Epinephrine – a hormone triggered during the Fight-or-Flight-Response to a threat.  Adrenaline – another name for Epinephrine.

Elevated heart rate, clear mind, every muscle is ready.  It only takes a few words.

Words.

Part of the beauty of psychology is its revealing nature.  Eventually, the cracks in one’s bullet proof vest are discovered.  Hidden secrets, suppressed trauma can only stay protected for so long – and once a bullet makes it past our shields and armor, its full-on psychological warfare.

A few words and your mind and/or body experience danger.  It’s a trigger.  Your trigger.  You control it as best you can.  You wear your armor. Your walls are thick but sometimes you are caught off guard.  And then you realize you can’t escape your past.

Once a victim, always in fear.

“OOH!” I exclaimed to my flatmate Sam.  ”Look he killed himself.”
Sam looked at me quizzically.  ”Daisy he’s just floating – trapped in a box.”
“Oh.”

When we ran into a bunch of nooses (Sculpture by the Sea 2009 is finally here!) Sam only saw rope.
Hmmm …. They sure were KNOTTED like nooses!!!

And THEN we ran into this guy.  And I was really digging him.
He’s cute – unexpected – unobtrusive.
Even though he is ABOUT TO KILL HIMSELF!!!
Umm hello??  Those are some dangerous rocks to almost be jumping off!!
Though strangely Sam only saw a man gazing at the vast ocean

I wasn’t a big fan of this one.  Never have been into dead zombies charging from hell to kill people.
Would you ever guess that Sam kind of liked it??  He saw a pretty pony!

And last but not least – DEMONS (and no I did NOT adjust the color of this picture!!)

Yeah – DEMONS.  And they were perched next to a tree filled with massive blair witch project wanna bee creepy tree things.
Sam says they were just beehives – next to garden sprites.

And you what I say to that??

WHATEVER!!

Except I can’t help but thinking … maybe I need some sleep.

Ugh.

Anyway – back to the one sided convo – I’m good at these….

North Sydney got a similar email.  And no – I’m not bitter AT ALL!  nope nope nope – I’m in a FABULOUS mood.  hmphf!!

photo by John Fraissinet’s under a CC license

Walking on SYDNEY SIDEWALKS in FLIP FLOPS!!!!

photo by Joseph Robertson under a CC license

No joke.  I’m not kidding you.  AT ALL.  Walking down a sidewalk in Sydney’s CBD when it’s raining and you’re wearing normal flippy floppies (or thongs for all you Aussies) is MORE SLIPPERY than walking along an icy sidewalk in heels.  And believe me – I have experience with both.

Normal sidewalks?  No problem.  The rain can’t get ME down.  But a sidewalk in the city? or in the central business district? or just anywhere non-residential?  WATCH OUT FOR YOUR LIFE!!!  If you don’t have kick-A traction on the soles of your shoes – you are going DOWN – flat on your rear.  Or if you have the powers of grace (like me hee hee) you’ll just slide around and look like you’re ice-skating for the first time.

photo by ??Tex Texin?? under a CC license.

I guess the good news is I get to feel like I’m dancing in the rain – a nice slippery smooth dance.   and really … if it weren’t for my flailing arms trying to keep balance – I’d probably be mistaken for a fairytale ballerina.

photo by ME :)

Song by Tegan and Sara “Back in your head” (Tiesto remix)

I turned in my essay finally – 2.5 weeks late.  That’s a whole heck of a lot.  But it’s done.  And it was done fairly well.  It feels good.

This week I have two short animations to turn in as well as the launch and design of a new website.  It’s exciting to have classes that produce more than just theoretical considerations.  :)  And I’m really excited about the new site!!!

FUNNY STORY OF THE DAY

North Sydney called me tonight.  I haven’t spoken with him for a week.  He started to tell me something and I interrupted and said, “I think I’m going to go to bed.”  He was like, “What?”  And then I was like, “Yeah – what time is it?”  He answered, “7:00″ and I was like – “Oh nice – yeah I’m going to bed.”  And then I did.  2 hours later when I woke up I realized what happened and sent an apology text – but seriously – LOL!!!  I must have been SOOOOOoooooooo out of it.  He replied to my text, “It’s ok hun, you sounded pretty sleepy.”  LOL!

