Epinephrine – a hormone triggered during the Fight-or-Flight-Response to a threat.  Adrenaline – another name for Epinephrine.

Elevated heart rate, clear mind, every muscle is ready.  It only takes a few words.

Words.

Part of the beauty of psychology is its revealing nature.  Eventually, the cracks in one’s bullet proof vest are discovered.  Hidden secrets, suppressed trauma can only stay protected for so long – and once a bullet makes it past our shields and armor, its full-on psychological warfare.

A few words and your mind and/or body experience danger.  It’s a trigger.  Your trigger.  You control it as best you can.  You wear your armor. Your walls are thick but sometimes you are caught off guard.  And then you realize you can’t escape your past.

Once a victim, always in fear.

If you can’t tell – I MAY have been a LITTLE crabby that night with my ghetto beach-bum rock-band SUCKING neighbors – and because of a few other things like the fact that MEN DON’T HAVE HEARTS!!!  BUT!!!  GUESS WHAT????  LAST NIGHT I WAS EVEN MORE CRABBY!!!!

MORE!!

Hard to believe – I know.  But it’s true – or at least it WAS true for the whole of a couple hours until a hot knight in damp armor (it was raining outside) rescued me from my rottenness and I got over it – temporarily.

So what could have temporarily made Daisy  MORE crabby than all of those crabby emoticons above??

Oh I don’t know … maybe the fact that North Sydney aka CommitmentPhobe aka Ultimate Douchebag aka HE’S DEAD TO ME decided to call and RIP out my heart – total gory Halloween style – and SMASH IT UP INTO A NICE MUSHY MUSHNESS and FRY IT UP LIKE A HAMBURGER.

We dated a bit, I hated him for a bit, I fell in love with him for a bit and TWO weeks ago he told me he was ready to take a chance on love (this was TWO WEEKS AGO!!)

LAST NIGHT he called to tell me HE HAS GOTTEN BACK TOGETHER WITH HIS EX from two years ago THAT HE’S ALWAYS TOLD ME HE COULDN’T STAND and THEY’RE THINKING OF MOVING IN TOGETHER!

Say WHHHAAATTT???  Two weeks he told me I WAS THE ONLY GIRL IN HIS LIFE.  Right.  Can we say DOUCHEBAG??

My mom says he’s dead to us.  So guess what??  I hope he DOESN’T rest in peace and GUESS WHAT ELSE??

This is his official Daisy Blog Obituary.

CommitmentPhobe was really cool until he turned into a weird-o freak.  Ultimate Douchebag was always a douchebag.  And although I fell in love with North Sydney and his child and although he loved me in his own twisted way too –  he only loved me as his emotional and relationship CRUTCH and it’s time to let him walk all on his own.   Good Riddance!

And if I could stick my tongue out in childish glory – I soooooo would.  But he’s “dead” to me now – and to my mom – so I think it’s time to live it up a little in Sydney before I go home.  Watch out!  I usually take the high road…

but I think it’s time to take a walk on the wild side.

in other news, I took these really cool photos that you may or may not have seen on my other blog 4, 5, 6, ELEVEN Petals.

Ugh.

Anyway – back to the one sided convo – I’m good at these….

North Sydney got a similar email.  And no – I’m not bitter AT ALL!  nope nope nope – I’m in a FABULOUS mood.  hmphf!!

Noise cancellation headphones.  Lots of bass.  Volume – a lot of volume – the kind that almost makes your ears ring – not the kind girls try to get in their hair. It’s quiet time.  Quiet time with deafening emotional noise.

Admittedly I am going to sleep on the wrong side of the bed tonight.  It’s just one of those days.

“In the brightest hour of my darkest day I realized what is wrong with me …  days come and go but my feelings last forever” ~papa roach

Hmm – I should probably put a little sugar in this post.  Let’s see … my brother taught me how to do tilt-shift effects on photography – I’ll come up with better examples when I’m not crabby/grumpy/tired/ornery (you get the picture) – but this will do for now.

Oh and while I’m throwing stuff out there – North Sydney is  NOW on a space freak kick (so much for things staying the same – oh wait – that’s right – they DID stay the same – he ALWAYS freaks out)…

AAANNNDDD I believe I completely alienated CC+4 – which is actually kind of a funny story about the reality of mis-communication in emails but – not a story for today … and anyway – I feel kind of guilty – because I could PROBABLY correct the situation (and by probably I mean I totally could) but I don’t want to – and then I feel guilty because I don’t want to – like I’m a bad person for not wanting to repair things – but then my adviser says I need to learn to stop being so hard on myself and I think – WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE REASONS FOR EVERYTHING I DO AND FEEL??  Can’t I just FEEL a certain way??  Maybe I don’t FEEL like repairing things.

