Day 16 – A pretty good day!!
Day 17 – A not so great day
Day 18 – today I had my ipod on the most downer playlist I have … I had a great day. I made a new friend, got some work done – it’s just that my spirits are still a little bit low (see pic yesterday.) I liked this street art – his look matched my emotions. (and the over-saturation on just my hair??? HAHA! Well – I have always said I want to be a super-villain – this was step one. ;)
Yesterday I read a blog which expressed feelings I know all too well.
Why is THIS all worth it? Why??
(You can substitute the word THIS for many, many things – having your heart broken, deciding to get a much-needed divorce, working through your problems with a friend, recovering from an eating disorder, recovering from depression, dealing with hardships of school, life and life’s hardships in general, being nice to people who are mean, working at a crap job, etc – I think most people have a THIS – and what I’m about to say should apply to most of it.)
So seriously – Why is THIS all worth it? Why are these challenges and heartaches worth it?? Why bother??
The blog I read was searching for meaning in the hardship – a meaning for the end result – a meaning for the acceptance/recovery/healing/hardwork. And that’s when I found myself answering a question I’ve so often asked myself – why is it worth it? Why continue? Why push on? Why NOT give up?? Well … because:
Here’s an elaborated version of the comment I left:
When I start thinking about it all being ‘worth it’ then – if I’m not careful – I quickly revert back to old habits or want to give up. I KNOW what I’m getting myself into with old habits – but who knows what the future holds? The future could be WORSE. – or it could be just as bad – but with a lot of extra heartache.
It is then – when I’m lucky and am able to step back a bit from my troubles – that I look at that question a little more closely.
No one. And isn’t that a grand thing?
Maybe the goal shouldn’t be the end result or finish line. Maybe we should stop looking at “when I finally recover” or “when I finally leave him” or “eventually I’ll be over my eating disorder.” Sure it’s good to have hope for a brighter tomorrow – but life is about so much more than this.
Life is the experiences along the way – the detours, the speed bumps and sometimes?
Sometimes life is even about the stop signs.
Look – I’m not saying life is great. Life kinda sucks!! And I DEFINITELY haven’t wanted many of the experiences I’ve had – image issues, divorce, the death of loved ones… and has any of that been “worth it”?? H.E.DOUBLE NO. or for those of you who don’t speak fake swear words – that’s a big HELL NO.
But that’s when my conscience kicks in with an old saying:
We can’t control all of the storms that come our way – but we can control our attitude and our courage. If the point of it all is not recovery in itself but instead the challenge of accepting these trials while smiling through them – even when you want to give up – well that right there is something.
I totally understand the whole – “Yeah but WHY would I choose to go through this when I don’t HAVE to?”
WWWWEEELLLLL – life is about progressing – stagnancy gets you no where. :) You won’t learn a whole lot if you wallow in your misery or give up. But if you move forward:
you challenge yourself,
you learn,
you grow,
WHY BOTHER??
Because it’s a challenge, an opportunity for learning and growth and a way to experience life and ALL of life’s emotional intensity. It’s not about the destination – no no – it’s about the journey. And if you make the JOURNEY the meaning – then regardless of the outcome – it WILL be worth it.
Pics of the day – 9, 10 and 11
It’s late at night and I’m going to overshare. It’s not that I don’t recognize that I should create rules for myself – like maybe “If you know you are tired and are aware that you could be admitting/confessing information that may be best to NOT share on a public website – DON’T!!” because I totally do. I KNOW I should be careful when I’m tired but at the same time when I’m tired I can’t be bothered to follow rules. GASP! Yeah yeah – I know – I’m in love with rules but tiredness makes me EXTRA apathetic.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?? *big smiley face*
It means I’m going to give you a debriefing on CC+4, #3 and that new Jordin Spark’s craptastic song that I downloaded because well – LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD – oh and I’m also going to explain why I am at war.
THAT’S RIGHT! I’m AT WAR!!! … or at least my heart is …
The song says “Don’t try to explain your mind I know what’s happening here. One minute it’s love and suddenly it’s like the battlefield. … I never meant to start a war.”
I’m trying to decide how to make this long story short – ah ha! OUTLINE!!!
And then I say, “What? No I don’t think so. You can’t drop that on me right now while you’re PURPOSEFULLY TRYING TO MAKE ME UPSET!!”
He blah blah blahs some more and his phone dies. And I’m left bewildered.
And then I went boating and well – see for yourself. Me w/CC+4.
A picture speaks a thousand words. And this pic in color – well – it speaks volumes. Volumes and volumes. It’s a great picture but I can’t go down this road again. It hurt too much last time. He crushed me when suddenly stopped logging onto skype, stopped responding to emails – he deserted me. And yet the feelings were instantly rekindled when I got home … but I don’t work that way.
I CAN’T TURN MY HEART OFF AND ON LIKE THAT!!! And seeing him again … I can’t … I can’t. I’m slipping – I have feelings for him. But …
I can’t. I really really can’t. My heart can’t take it. Not now – not when I’m supposed to leave in a week. Not when #3 is dropping the L bomb on me. Not when – well – not now.