Aaaannnnnddddd now I’m going to go to bed again.  Obviously I need it!!!

Noise cancellation headphones.  Lots of bass.  Volume – a lot of volume – the kind that almost makes your ears ring – not the kind girls try to get in their hair. It’s quiet time.  Quiet time with deafening emotional noise.

Admittedly I am going to sleep on the wrong side of the bed tonight.  It’s just one of those days.

“In the brightest hour of my darkest day I realized what is wrong with me …  days come and go but my feelings last forever” ~papa roach

Hmm – I should probably put a little sugar in this post.  Let’s see … my brother taught me how to do tilt-shift effects on photography – I’ll come up with better examples when I’m not crabby/grumpy/tired/ornery (you get the picture) – but this will do for now.

Oh and while I’m throwing stuff out there – North Sydney is  NOW on a space freak kick (so much for things staying the same – oh wait – that’s right – they DID stay the same – he ALWAYS freaks out)…

AAANNNDDD I believe I completely alienated CC+4 – which is actually kind of a funny story about the reality of mis-communication in emails but – not a story for today … and anyway – I feel kind of guilty – because I could PROBABLY correct the situation (and by probably I mean I totally could) but I don’t want to – and then I feel guilty because I don’t want to – like I’m a bad person for not wanting to repair things – but then my adviser says I need to learn to stop being so hard on myself and I think – WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE REASONS FOR EVERYTHING I DO AND FEEL??  Can’t I just FEEL a certain way??  Maybe I don’t FEEL like repairing things.

Matty  Matt would say that’s perfectly fine – but my stupid conscience!!!!!  It nags and nags and nags – the thing is – I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!

But I FEEL like I could have handled the situation better because I recognize there has been a misunderstanding and I FEEL like it’s my responsibility to fix things – but then I think …

WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX EVERYTHING?

And then I think “Because I’m the bigger person – or because I’m strong – or because I CAN and if I CAN then I SHOULD…” but then that OTHER side of my conscience kicks in and says – DAISY!!!!!!!  STOP!!!!!!  Stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to be perfectly unselfish and perfectly devoted to always putting yourself LAST.

WHY?? Because in some twisted form of rational logic putting myself last actually does more harm than good – and in that sense I should feel guilty for doing HARM – so it’s A NO WIN SITUATION.  When I put myself and my feelings first – I feel guilty for being “selfish” and when I put myself last I feel guilty and resentful.  Guilty because I know that ultimately putting myself last means I’m lowering my worth and making myself less worthwhile to society as a whole – and resentful because for 27 years I’ve tried to be everything that I SHOULD be – and being everything one SHOULD be is quite impossible.  And I’m tired.

That’s right.  I’m tired.  Very very tired of it all.

First I had an assignment due – a big one.  That was due 2 weeks ago.  I still haven’t handed it in.  Things haven’t been going as smoothly as hoped.

Day 20, 21 & 22- when I was still optimistic about my essay

Day 23 and 24 – Remember how I decided no more kissing North Sydney because HE IS A COMMITMENTPHOBE who FREAKS OUT every time HE kisses me!?!?  Yeah – that didn’t last long.  And then I went to my international adviser and she told me that she struggling to try and work with me because I’m smarter than her and my life is very complicated.  Gee – that’s encouraging. (insert glare.)

Day 25 and 26 -  I think it was about THIS point in my life when I discovered North Sydney didn’t remember ANYTHING about our meeting, his “stalk you later” phone calls and our very brief romance a year ago.  I very bluntly called this to his attention. :)  He tried to kiss and make up – I rolled my eyes and laughed.  Then I tried to do my essay and fell asleep over and over again.  Oh and I discovered I can tell the difference between fresh and not-as-fresh M&Ms. oh yes.

