“OOH!” I exclaimed to my flatmate Sam.  ”Look he killed himself.”
Sam looked at me quizzically.  ”Daisy he’s just floating – trapped in a box.”
“Oh.”

When we ran into a bunch of nooses (Sculpture by the Sea 2009 is finally here!) Sam only saw rope.
Hmmm …. They sure were KNOTTED like nooses!!!

And THEN we ran into this guy.  And I was really digging him.
He’s cute – unexpected – unobtrusive.
Even though he is ABOUT TO KILL HIMSELF!!!
Umm hello??  Those are some dangerous rocks to almost be jumping off!!
Though strangely Sam only saw a man gazing at the vast ocean

I wasn’t a big fan of this one.  Never have been into dead zombies charging from hell to kill people.
Would you ever guess that Sam kind of liked it??  He saw a pretty pony!

And last but not least – DEMONS (and no I did NOT adjust the color of this picture!!)

Yeah – DEMONS.  And they were perched next to a tree filled with massive blair witch project wanna bee creepy tree things.
Sam says they were just beehives – next to garden sprites.

And you what I say to that??

WHATEVER!!

Except I can’t help but thinking … maybe I need some sleep.

Ugh.

Anyway – back to the one sided convo – I’m good at these….

North Sydney got a similar email.  And no – I’m not bitter AT ALL!  nope nope nope – I’m in a FABULOUS mood.  hmphf!!

Noise cancellation headphones.  Lots of bass.  Volume – a lot of volume – the kind that almost makes your ears ring – not the kind girls try to get in their hair. It’s quiet time.  Quiet time with deafening emotional noise.

Admittedly I am going to sleep on the wrong side of the bed tonight.  It’s just one of those days.

“In the brightest hour of my darkest day I realized what is wrong with me …  days come and go but my feelings last forever” ~papa roach

Hmm – I should probably put a little sugar in this post.  Let’s see … my brother taught me how to do tilt-shift effects on photography – I’ll come up with better examples when I’m not crabby/grumpy/tired/ornery (you get the picture) – but this will do for now.

Oh and while I’m throwing stuff out there – North Sydney is  NOW on a space freak kick (so much for things staying the same – oh wait – that’s right – they DID stay the same – he ALWAYS freaks out)…

AAANNNDDD I believe I completely alienated CC+4 – which is actually kind of a funny story about the reality of mis-communication in emails but – not a story for today … and anyway – I feel kind of guilty – because I could PROBABLY correct the situation (and by probably I mean I totally could) but I don’t want to – and then I feel guilty because I don’t want to – like I’m a bad person for not wanting to repair things – but then my adviser says I need to learn to stop being so hard on myself and I think – WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE REASONS FOR EVERYTHING I DO AND FEEL??  Can’t I just FEEL a certain way??  Maybe I don’t FEEL like repairing things.

Matty  Matt would say that’s perfectly fine – but my stupid conscience!!!!!  It nags and nags and nags – the thing is – I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!

But I FEEL like I could have handled the situation better because I recognize there has been a misunderstanding and I FEEL like it’s my responsibility to fix things – but then I think …

WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX EVERYTHING?

And then I think “Because I’m the bigger person – or because I’m strong – or because I CAN and if I CAN then I SHOULD…” but then that OTHER side of my conscience kicks in and says – DAISY!!!!!!!  STOP!!!!!!  Stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to be perfectly unselfish and perfectly devoted to always putting yourself LAST.

WHY?? Because in some twisted form of rational logic putting myself last actually does more harm than good – and in that sense I should feel guilty for doing HARM – so it’s A NO WIN SITUATION.  When I put myself and my feelings first – I feel guilty for being “selfish” and when I put myself last I feel guilty and resentful.  Guilty because I know that ultimately putting myself last means I’m lowering my worth and making myself less worthwhile to society as a whole – and resentful because for 27 years I’ve tried to be everything that I SHOULD be – and being everything one SHOULD be is quite impossible.  And I’m tired.

That’s right.  I’m tired.  Very very tired of it all.

First I had an assignment due – a big one.  That was due 2 weeks ago.  I still haven’t handed it in.  Things haven’t been going as smoothly as hoped.

Day 20, 21 & 22- when I was still optimistic about my essay

Day 23 and 24 – Remember how I decided no more kissing North Sydney because HE IS A COMMITMENTPHOBE who FREAKS OUT every time HE kisses me!?!?  Yeah – that didn’t last long.  And then I went to my international adviser and she told me that she struggling to try and work with me because I’m smarter than her and my life is very complicated.  Gee – that’s encouraging. (insert glare.)

Day 25 and 26 -  I think it was about THIS point in my life when I discovered North Sydney didn’t remember ANYTHING about our meeting, his “stalk you later” phone calls and our very brief romance a year ago.  I very bluntly called this to his attention. :)  He tried to kiss and make up – I rolled my eyes and laughed.  Then I tried to do my essay and fell asleep over and over again.  Oh and I discovered I can tell the difference between fresh and not-as-fresh M&Ms. oh yes.