Matty  Matt would say that’s perfectly fine – but my stupid conscience!!!!!  It nags and nags and nags – the thing is – I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!

But I FEEL like I could have handled the situation better because I recognize there has been a misunderstanding and I FEEL like it’s my responsibility to fix things – but then I think …

WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX EVERYTHING?

And then I think “Because I’m the bigger person – or because I’m strong – or because I CAN and if I CAN then I SHOULD…” but then that OTHER side of my conscience kicks in and says – DAISY!!!!!!!  STOP!!!!!!  Stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to be perfectly unselfish and perfectly devoted to always putting yourself LAST.

WHY?? Because in some twisted form of rational logic putting myself last actually does more harm than good – and in that sense I should feel guilty for doing HARM – so it’s A NO WIN SITUATION.  When I put myself and my feelings first – I feel guilty for being “selfish” and when I put myself last I feel guilty and resentful.  Guilty because I know that ultimately putting myself last means I’m lowering my worth and making myself less worthwhile to society as a whole – and resentful because for 27 years I’ve tried to be everything that I SHOULD be – and being everything one SHOULD be is quite impossible.  And I’m tired.

That’s right.  I’m tired.  Very very tired of it all.

First I had an assignment due – a big one.  That was due 2 weeks ago.  I still haven’t handed it in.  Things haven’t been going as smoothly as hoped.

Day 20, 21 & 22- when I was still optimistic about my essay

Day 23 and 24 – Remember how I decided no more kissing North Sydney because HE IS A COMMITMENTPHOBE who FREAKS OUT every time HE kisses me!?!?  Yeah – that didn’t last long.  And then I went to my international adviser and she told me that she struggling to try and work with me because I’m smarter than her and my life is very complicated.  Gee – that’s encouraging. (insert glare.)

Day 25 and 26 -  I think it was about THIS point in my life when I discovered North Sydney didn’t remember ANYTHING about our meeting, his “stalk you later” phone calls and our very brief romance a year ago.  I very bluntly called this to his attention. :)  He tried to kiss and make up – I rolled my eyes and laughed.  Then I tried to do my essay and fell asleep over and over again.  Oh and I discovered I can tell the difference between fresh and not-as-fresh M&Ms. oh yes.

Day 27 – I went and met with the adviser again and this time she was more encouraging.  We determined that I’m having issues with essay writing because of my first semester as a graduate student when I had a super nasty teacher who used her dislike of my nationality to influence the marks she gave me.  As a straight 95% and above student my whole life – I lost all confidence in my ability to be a student after I received her grades and this lack of confidence is a detriment to my current studies.  :(  We agreed that discrimination and racism are out of my control and I need to try and move forward.  I decided to study in the park under the bright and beautiful sun.

Day 28 -  I actually went to class – instead of staying home sick like I did the rest of the week.  Class was REALLY good – I’m in the process of animating a girl on a swing set.  It’s a lot of fun and I can do it for hours and hours without getting bored.  A BIG relief from essay writing.

Day 29 and 30 – I’ve had insomnia like no other the past couple of weeks.  “Bones” the television series has become my nightly insomnia treatment.  It also makes for great dreams.  I’ve never been a better crime fighter/super hero/pretend anthropologist in my life. :) lol.

Day 31 – One month down – 12 more to go.

It means “I love you” in sign language.  I might have accidentally kind of said something that would indicate the possibility that I COULD be in love with North Sydney.  I didn’t mean to!!  It slipped out!!!

He said- “You need to have kids.  You will be a great mom.”  (a nice compliment bcuz he has a child.)

I said – “Yeah but finding the right guy is going to be next to impossible.  I think I’ll just settle with my dogs – they’re like my kids.”

He laughed and said, “You’re getting close.  If you mix CC+4 with -3 you’d almost get the perfect man for you.”

I said, “Yeah but I’m never going to meet someone who is perfect and there isn’t going to be a guy out there who is a cross between all the good of CC+4 and all the good of -3.”

He said, “You never know…”

I said, “What I really need is just to find the American version of you – then I’d be set.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID THAT!!!

I told my flatmate that I couldn’t believe I let that one slip out!!!  North Sydney gets scared off every time he kisses me – and then I tell him he’s like the perfect guy for me??  My flatmate said, “Yeah but do you feel that way?”  I said – “Yes.”  And my flatmate said, “Well then you told the truth.  You shouldn’t be worried about it.”

He’s right.  I told the truth.  And fortunately for me – North Sydney DIDN’T freak out – he just took it as a compliment – and things are the same as always.  :)

Day 17 – A not so great day

Day 18 – today I had my ipod on the most downer playlist I have … I had a great day.  I made a new friend, got some work done – it’s just that my spirits are still a little bit low (see pic yesterday.)  I liked this street art – his look matched my emotions.  (and the over-saturation on just my hair??? HAHA!  Well – I have always said I want to be a super-villain – this was step one.  ;)

Why is THIS all worth it?  Why??