Day 27 – I went and met with the adviser again and this time she was more encouraging.  We determined that I’m having issues with essay writing because of my first semester as a graduate student when I had a super nasty teacher who used her dislike of my nationality to influence the marks she gave me.  As a straight 95% and above student my whole life – I lost all confidence in my ability to be a student after I received her grades and this lack of confidence is a detriment to my current studies.  :(  We agreed that discrimination and racism are out of my control and I need to try and move forward.  I decided to study in the park under the bright and beautiful sun.

Day 28 -  I actually went to class – instead of staying home sick like I did the rest of the week.  Class was REALLY good – I’m in the process of animating a girl on a swing set.  It’s a lot of fun and I can do it for hours and hours without getting bored.  A BIG relief from essay writing.

Day 29 and 30 – I’ve had insomnia like no other the past couple of weeks.  “Bones” the television series has become my nightly insomnia treatment.  It also makes for great dreams.  I’ve never been a better crime fighter/super hero/pretend anthropologist in my life. :) lol.

Day 31 – One month down – 12 more to go.

It means “I love you” in sign language.  I might have accidentally kind of said something that would indicate the possibility that I COULD be in love with North Sydney.  I didn’t mean to!!  It slipped out!!!

He said- “You need to have kids.  You will be a great mom.”  (a nice compliment bcuz he has a child.)

I said – “Yeah but finding the right guy is going to be next to impossible.  I think I’ll just settle with my dogs – they’re like my kids.”

He laughed and said, “You’re getting close.  If you mix CC+4 with -3 you’d almost get the perfect man for you.”

I said, “Yeah but I’m never going to meet someone who is perfect and there isn’t going to be a guy out there who is a cross between all the good of CC+4 and all the good of -3.”

He said, “You never know…”

I said, “What I really need is just to find the American version of you – then I’d be set.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID THAT!!!

I told my flatmate that I couldn’t believe I let that one slip out!!!  North Sydney gets scared off every time he kisses me – and then I tell him he’s like the perfect guy for me??  My flatmate said, “Yeah but do you feel that way?”  I said – “Yes.”  And my flatmate said, “Well then you told the truth.  You shouldn’t be worried about it.”

He’s right.  I told the truth.  And fortunately for me – North Sydney DIDN’T freak out – he just took it as a compliment – and things are the same as always.  :)

Day 17 – A not so great day

Day 18 – today I had my ipod on the most downer playlist I have … I had a great day.  I made a new friend, got some work done – it’s just that my spirits are still a little bit low (see pic yesterday.)  I liked this street art – his look matched my emotions.  (and the over-saturation on just my hair??? HAHA!  Well – I have always said I want to be a super-villain – this was step one.  ;)

Why is THIS all worth it?  Why??

(You can substitute the word THIS for many, many things – having your heart broken, deciding to get a much-needed divorce, working through your problems with a friend, recovering from an eating disorder, recovering from depression, dealing with hardships of school, life and life’s hardships in general, being nice to people who are mean, working at a crap job, etc – I think most people have a THIS – and what I’m about to say should apply to most of it.)

So seriously – Why is THIS all worth it?  Why are these challenges and heartaches worth it?? Why bother??

The blog I read was searching for meaning in the hardship – a meaning for the end result – a meaning for the acceptance/recovery/healing/hardwork.  And that’s when I found myself answering a question I’ve so often asked myself – why is it worth it?  Why continue?  Why push on?  Why NOT give up??  Well … because:

It IS worth it – but you have to change the goal.

Here’s an elaborated version of the comment I left:

When I start thinking about it all being ‘worth it’ then – if I’m not careful – I quickly revert back to old habits or want to give up. I KNOW what I’m getting myself into with old habits – but who knows what the future holds?  The future could be WORSE. – or it could be just as bad – but with a lot of extra heartache.

It is then – when I’m lucky and am able to step back a bit from my troubles – that I look at that question a little more closely.

Who knows what the future holds??

No one. And isn’t that a grand thing?

The future is ours for the shaping.

Maybe the goal shouldn’t be the end result or finish line.  Maybe we should stop looking at “when I finally recover” or “when I finally leave him” or “eventually I’ll be over my eating disorder.” Sure it’s good to have hope for a brighter tomorrow – but life is about so much more than this.

Life is the experiences along the way – the detours, the speed bumps and sometimes?

