Category Archives: My pathetic heart

He was asking about you

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I think the decision was made in my heart long before I was willing to consciously accept it.  Everything else had to be put on hold while I sorted this through.

I sent MIUB a text today.  My late night whereabouts happened to be near his house.  The memories flooded back.  Why did Sheryl have to mention him tonight?  Why does everyone have to mention him?  “Oh Daisy I saw MIUB this weekend at a party.  He asked about you.“  “Oh guess who I ran into this weekend?  I saw MIUB.  He asked about you.”  “Hey so I saw MIUB this weekend.  He was asking about you.”

ENOUGH!  Seriously – enough.  It bugs.

The other day I was so lost and confused.  An opportunity to stay in UT for a few more weeks presented itself.  I was distraught.  How could I make that decision?  I couldn’t think.  I couldn’t do anything.  I had to escape from my mind.  I started cleaning out boxes (my life is in storage right now) but before I knew it I had assembled a neat pile of things to take back to Sydney with me.

I am taking a huge chance on myself and my feelings by doing this.  I’m leaving behind more than words can articulate.  What if this is the wrong choice?  What if my staying in Utah is really for the best?

And then I remember that night – those eyes.  Brown eyes that pierced my soul.  Those eyes changed the course of my life.  I have to trust there was a reason my eyes locked with his.  I’m not saying the owner of those eyes and I are meant to be – but we were meant to meet.  I have to trust the path he opened for me.  I have to be in Sydney.

And now I hope.  Hope.  Now I hope that I am on the right track and not merely running away.

Holiday Schmolidays

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Melancholy – sober thoughtfulness, gloomy state of mind, pensive reflection or contemplation.

What better way to inspire/encourage a little melancholy than to watch The Holiday on a bitterly cold, incredibly wintry night.  Sure it’s supposed to be a feel good, warm and fuzzy movie but when you connect with the characters – the one-sided love affair of Iris – the emotional unavailability of the jaded Amanda – it becomes more sobering than heart warming.  Instead of happy tears at the ending, you feel their prick when statements hit too close to home.

I’ve found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said “Journeys end in lovers meeting.” What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

To have a journey end in a meeting one would have to be prepared to take a chance on the new joint venture/journey.  But not just ONE of the people – both have to.  That would require a lot of faith, optimism, and trust.  Is that even possible?

Because you’re hoping you’re wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she’s no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she’s not for you.

I understand this feeling all too well.  It’s the reason I stopped dating in January 2008 – I went on a boy fast/diet.  I made one too many excuses for one too many men.  I had to break away from it to establish clarity.

So why did I choose to watch this tonight?  Probably for the same reason I chose to skip all the weekend parties and spend a Friday night with my brother’s family instead (which that was delightful btw – homemade popcorn, wonderful company and a niece whose smile brightens up any room.)   There’s a lot going on in my world right now.  A lot of choices and a lot of changes.  I’m moving back to Sydney.  My life is chaotic – I have no interest in parties and superficial relationships in Utah.   I finally think I’m looking for something substantial and since that won’t be found here, I have no desire to waste my time – time that could be spent surrounded by people and animals that love me.  It feels good to be loved.  And it feels good to love in return.   And it feels good to have these priorities.

The lies I tell myself

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A bitter reality today.  Bitter like the disappointment you feel when biting into what you THINK is a crisp apple only to find a grainy, over-ripe mess in your mouth.

Now imagine that two days prior you had felt the apple and even though you could tell it was probably the PERFECT amount of ripe, you second-guessed yourself and decided to wait to eat it.  And then of course the instant that grainy nasty mess hits your tongue you are slapped in the face with the reality that you ignored your instincts once again.

This is the story of my life.  Except that I DO trust my instincts with apples and wow am I great judge of ripeness!  Wahoo!  I love crisp apples.  ) Oh wait – I’m getting distracted.  Apples aside, I mistrust my instincts on a constant basis.  OOOHHH it infuriates me!!!

Today I discovered that a boy from the past, not HIM, but the one before him, really  DID like me.  LOL!!!  What a ridiculous statement to make!  I should be like “Of COURSE he liked me!” but I didn’t trust that he did.  I didn’t have the confidence that he did.  I didn’t have the self-esteem to believe it.

My discovery rooted in my stomach like a deep pit.  My insecurities pushed him away and now I’m stuck with the consequences.