(You can substitute the word THIS for many, many things – having your heart broken, deciding to get a much-needed divorce, working through your problems with a friend, recovering from an eating disorder, recovering from depression, dealing with hardships of school, life and life’s hardships in general, being nice to people who are mean, working at a crap job, etc – I think most people have a THIS – and what I’m about to say should apply to most of it.)

So seriously – Why is THIS all worth it?  Why are these challenges and heartaches worth it?? Why bother??

The blog I read was searching for meaning in the hardship – a meaning for the end result – a meaning for the acceptance/recovery/healing/hardwork.  And that’s when I found myself answering a question I’ve so often asked myself – why is it worth it?  Why continue?  Why push on?  Why NOT give up??  Well … because:

It IS worth it – but you have to change the goal.

Here’s an elaborated version of the comment I left:

When I start thinking about it all being ‘worth it’ then – if I’m not careful – I quickly revert back to old habits or want to give up. I KNOW what I’m getting myself into with old habits – but who knows what the future holds?  The future could be WORSE. – or it could be just as bad – but with a lot of extra heartache.

It is then – when I’m lucky and am able to step back a bit from my troubles – that I look at that question a little more closely.

Who knows what the future holds??

No one. And isn’t that a grand thing?

The future is ours for the shaping.

Maybe the goal shouldn’t be the end result or finish line.  Maybe we should stop looking at “when I finally recover” or “when I finally leave him” or “eventually I’ll be over my eating disorder.” Sure it’s good to have hope for a brighter tomorrow – but life is about so much more than this.

Life is the experiences along the way – the detours, the speed bumps and sometimes?

Sometimes life is even about the stop signs.

Look – I’m not saying life is great.  Life kinda sucks!!  And I DEFINITELY haven’t wanted many of the experiences I’ve had – image issues, divorce, the death of loved ones… and has any of that been “worth it”??  H.E.DOUBLE NO.  or for those of you who don’t speak fake swear words – that’s a big HELL NO.

But that’s when my conscience kicks in with an old saying:

“Life isn’t about learning to weather the storms – it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

We can’t control all of the storms that come our way – but we can control our attitude and our courage. If the point of it all is not recovery in itself but instead the challenge of accepting these trials while smiling through them – even when you want to give up – well that right there is something.
I totally understand the whole – “Yeah but WHY would I choose to go through this when I don’t HAVE to?”
WWWWEEELLLLL – life is about progressing – stagnancy gets you no where. :) You won’t learn a whole lot if you wallow in your misery or give up.  But if you move forward:
you challenge yourself,
you learn,
you grow,

you LIVE.

WHY BOTHER??
Because it’s a challenge, an opportunity for learning and growth and a way to experience life and ALL of life’s emotional intensity. It’s not about the destination – no no – it’s about the journey. And if you make the JOURNEY the meaning – then regardless of the outcome – it WILL be worth it.

Pics of the day – 9, 10 and 11

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?? *big smiley face*

It means I’m going to give you a debriefing on CC+4, #3 and that new Jordin Spark’s craptastic song that I downloaded because well – LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD – oh and I’m also going to explain why I am at war.

THAT’S RIGHT!  I’m AT WAR!!! … or at least my heart is …

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD

The song says “Don’t try to explain your mind I know what’s happening here.  One minute it’s love and suddenly it’s like the battlefield.  … I never meant to start a war.”

I’m trying to decide how to make this long story short – ah ha!  OUTLINE!!!

1. #3 calls and quizzes me on my “sportiness”
2. I wonder why the BLEEP he’s telling me he wants to get me into the gym
3. #3 confesses he thinks I’m wonderful
4. I say, “Yeah except you think I’m fat.”
5. #3 FREAKS OUT!!  He just wanted to spend quality time with me
6. I think “oopsie!”
7. #3 decides we don’t understand each other and wants to get to know the “real me”
8. #3 tries to upset me
9. I get upset
10. #3 drops the L bomb

#3 DROPS THE L BOMB!!!!!!

And then I say, “What?  No I don’t think so.  You can’t drop that on me right now while you’re PURPOSEFULLY TRYING TO MAKE ME UPSET!!”

He blah blah blahs some more and his phone dies.  And I’m left bewildered.

And then I went boating and well – see for yourself.  Me w/CC+4.

A picture speaks a thousand words.  And this pic in color – well – it speaks volumes.  Volumes and volumes.  It’s a great picture but I can’t go down this road again.  It hurt too much last time. He crushed me when suddenly stopped logging onto skype, stopped responding to emails – he deserted me.  And yet the feelings were instantly rekindled when I got home … but I don’t work that way.