Day 27 – I went and met with the adviser again and this time she was more encouraging.  We determined that I’m having issues with essay writing because of my first semester as a graduate student when I had a super nasty teacher who used her dislike of my nationality to influence the marks she gave me.  As a straight 95% and above student my whole life – I lost all confidence in my ability to be a student after I received her grades and this lack of confidence is a detriment to my current studies.  :(  We agreed that discrimination and racism are out of my control and I need to try and move forward.  I decided to study in the park under the bright and beautiful sun.

Day 28 -  I actually went to class – instead of staying home sick like I did the rest of the week.  Class was REALLY good – I’m in the process of animating a girl on a swing set.  It’s a lot of fun and I can do it for hours and hours without getting bored.  A BIG relief from essay writing.

Day 29 and 30 – I’ve had insomnia like no other the past couple of weeks.  “Bones” the television series has become my nightly insomnia treatment.  It also makes for great dreams.  I’ve never been a better crime fighter/super hero/pretend anthropologist in my life. :) lol.

Day 31 – One month down – 12 more to go.

It means “I love you” in sign language.  I might have accidentally kind of said something that would indicate the possibility that I COULD be in love with North Sydney.  I didn’t mean to!!  It slipped out!!!

He said- “You need to have kids.  You will be a great mom.”  (a nice compliment bcuz he has a child.)

I said – “Yeah but finding the right guy is going to be next to impossible.  I think I’ll just settle with my dogs – they’re like my kids.”

He laughed and said, “You’re getting close.  If you mix CC+4 with -3 you’d almost get the perfect man for you.”

I said, “Yeah but I’m never going to meet someone who is perfect and there isn’t going to be a guy out there who is a cross between all the good of CC+4 and all the good of -3.”

He said, “You never know…”

I said, “What I really need is just to find the American version of you – then I’d be set.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID THAT!!!

I told my flatmate that I couldn’t believe I let that one slip out!!!  North Sydney gets scared off every time he kisses me – and then I tell him he’s like the perfect guy for me??  My flatmate said, “Yeah but do you feel that way?”  I said – “Yes.”  And my flatmate said, “Well then you told the truth.  You shouldn’t be worried about it.”

He’s right.  I told the truth.  And fortunately for me – North Sydney DIDN’T freak out – he just took it as a compliment – and things are the same as always.  :)

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?? *big smiley face*

It means I’m going to give you a debriefing on CC+4, #3 and that new Jordin Spark’s craptastic song that I downloaded because well – LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD – oh and I’m also going to explain why I am at war.

THAT’S RIGHT!  I’m AT WAR!!! … or at least my heart is …

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD

The song says “Don’t try to explain your mind I know what’s happening here.  One minute it’s love and suddenly it’s like the battlefield.  … I never meant to start a war.”

I’m trying to decide how to make this long story short – ah ha!  OUTLINE!!!

1. #3 calls and quizzes me on my “sportiness”
2. I wonder why the BLEEP he’s telling me he wants to get me into the gym
3. #3 confesses he thinks I’m wonderful
4. I say, “Yeah except you think I’m fat.”
5. #3 FREAKS OUT!!  He just wanted to spend quality time with me
6. I think “oopsie!”
7. #3 decides we don’t understand each other and wants to get to know the “real me”
8. #3 tries to upset me
9. I get upset
10. #3 drops the L bomb

#3 DROPS THE L BOMB!!!!!!

And then I say, “What?  No I don’t think so.  You can’t drop that on me right now while you’re PURPOSEFULLY TRYING TO MAKE ME UPSET!!”

He blah blah blahs some more and his phone dies.  And I’m left bewildered.

And then I went boating and well – see for yourself.  Me w/CC+4.

A picture speaks a thousand words.  And this pic in color – well – it speaks volumes.  Volumes and volumes.  It’s a great picture but I can’t go down this road again.  It hurt too much last time. He crushed me when suddenly stopped logging onto skype, stopped responding to emails – he deserted me.  And yet the feelings were instantly rekindled when I got home … but I don’t work that way.

I CAN’T TURN MY HEART OFF AND ON LIKE THAT!!!  And seeing him again … I can’t … I can’t.  I’m slipping – I have feelings for him.  But …

I can’t.  I really really can’t.  My heart can’t take it.  Not now – not when I’m supposed to leave in a week.  Not when #3 is dropping the L bomb on me.  Not when – well – not now.

My life is in Syndey now right?  I live there.  It’s where I’m supposed to be.

right ?

And I REALLY like #3.

