the official word on my app today.   I may commence a Masters in Digital Communication and Culture on Monday (yep – in one week.)  But instead of feeling relieved and thrilled at the prospect, I feel lost and confused. Is this really what I want?  Is a Masters in Digital Comm going to get me anywhere?  Do I want to live down here for another year?  I miss my puppies. :( Remember the tears from the other day when I was homesick?  Wow do I hate tears.  I’m tough!  I’m strong!  I don’t cry.  Except for those times when it’s 11:45 pm on a Monday night and I feel lost, confused, homesick and there is no one for me to talk to – and then – and only then – a few silent tears escape.

This is the only time of the day when both of my worlds are off limits.  No one is awake yet in SLC and everyone has just gone to bed in Sydney.

Life became terribly complicated very quickly …  I don’t know what to do.  And I’m afraid that Digital Comm is going to end up being like Peace and Conflict – a complete waste of time that gets me no closer to my ultimate career goals.  Speaking of which – I don’t even know what those are.  I just want a job that is creative, challenging, involves design and/or writing, people skills and bonus if it’s for a non-profit org.  Do I really need a Masters for that?

I don’t know.  But I DO know a hug or maybe some puppy time would be really nice right now.