I CAN’T TURN MY HEART OFF AND ON LIKE THAT!!!  And seeing him again … I can’t … I can’t.  I’m slipping – I have feelings for him.  But …

I can’t.  I really really can’t.  My heart can’t take it.  Not now – not when I’m supposed to leave in a week.  Not when #3 is dropping the L bomb on me.  Not when – well – not now.

My life is in Syndey now right?  I live there.  It’s where I’m supposed to be.

right ?

And I REALLY like #3.

So CC+4 – well … maybe I need to let him go.  Figuratively of course.  I need to tell my heart to let him go.  I need to focus on what’s REAL. And although my feelings for him are most definitely real – CC+4 has not done anything to lead me to believe he has any intentions for long term.  And if I can fully let him go – my heart will have no strings holding it back from #3.

I guess that settles things.  I have feelings for #3.  I have feelings for CC+4.  #3 has feelings for me.  CC+4 – ??  #3 wants a relationship.  CC+4 and I live 8,000 miles apart.  And now I just have to convince myself that spending time with CC+4 will do nothing but make the break in my heart more painful when I leave.  It’s time to let go.

But … if that’s the case – why does my heart feel this way??

It occurred to me that the only people who would know I suck at life right now are people who caught the few confessional blogs recently or the few friends I’ve let in on it.  Other than that and well – my international student adviser and my teachers at school (who OMGOSH- AGH!!!) – no one would have any clue.

Someone questioned my authenticity because I appear to have everything under control when I FEEL as if nothing is under control.  This really bothered me. Does it make me less authentic because I choose not to tell everyone I meet  that my sky is falling?  Does it make me less authentic if I maintain a certain level of vanity when my inner life is scattered and chaotic?  Why do I have to LOOK like a disaster just because my life is one?  And why the H.E.DOUBLE do I need to act like a disaster if I have personal troubles?  I don’t!!!

Life is what you make it.  I can control SOME things.  Other things are outside of my control.  The things I CAN control – I do.  Why does that make me not authentic?

Ok so I maintain appearances.  I participate in the normal life activities.  I still LAUGH and SMILE and crack jokes and go to parties even though I’ve cried more in this past few months than I have in the past year.  THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME FAKE!  It just means I’m a fighter and I’m fighting to be happy.

I believe our thoughts follow our actions.  And even when my thoughts are less than happy I still try and live a normal, happy, active life.  Why is that such a crime?

What do you think?  To be authentic do you need to ACT depressed when you FEEL depressed?  Is it ok to look good when you’re not feeling well?  Does it make you fake to seem happy, in control, and on top of the world when you don’t always feel that way?

I think the next person who questions my authenticity because they ASSUMED my life is perfect and they ASSUMED I’ve had a trial-free past just because I choose to be happy and I LOOK happy – I’m going to tell them to shove it.  Just because THEY can’t maintain appearances when their life is going to pieces doesn’t mean that I have to follow suit. 

The International Student Adviser suggested I go home for the winter break.  [insert look of death]  I told her I didn’t think I wanted to.  I haven’t booked my ticket home.  I haven’t put my room up for hire and I haven’t even looked at a calendar to see how many weeks until I COULD go home.  I don’t care.  Yes that’s right.  Daisy – the girl who had a 16 week countdown last semester and couldn’t WAIT to get home now doesn’t care.

The counselor argued “Yeah but what about your family?”  Well I talk to my mom or dad every day or every other day but if I go home I have to face the fact that recently my brothers chose to exclude me from their lives – going home HURTS.  She counters, “Right but you have such a solid support group there.”  Well yeah sure I have friends there but I keep in touch with some of them here.  And as far as going to parties – I can do that here or there.  She tries again, “But the weather here will be terrible.  It will rain almost every day.  It’s only for a month or two.  Go home and recharge.”  haha!  Nice try.  I don’t mind the rain.  In fact, the rain quite suits me as of late.

Then she stabs me in the heart.  “But what about your dogs?”

DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN IT!  And that’s when I realize I’ve completely lost myself.  What is going on?  What is my problem?  What happened to me?  I should be COUNTING DOWN the very days until I can see them again.

My heart received the biggest jolt.  My reality shaken.

Suddenly I could HEAR everything she was trying to tell me.  Yes, yes.   There IS something wrong.  Yes – there is a problem.  It’s been going on for a year now.  And yes, when my brothers walked out of my life it got significantly worse.  So YES I will go see your other counselor even though I don’t want to.  And YES I will go see that other Dr who is not going to like what I tell him.  Yes I will read your stupid packet of information.  Yes I will keep a journal of stupid things that I DO NOT WANT TO KEEP TRACK of for you.  And finally yes I will see you in a week, and another week, and another week.

And though I slightly resent it, yes I will get better.

And it is at this point that I realize my dogs have once again saved me from myself.