Day 16 – A pretty good day!!
Day 17 – A not so great day
Day 18 – today I had my ipod on the most downer playlist I have … I had a great day. I made a new friend, got some work done – it’s just that my spirits are still a little bit low (see pic yesterday.) I liked this street art – his look matched my emotions. (and the over-saturation on just my hair??? HAHA! Well – I have always said I want to be a super-villain – this was step one. ;)
Yesterday I read a blog which expressed feelings I know all too well.
Why is THIS all worth it? Why??
(You can substitute the word THIS for many, many things – having your heart broken, deciding to get a much-needed divorce, working through your problems with a friend, recovering from an eating disorder, recovering from depression, dealing with hardships of school, life and life’s hardships in general, being nice to people who are mean, working at a crap job, etc – I think most people have a THIS – and what I’m about to say should apply to most of it.)
So seriously – Why is THIS all worth it? Why are these challenges and heartaches worth it?? Why bother??
The blog I read was searching for meaning in the hardship – a meaning for the end result – a meaning for the acceptance/recovery/healing/hardwork. And that’s when I found myself answering a question I’ve so often asked myself – why is it worth it? Why continue? Why push on? Why NOT give up?? Well … because:
Here’s an elaborated version of the comment I left:
When I start thinking about it all being ‘worth it’ then – if I’m not careful – I quickly revert back to old habits or want to give up. I KNOW what I’m getting myself into with old habits – but who knows what the future holds? The future could be WORSE. – or it could be just as bad – but with a lot of extra heartache.
It is then – when I’m lucky and am able to step back a bit from my troubles – that I look at that question a little more closely.
No one. And isn’t that a grand thing?
Maybe the goal shouldn’t be the end result or finish line. Maybe we should stop looking at “when I finally recover” or “when I finally leave him” or “eventually I’ll be over my eating disorder.” Sure it’s good to have hope for a brighter tomorrow – but life is about so much more than this.
Life is the experiences along the way – the detours, the speed bumps and sometimes?
Sometimes life is even about the stop signs.
Look – I’m not saying life is great. Life kinda sucks!! And I DEFINITELY haven’t wanted many of the experiences I’ve had – image issues, divorce, the death of loved ones… and has any of that been “worth it”?? H.E.DOUBLE NO. or for those of you who don’t speak fake swear words – that’s a big HELL NO.
But that’s when my conscience kicks in with an old saying:
We can’t control all of the storms that come our way – but we can control our attitude and our courage. If the point of it all is not recovery in itself but instead the challenge of accepting these trials while smiling through them – even when you want to give up – well that right there is something.
I totally understand the whole – “Yeah but WHY would I choose to go through this when I don’t HAVE to?”
WWWWEEELLLLL – life is about progressing – stagnancy gets you no where. :) You won’t learn a whole lot if you wallow in your misery or give up. But if you move forward:
you challenge yourself,
you learn,
you grow,
WHY BOTHER??
Because it’s a challenge, an opportunity for learning and growth and a way to experience life and ALL of life’s emotional intensity. It’s not about the destination – no no – it’s about the journey. And if you make the JOURNEY the meaning – then regardless of the outcome – it WILL be worth it.
Pics of the day – 9, 10 and 11
Dear Daisy,
Hello! It’s your conscience here – but you PROLLY already knew that. It’s just … well … I hate to interrupt your normal bloginess but … well … we need to talk. You know your little horoscope project? The one that you were like, “OMGOSH THIS IS SO SUPER EXCITING – I’m going to do it for A WHOLE MONTH.” Yeah – that project.
I’m just a conscience so I won’t tell you this was a great idea in theory but a crap idea at the beginning of a semester – no no – I’ll just stick to what is RIGHT and what is WRONG. Ok ok – actually I’m just going to stick with what is WRONG.
Umm Hello?? Who woke up on the crabby side of the bed today?? And then blared “hot dog” by Limp Bizkit on repeat because it’s a REALLY angry song?? I know – you listened to Linkin Park, NIN and Papa Roach too … but you get what I’m saying.
Today’s task was ” … is not about escaping from your daily routine; it’s about developing a more spiritual approach to what you must do.”
Now tell me Daisy – do you think Limp Bizkit and hearing the F word screamed like 40 kajillionbillion times helped you develop a more spiritual approach??
Moving on … I was proud of you for answering the phone when No. Sydney called – but you could have handled the fact THAT HE ONLY CALLED YOU BECAUSE HE NEEDED TECHNICAL WEB HELP better. Did you REALLY need to switch to depressing music and listen to THAT on repeat too??
I think you went into today’s horoscope with a negative attitude (for proof please see your post yesterday) AAANNNDDD I think you shouldn’t do that again. You’re never going to achieve the random wisdom/growth you were hoping a project like this could provide give you if you HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE!!!
SHAPE UP!!
Sincerely yours,
~Your Conscience
HOLY CRAP is my conscience mean or what?? So to help me snap out of my funk – I went to class and really tried to EXPERIENCE class. My teacher is crazy – I took lots of notes – and I even played a game of Hangman – why? Because life is about living, loving and laughing :) And living means being PRESENT – so I was present in class – and felt the feelings of the first day of school, noticed my friends in class, remembered what it felt like to be in high school. And when I took a bathroom break and had to walk down a long corridor which was TWENTY DEGREES COLDER than my classroom – then walk down a weird dingy and poorly lit staircase to get to the bathroom … and when inside of the bathroom it was dark, old and there were small child sized watering cans in every stall … and the water to wash up was placed at a level below my knees … I experienced it. I imagined the ghosts haunting the halls – I shivered – I lived.
