Category Archives: 06 – Self-Discovery

My heart’s a stereo – and I’m going to start sharing “deep stuff” ;)

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It is trite and dramatic to mention my entire world has changed over the past 8 months; of course it has!  Hasn’t everyone’s?  How can you LIVE and love and not change or grow? But yet I find myself wanting to say it!

I have changed.  I am changed.

I am also Queen of the Obvious!

But there!  I said it – I got it out of the way.  We can move forward.  :)  haha – ok I’m not like COMPLETELY changed.  My sense of humor is still about the same.  :)  which let’s be real – that is a HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!!!!!

YAY!!!!!

You see, I LOVE to laugh and I think I’m funny.  So the fact that I STILL think I’m funny?!?!!  Wahoo!!   :)  :)

Anyway I’m only mentioning this because I’ve done moderately well at being “adjusted” despite my – umm – well – my life.  I’ve tried to maintain a happy perspective, I’ve worked at being optimistic and I’ve NEVER taken the “why me?” attitude; though I have most certainly wondered about the purpose of life.  But I’ve adjusted; I’ve adapted.   I’m still here and most days I’m still laughing.  :)

Up until recently I didn’t want to really admit… (continue reading on my new blog here.)

Or if you just want to stick with the light stuff …

Let me share with you my new favorite-est-est-est song!!!  I’ve mentioned that my BF and I have a soundtrack of US.  (you should read it the story – it’s cute) And this song makes it on the list.  The lyrics ring true in my heart.  I love J, and I WOULD carry him around even if he were an old school 50lb boombox, and I’d hold him on my shoulder wherever I walked, and turn his volume up  in front of the cops, and crank it higher every time they told me to stop. hee hee ;)  Yes – My heart’s a stereo.

October is a gift – share it with me :)

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Have you ever thought about how October is a month of change?  Whether it’s spring in the Southern Hemisphere or Autumn up North – October signals transition.  Unstoppable transformation.  Vicissitude.

I love the fleeting gifts October gives us.  Rain, changing colors (either leaves or flowers), a bit of cold, a bit of warmth.  Cozy with the promise of something new to come.

(October in Utah – Pic by my brother)

This October I’m giving myself the gift of dedicated, diligent determination.  :) Yep – the big triple D threat.  Dedicated, diligent determination.  I have a few things to cross off my 101 list, many that require perseverance and 30 days worth of continuous goal keeping!!!  So I’m knocking them all off in one go.  And yeah – we ALL know my long-term attention span caps off at a few days so THIRTY DAYS IN ROW??  It’s going to be ASTOUNDING AWESOME AMAZING!  ;)

(October in Sydney – pic by me)

Is there anything you’ve been procrastinating?  Any goals that you’ve tried, tried, and tried again but haven’t finished?  Join me!  :)  Let’s make October a gift to ourselves.  Every day an opportunity to try again and succeed!

What have I been doing everyday for the past 7 days (and will be doing for the next 24)?

  • Practicing the piano
  • Exercising
  • Meditation/journaling
  • Mental Acuity
  • Stretching
  • Taking pictures
  • Reading

What gifts am I giving myself?  Physical fitness, emotional stability, creative opportunity and heightened intelligence.

I am the only person in the world who can give these things to myself.  Others can influence.  Others can encourage and inspire.  Others can even teach me, but it’s my choice to learn, my choice to take care of myself, my choice to progress.  :)

I choose which paths I walk down and which ones are worth hiking.

I hope you make the choice to join in :) and we can all make October one for the books!

xoxo~Daisy



It’s time to jump in – heart first.

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October 02, 2010

I’ve been timidly waiting on the side lines of my dreams.

Waiting for them to come to me.

No more.
It’s time to jump in – heart first.

________________________________________________________

August 02, 2010

No more opportune time could have presented itself.  The words found me.  Writing on a simple piece of paper.  The rhythm trapped me.  The words called to me.  I began to read and soon lost myself.

But who could have written this?  Whose writing flowed so smoothly?  Whose writing swept me away?

It was MY handwriting.  But surely those were not MY words.  So strong, so confident, so full of distinctive grace.

It couldn’t be possible.  Not when only days ago I had finally found the courage to admit my talent, if ever I held any, was lost forever.

I had subjugated my dreams to mediocrity, the admission leaving me numb.  I gave into weakness.  I was ready and willing to believe the worst.

It was time to stop trying.  Time to face the truth and put down my pen.

But now, through the power of words, through the power of MY words, I have reignited hope.

It is not time to give up.

I need only begin again.

_______________________________________________________

As you can see, the middle note was written a few months ago – hand-written in a journal.  I found it a couple days ago and thought I would share it.  I keep meeting amazing people with profound insight, I run across quotes, writings, books with the same message; no matter where I turn I keep running into my old dreams.  For one reason or another the universe seems to be telling me, “DON’T GIVE UP!! IT’S NEVER TOO LATE!”  And you know what?  I think it’s the truth.




Steps to finding yourself

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Journal Day 4

I remember, at the age of 25, when I went to see a psychiatrist.

“What can I help you with Daisy?”

“I don’t know who I am, what I want from life, or what I like.”