My life is in Syndey now right? I live there. It’s where I’m supposed to be.
right ?
And I REALLY like #3.
So CC+4 – well … maybe I need to let him go. Figuratively of course. I need to tell my heart to let him go. I need to focus on what’s REAL. And although my feelings for him are most definitely real – CC+4 has not done anything to lead me to believe he has any intentions for long term. And if I can fully let him go – my heart will have no strings holding it back from #3.
I guess that settles things. I have feelings for #3. I have feelings for CC+4. #3 has feelings for me. CC+4 – ?? #3 wants a relationship. CC+4 and I live 8,000 miles apart. And now I just have to convince myself that spending time with CC+4 will do nothing but make the break in my heart more painful when I leave. It’s time to let go.
But … if that’s the case – why does my heart feel this way??
If you have been following this blog and have been reading between the lines it will come as no surprise to you that I suck at life right now. 
Yes I put a smiley face there. Why? Because there’s no point frowning about it is there? Plus it’s a bit amusing to think about the fact that someone could “suck at life” – I realize the inherent EVERYTHING in that statement mmm kay? But I chose to use the statement anyway. Because I do suck at life right now – but my presentation is still up to par.
It occurred to me that the only people who would know I suck at life right now are people who caught the few confessional blogs recently or the few friends I’ve let in on it. Other than that and well – my international student adviser and my teachers at school (who OMGOSH- AGH!!!) – no one would have any clue.
Someone questioned my authenticity because I appear to have everything under control when I FEEL as if nothing is under control. This really bothered me. Does it make me less authentic because I choose not to tell everyone I meet that my sky is falling? Does it make me less authentic if I maintain a certain level of vanity when my inner life is scattered and chaotic? Why do I have to LOOK like a disaster just because my life is one? And why the H.E.DOUBLE do I need to act like a disaster if I have personal troubles? I don’t!!!
Life is what you make it. I can control SOME things. Other things are outside of my control. The things I CAN control – I do. Why does that make me not authentic?
Ok so I maintain appearances. I participate in the normal life activities. I still LAUGH and SMILE and crack jokes and go to parties even though I’ve cried more in this past few months than I have in the past year. THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME FAKE! It just means I’m a fighter and I’m fighting to be happy.
I believe our thoughts follow our actions. And even when my thoughts are less than happy I still try and live a normal, happy, active life. Why is that such a crime?
What do you think? To be authentic do you need to ACT depressed when you FEEL depressed? Is it ok to look good when you’re not feeling well? Does it make you fake to seem happy, in control, and on top of the world when you don’t always feel that way?
I think the next person who questions my authenticity because they ASSUMED my life is perfect and they ASSUMED I’ve had a trial-free past just because I choose to be happy and I LOOK happy – I’m going to tell them to shove it. Just because THEY can’t maintain appearances when their life is going to pieces doesn’t mean that I have to follow suit. 
It’s now the afternoon of a fantastically beautiful day. I’ve showered, am about to get ready for what should be a rowdy night on the town. Yeah – hopefully it will be fun. I had an offer to stay in tonight but there’s something soothing about losing yourself in a crowd. As you slowly work yourself into the center of attention you are no longer the lost little girl whose younger brother disappeared from her life, you are no longer the lost little girl with no older brothers to turn to, you are no longer the lost little girl who feels more and more lonely every day despite your ever growing social circle. And more than all of this? You are no longer the ridiculous little girl who is obsessed with her weight.
The International Student Adviser suggested I go home for the winter break. [insert look of death] I told her I didn’t think I wanted to. I haven’t booked my ticket home. I haven’t put my room up for hire and I haven’t even looked at a calendar to see how many weeks until I COULD go home. I don’t care. Yes that’s right. Daisy – the girl who had a 16 week countdown last semester and couldn’t WAIT to get home now doesn’t care.
The counselor argued “Yeah but what about your family?” Well I talk to my mom or dad every day or every other day but if I go home I have to face the fact that recently my brothers chose to exclude me from their lives – going home HURTS. She counters, “Right but you have such a solid support group there.” Well yeah sure I have friends there but I keep in touch with some of them here. And as far as going to parties – I can do that here or there. She tries again, “But the weather here will be terrible. It will rain almost every day. It’s only for a month or two. Go home and recharge.” haha! Nice try. I don’t mind the rain. In fact, the rain quite suits me as of late.
DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN IT! And that’s when I realize I’ve completely lost myself. What is going on? What is my problem? What happened to me? I should be COUNTING DOWN the very days until I can see them again.
Suddenly I could HEAR everything she was trying to tell me. Yes, yes. There IS something wrong. Yes – there is a problem. It’s been going on for a year now. And yes, when my brothers walked out of my life it got significantly worse. So YES I will go see your other counselor even though I don’t want to. And YES I will go see that other Dr who is not going to like what I tell him. Yes I will read your stupid packet of information. Yes I will keep a journal of stupid things that I DO NOT WANT TO KEEP TRACK of for you. And finally yes I will see you in a week, and another week, and another week.
And it is at this point that I realize my dogs have once again saved me from myself.