Today did have a rough start. And to be honest – it’s had a rough ending as well. But I FELT my day today. And as much as my conscience would like to say I did a half-assed job – at the end of the day I think experiencing life at a heightened sense of perception/observation/feeling surprisingly satisfies my horoscope.
for better and for worse.
Day 5/365
I know what you’re probably thinking … you’re probably thinking I have some sort of ill wish on my heart because I keep hanging out with CC+4. Why would I do that??? The more time we spend together the more we get to know each other – the more we get to know each other the more we like each other – and the more we like each other the more fun we have. I can’t resist – and even though I know the more fun we have the more sucky the goodbye will be again when I leave him a second time on Monday -
-3 was a total douchebag for so many more reasons than I ever was willing to blog about – but he was right about one thing. I wasn’t into it 100%.
I couldn’t be. Here’s another pic from that boating day …
I’ve said all along I needed resolution with CC+4 before I’d ever be able to give my heart fully to anyone else – and coming back to Utah – realizing that CC+4 is the ONLY person who can tempt me away from my reclusive family life – and yeah – I don’t know where I’m going with this – but you know that feeling when you’re in a crowded room, or stadium, or party but you feel completely secure, almost oblivious to the chaos around?
I’m THAT into him.
Last night he asked me out on a proper date. He invites me to do things ALL OF THE TIME but generally I have other plans and yeah – anyway – it was Pioneer Day yesterday so we went to a Major League Soccer Game – he was fun and flirtatious – looked fly as always – and we were with a big group and he made sure that everyone knew he was taken for the night. lol. After the game we went onto the field to watch the fireworks – he held me close and we sat away from our group.
He spun me around, held me close, danced me in circles and put #3′s elevator dancing to complete shame. lol. I’m teasing – but let’s compare. A quick dance in an elevator – a long dance in front of tons of people on the field of a major league soccer field? I guess it’s not just Australians who know how to romance a girl.
And as a quick fyi – my FM should be proud – we salsa-ed. :)
I’m new at this heart-to-heart define-the-relationship stuff so I didn’t go THAT far but here’s how it went …
Me – “You make my life complicated.”
Him – “What?? I make your life complicated?” He chuckles.
Me – “Yeah – you know how you kinda had a GF when I first got back?” – he nods – “Well I kind of had a BF too.” – SHOCK on his face. I continue – “He was really nice. We had fun – he told me he loved me about a week ago – we talked about having kids – blah blah blah – and then he dumped me a couple of days later.”
Him – laughs in surprise – “He told you all of that and then broke up with you?”
Me – “Yep. He said I wasn’t into it 100% and he was right.” I give him a long sultry look ;) and then look away a little shyly. I continue – “It’s hard to be 100% into someone when you’re in Utah and into someone else.” pause –
I don’t even think I’ll see him again before I leave – tonight he’s out of town – tomorrow is my family farewell dinner and tomorrow he’s headed into the mountains for his best friend’s bday party – I was invited – but family first …
I leave Monday …
Now what?? Will he get scared off? Will we continue our long distance friendship? Will I see him again? Only time will tell … but my fingers are crossed…
And this is not related but I la-la-la-LOVE this pic – my niece and my sister-in-law (her mom.) She’s so funny – AND she’s met CC+4 and she not only likes him but asks me when she’ll see him again. Big bonus points for CC+4 – he’s GREAT with kids.
Want to know a secret? I am an introvert. Believe it or not – it’s the truth.
Sometimes I feel guilty about this – sometimes I even feel like I SHOULD feel embarrassed or ashamed. Lots of times I would rather hang out with my dogs than go and be “social.” Some people would judge this as anti-social and problematic. I think what people forget is that being introverted doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being social. It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy parties, meeting new people, telling jokes, or being outgoing – it just means at the end of the day I don’t feel “whole” without a little – well – quiet time.
It’s difficult to be an introvert in an extroverted world. People often give me a hard time for not going to parties or for turning down dates. They look at me like I’m a weirdo when I tell them I declined an offer to do this or that and played frisbee with my dogs instead.
It’s just that in the grand scheme of things I look at it this way. Will I remember the party I went to this weekend in 10 years? Probably not.
Will I remember making a music video with my nieces and nephew? The family doggy birthday party I threw for Duchess and Chloe (they turned 4 btw) ? How about the afternoon with my nephew when he taught me all about water balloons?
Yes. Yes I think I will.
Does this mean there is something wrong with me? Maybe. But I’m ok with that.
WHY AM I BRINGING THIS UP??? Because people give me a hard time about it. They insinuate that I’m not living my life to the fullest. But seriously – I’m on VACATION I don’t want to date when I COULD be spending quality time with my peeps (family and dogs.) 
It’s funny how differently people define fun. Or maybe it’s just funny how I personally define fun. But for me? Fun is hearing my 4 year old niece tell me she loves me, having my 10 year old niece confide her feelings in me, having my 11 year old nephew send me text messages, cuddling with my dogs, and sitting outside on the patio chatting with my family.
Am I boring? I guess so.