In other news:

  • I finished abstract painting #2.
  • I find the song “I Hate This Part” by the Pussycat Dolls refreshingly depressing.  Yes I said that correctly.
  • I feel more confused and lost with regard to my life and its direction than I ever have.
  • There are only 3 more weeks until I go back to Sydney.
  • It snowed today. (this is the first time since I’ve been back in Utah.)

Ooh – can I just MOVE to Memory Lane?

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So guess what kind of mood I was in today after a night of no sleep?  A GREAT ONE of course!!

But then night hit and I had a party to attend.  I had been drowning my troubles in a little “So What” by Pink and a little “Shattered Glass” by B. Spears, so I was in quite the little sassy mood.  I flirted outrageously and then found myself planning a group trip to Vegas with my BFF for his birthday.

That’s great right?  Why am I such a complainer?  Oh wait – that’s right – because guess which club we will be doing a little VIP rocking at?  Body English. And OF COURSE it was the first club they listed as top priority to hit.  Why does this matter?  It doesn’t – except THAT’S WHERE I MET HIM!!!!

Please, please, could fate do everything in her power to shove his memory in my face?

Whatever – it’s all good.  I mean I did see a for sale sign on some great house on Memory Lane today.  I kinda wanted to live on Memory Avenue or at least Memory Circle (so I could just go round and round and round) but I think – what the hay?  Why not buy the little house on Memory Lane and take up permanent residence?  Sounds like SO MUCH FUN!  (err!! insert frustration! )

december-4-num-2

But so what?  I’m still a rockstar.  I’ve got my rock moves.  And I don’t need HIM.  And guess what?  I’m having more fun.  And now that we’re done, I’m going to show him TONIGHT – I am alright, I’m just fine.

And I’m going to keep telling myself this until I completely believe it.

Insomnia – the joy of my nights

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I used to get insomnia ALL of the time.  And I mean ALL of the time.   Sure it sucked but I dealt with it.  It was my life – what else could I do?

It kind of went away when I moved to the land down under (which coincidentally was the same time I gave up gluten) and I announced myself as cured!  YAY!  I was officially free from my sleeping disorder (diagnosis made by the magic powers of Daisy’s mind.)

Then about 6 weeks ago the insomnia started again.  I wonder if it could have anything to do with the bajillion things going on in my mind.

And then of course there’s this problem of HIM.  Yes – HIM.  My mind always drifts to HIM during the long hours at night when I want to sleep but can’t shut my mind down.  OF COURSE I think about HIM when I have insomnia – he has it too.  AND he’s never far from my mind. WHY??!!!???

Somewhere along the line he became an unconscious habit – one that I’m just barely recognizing.  I had it under control when I was in Sydney.  I very decidedly told myself that I was not allowed to think about him AT ALL and I was at least 80% successful.  You see, he kind of almost broke my heart. And he WOULD have broken it but I kept that pretty under control too.  I’d say I was at least 80% successful.  ;)

Ok so about 3 weeks before I came home though, I FINALLY admitted to my BFF to the extreme, Crysta, and my mom that I still had feelings for him.  AGH!!!  I’m so dumb!!!   And then of course now I’ve come back to memory lane.  And everyone asks about him because of course they ALL knew about him before I left. I was completely at least 80%  infatuated with him and at one point he was at least 80% infatuated with me in return.  Oh and did I mention he just happened to live in Australia?  WOW!  Imagine that!  (Full story coming soon.)

So everyone asks and that pushes him to the forefront of my mind – and ERR!!!

I guess today was just a little bit extra sucky because I went and saw all of my old coworkers who were there with me from the beginning of the infatuation.  And of course they asked – they ALL asked about him – and even though I told them I was moving to Australia for SCHOOL and not a boy they all secretly hoped it would work out and conveniently forgot that he lost interest BEFORE I EVEN ARRIVED!!!!  I reminded them of this tiny detail and they were like, “Oh yeah that’s right.  So he didn’t regain interest when he saw you again?”

NOPE!  AND THANK YOU FOR RUBBING IT IN!!!

Oh I can do nothing but laugh.  My silly heart.  It’s all good though, my thoughts of him now are nothing but wishes that he’s doing well and is happy.  Ok that’s a lie – sometimes they’re a bit more complicated than that – sometimes they’re memories – or silly wishes.  But for the most part, I don’t ever dwell.  I just wonder what he’s up to and hope he has a smile on his face.  )