Sometimes life is even about the stop signs.

Look – I’m not saying life is great.  Life kinda sucks!!  And I DEFINITELY haven’t wanted many of the experiences I’ve had – image issues, divorce, the death of loved ones… and has any of that been “worth it”??  H.E.DOUBLE NO.  or for those of you who don’t speak fake swear words – that’s a big HELL NO.

But that’s when my conscience kicks in with an old saying:

“Life isn’t about learning to weather the storms – it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

We can’t control all of the storms that come our way – but we can control our attitude and our courage. If the point of it all is not recovery in itself but instead the challenge of accepting these trials while smiling through them – even when you want to give up – well that right there is something.
I totally understand the whole – “Yeah but WHY would I choose to go through this when I don’t HAVE to?”
WWWWEEELLLLL – life is about progressing – stagnancy gets you no where. :) You won’t learn a whole lot if you wallow in your misery or give up.  But if you move forward:
you challenge yourself,
you learn,
you grow,

you LIVE.

WHY BOTHER??
Because it’s a challenge, an opportunity for learning and growth and a way to experience life and ALL of life’s emotional intensity. It’s not about the destination – no no – it’s about the journey. And if you make the JOURNEY the meaning – then regardless of the outcome – it WILL be worth it.

Pics of the day – 9, 10 and 11

Hello!  It’s your conscience here – but you PROLLY already knew that.  It’s just … well … I hate to interrupt your normal bloginess but … well … we need to talk.  You know your little horoscope project?  The one that you were like, “OMGOSH THIS IS SO SUPER EXCITING – I’m going to do it for A WHOLE MONTH.”  Yeah – that project.

I’m just a conscience so I won’t tell you this was a great idea in theory but a crap idea at the beginning of a semester – no no – I’ll just stick to what is RIGHT and what is WRONG.  Ok ok – actually I’m just going to stick with what is WRONG.

Umm Hello??  Who woke up on the crabby side of the bed today??  And then blared “hot dog” by Limp Bizkit on repeat because it’s a REALLY angry song??  I know – you listened to Linkin Park, NIN and Papa Roach too … but you get what I’m saying.

Today’s task was ” … is not about escaping from your daily routine; it’s about developing a more spiritual approach to what you must do.”

Now tell me Daisy – do you think Limp Bizkit and hearing the F word screamed like 40 kajillionbillion times helped you develop a more spiritual approach??

Moving on … I was proud of you for answering the phone when No. Sydney called – but you could have handled the fact THAT HE ONLY CALLED YOU BECAUSE HE NEEDED TECHNICAL WEB HELP better.  Did you REALLY need to switch to depressing music and listen to THAT on repeat too??

I think you went into today’s horoscope with a negative attitude (for proof please see your post yesterday) AAANNNDDD I think you shouldn’t do that again.  You’re never going to achieve the random wisdom/growth you were hoping a project like this could provide give you if you HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE!!!

SHAPE UP!!

Sincerely yours,

~Your Conscience

HOLY CRAP is my conscience mean or what?? So to help me snap out of my funk – I went to class and really tried to EXPERIENCE class.  My teacher is crazy – I took lots of notes – and I even played a game of Hangman – why?  Because life is about living, loving and laughing :) And living means being PRESENT – so I was present in class – and felt the feelings of the first day of school, noticed my friends in class, remembered what it felt like to be in high school.  And when I took a bathroom break and had to walk down a long corridor which was TWENTY DEGREES COLDER than my classroom – then walk down a weird dingy and poorly lit staircase to get to the bathroom … and when inside of the bathroom it was dark, old and there were small child sized watering cans in every stall … and the water to wash up was placed at a level below my knees … I experienced it.  I imagined the ghosts haunting the halls – I shivered – I lived.

Today did have a rough start.  And to be honest – it’s had a rough ending as well.  But I FELT my day today.  And as much as my conscience would like to say I did a half-assed job – at the end of the day I think experiencing life at a heightened sense of perception/observation/feeling surprisingly satisfies my horoscope.

Today – I LIVED

for better and for worse.

Day 5/365