He looked at me with surprise.  He and I had met before.  But he had met the persona.  The image I had carefully crafted.  He had always believed I was very self-assured, confident and independent.  How could I not know myself?  And why was I coming into see him when I didn’t have any disorders and didn’t need medication??  LOL!!  It took a little discussion for him to understand what I wanted from therapy and then we began.  I saw him for about a year and then moved to Australia where I picked up with a psychiatrist there.

TWO YEARS of therapy!!! and I still don’t know exactly who I am.  It’s discouraging (i.e. yesterday’s post) but it’s not ALL doom and gloom.  Because, although I may be far from the knowledge I seek – I am so so so so so so so so so so much closer than before.

Introspection Suggestions

I think a lot of bloggers have a very strong voice and identity.  And since most of my readers are bloggers – these suggestions may be of no use to you.  But for the random reader out there who may feel the way I did or still do … I hope this list of suggestions helps you learn a bit about yourself.

  • Write a list of everything that you DO know about yourself.   Look for patterns.
  • Write your likes and dislikes. Look for similarities.
  • Write your goals and dreams.
  • Write what makes you truly smile or be happy – recognize what makes you sick or angry.
  • Write what your goals and dreams were as a child – compare them to your other lists.
  • Write down the top few things you want to know about yourself – and think of ways to help you figure them out.
  • Make a 101 list to help you explore different sides of yourself. (this is really truly a must, must!!)
  • Do a self-portrait picture a day project. (this one surprisingly helped a lot!)
  • Try something new every couple of weeks – and try something you told yourself you would never try – see if you like it.
  • If you can afford to – spend extended time in a new country.
  • Try new foods.  Even ones that SOUND gross.
  • Record all of your feelings and reactions to your new experiences.
  • Ask new friends for lists of their favorite things/movies/books – try/watch/read them.
  • Maybe start blogging

I’m still in the process of learning about myself but I’m happy to report I’m making progress.  :)  My 101 list has been a great help, as was living in Australia, traveling, and learning to accept that I’m an introvert.  (more on that later.)

I’ve finally given up the facade I’ve held onto for so long.  It’s SCARY!!!  I feel lost!!! But I’ll never truly find my voice if I don’t give up the manufactured one.  And hopefully sometime soon I’ll find new and stronger wings with which to fly.

My self measure spells FAILURE

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“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote comforts and depresses me.  The comfort comes in knowing that there are others who feel the way I do – that they can’t and won’t conform.  But it depresses me because it screams at me, “YOU ARE A FAILURE!”  A complete and pathetic failure with no backbone and no sense of identity.

For a little background – let me explain.  And btw – this is not a blamegamefest – I’m merely explaining how my sense of identity got lost along the way.  And yes – I’m FULLY aware if I weren’t such a failure none of these circumstances would have beat me down.  If I were “accomplished” according to this quote – I wouldn’t be writing this post.

My entire life I’ve been punished for having independent thought.  I wasn’t allowed to have opinions about what I liked or didn’t like. I was even grounded for hating and not wanting to eat pancakes (funny that … I found out at the age of 26 I was ALLERGIC to the wheat in pancakes) and I was disciplined for being shy.  My dad got mad at me for the way I dressed, the way I talked, the way I did my hair.  If my ideas weren’t in line with the lovely little church views they held then I was BAD! – and I had to be corrected.

Later, teachers in school reprimanded me for answering questions in my own way.  My way was faster, more accurate – but it left me with more free time to be bored.  I was often kicked out of class despite having a straight A grade point average.  Finally they had me skip a grade because I was too far ahead of the other students and the teacher felt I was a distraction (meaning I wasn’t normal – I was BAD – an inconvenience) and then my new older classmates in the new grade bullied me for the same reasons.

After school, I fell into relationships with men who saw this weakness and preyed upon it.  And by the time I was 25 I didn’t know what I liked.  I couldn’t tell you my favorite color, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, I had no idea where I wanted to end up, where I wanted to live – etc.  The most frequent words out of my mouth?  ”I’m sorry”  I apologized for everything – I would even apologize when someone asked me to pass the salt.  WHY??  Because if I were a “NORMAL” person I would have proactively passed the salt and no one would have had to have asked me.

I felt I could do nothing right.  Even the intelligence I had was all wrong – sure it was right in the sense that it was accurate but it was all book smarts – and let’s be honest – book smarts don’t do a lot of good in a world of socializing.

I was a highly intelligent girl who had completely lost her individuality.  I’d completely lost my soul.

So back to the quote - Yes it is an amazing accomplishment to know your mind and to follow it.  But I can’t help but wonder … if you were never given the chance to find yourself.  How do you start at such a late age?

I’ve been thinking a lot about self worth lately.  Self measure – HA!  According to societal standards I’ve done rather well – up until right now that is – Sure I’m well educated, I’ve traveled across the world, I have earned many awards and received plenty of recognition for the gifts of my mind.  I’m in good shape, look fairly decent – etc etc … but where am I today?  Living at home, in a job that doesn’t pay me enough, still uncertain about who I am.

According to MY self measurements I have FAILED.

I measure success by the ability to be who you.  To be the best YOU that you can be and to make it work for you.  But according to THIS measure – I will always be a failure for I have no idea who I am – and am afraid at this point in life – I never will.