I had a whole lot of words written for today’s post.  And then I deleted them.  I have more pressing things on my mind than my meeting up with MIUB after 8 weeks of being home.

8 weeks.

It took 8 weeks.

I’ve been faced with a whole lot of feelings today.  I hate feelings.  I didn’t hate feelings when I was always suppressing them.  But suppressing feelings isn’t healthy and I’ve vowed to correct this flaw. So now I’m sitting here eating a whole lot of carrots wondering about my feelings.

I feel hurt by LOSER even though I knew he was a loser and he failed the kiss test. Then Dance Dance failed the movie test which is totally a deal breaker.  He also failed the kiss test.  And that’s a bigger deal breaker.  My date tomorrow has already failed because he reminds me too much of MIUB.   And MIUB is as self-absorbed as ever and yet I find it strangely appealing.  (oh and btw – he aced the kiss test with flying colors.  ERR!)

And then all of the sudden I’ve realized I have strong likes and dislikes.  I’ve lived such a people pleasing life that it’s hard for me to be assertive about my likes, dislikes and needs.  But now that I recognize them I have to act on them.  And that’s a lot harder than I thought. And Dr. Sarcastic from Sydney changed my life because he made me acknowledge and admit out loud some of my fears – fears that are irrational.  And that means I have to do something about them.  And that’s hard too.

And the biggest feeling of all?  The one I’ve been suppressing for 2 years?  I don’t know what happens to people after they die.  And I’ve never really accepted or recovered from my brother’s untimely death at the age of 29 just two years ago.

Oh and I don’t have a 5 year plan.  I don’t even really have a 1 year plan either.  My only plan is to go back to Sydney (maybe) and finish a Masters in some form of English (hopefully.)  After that I have nothing.  And I think this is a really bad thing.