So CC+4 – well … maybe I need to let him go.  Figuratively of course.  I need to tell my heart to let him go.  I need to focus on what’s REAL. And although my feelings for him are most definitely real – CC+4 has not done anything to lead me to believe he has any intentions for long term.  And if I can fully let him go – my heart will have no strings holding it back from #3.

I guess that settles things.  I have feelings for #3.  I have feelings for CC+4.  #3 has feelings for me.  CC+4 – ??  #3 wants a relationship.  CC+4 and I live 8,000 miles apart.  And now I just have to convince myself that spending time with CC+4 will do nothing but make the break in my heart more painful when I leave.  It’s time to let go.

But … if that’s the case – why does my heart feel this way??

Since you obviously refuse to go to sleep on time (this is a bad habit btw) let’s recap the weekend.  What did you do?  Oh wait – don’t tell me.  I remember now.  You went with #3 to a business/dinner party and then went on a little getaway to Palm Beach (in Sydney.)  How was that?

actually – never mind.  Let’s not focus on the negative.  Let’s focus on the positive.  YAY!!!  You didn’t murder anyone this weekend.  Hooray for you!!

I’m very proud of you for not killing #3.  Very impressive.  When he told you that he thought you were making stuff up about the latest article you read just because HE didn’t happen to see it himself – I know you were furious.  But good on you for holding your tongue until AFTER you left the party.

And let’s be real.  When he introduced you half the time as “Daisy” and the other half by an incorrect pronunciation of your Christian name.  You DID want to strangle him.  But you didn’t.  And that’s pretty freakin’ sweet.

It was also darn impressive that you didn’t roll your eyes in frustration every time you had to explain to very confused strangers that he calls you by two COMPLETELY different names (ONE OF WHICH HE WASN’T EVEN PRONOUNCING RIGHT!!!!!!!)

[deep breath]

And now, let us please not forget the most impressive feat of the entire weekend. When you didn’t stab him with your fork for suggesting that your opinion on the latest book you’re reading was googled and that you didn’t REALLY read the book.  That took some crazy will power and I’m still impressed by you.

OMGOSH!  I can’t even believe it.  I ALMOST FORGOT that you showed one more admirable restraint. 

Thank you for not sending yourself to jail when:

• A – he said that even though you’ve never mentioned ANYTHING about his drinking he believes that your abstinence from alcohol is a judgment against him.  (WWHHHAAAATTT????)
• B – he said that because he can feel this [deep breath Daisy this is about to upset you again] that he can FEEL this JUDGMENT that you never gave and that he is projecting onto you that he now has the right to fuss and complain over any food that you like which is fattening.  (WWHHHHAAATTTT?????)
  
• C – while complaining about the fact that you like french fries, he suggested that you will be a porker when you grow up and that he’s concerned you will blow out.   WTefF?
  
• D – he said that breakfast burritos are gross even though he has NO IDEA WHAT THE FLIP ONE IS and said that it’s DISGUSTING THAT I WOULD EAT A BREAKFAST BURRITO and that it just goes to show that AMERICANS ARE FAT (even though Aussies are statistically fatter) and that YES I WILL blow out.

Yes dearest Daisy – you are now officially AMAZING.  Because if you could make it through a getaway with #3 after he said all of THAT you must have some SERIOUS mojo/conflict resolution/forgiveness skillz.  HAHA but we both know you didn’t REALLY forgive #3 because when you tried to TELL HIM THAT HE HURT YOUR FEELINGS he MOTHER TRUCKING DISMISSED WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY AND CHANGED THE SUBJECT!!!!! So actually let’s change this …

YOU ARE ONE AMAZING ACTRESS!!!!

And I fully condone operation spite #3 for being a total DB.  What a stupid jerk.

WHO THE FLIP TELLS A GIRL WITH A HISTORY OF diagnosed EATING DISORDERS that HE THINKS SHE’S GOING TO pork out BECAUSE SHE LIKES french fries AND breakfast burritos????

[deep breath - ANOTHER deep breath]

Try and relax – you need your beauty sleep.

xoxo ~Moi

Look the guy blew my mind with his wit and sarcasm the first night I met him and that same night after hours of conversation he ended the night with a peck – and only a peck – on my lips and walked away.  I was surprised yet happy about it – though BEWILDERED because the dumbdumb guy didn’t ask for my digits.  What?  Yeah he didn’t.

Well time went on and I ran into him again.  He confessed his dumbdumbness regret about the digits and then whisked me off my feet.  Pretty literally.  AANND he took no time at all to turn the peck from the time before into a little badaboom vroom vroom and we totally pashed.  [wait - no reprimands yet please.]

THEN we saw each other a few times and he pulled a DTR on me.  WHAT?  A DTR is a “Define the Relationship” talk where you decide if the badaboom really has enough vroom vroom to go anywhere. I was FURIOUS.  I had prevented and managed to escape any and all forms of DTRs for the past 2 years.  And then what – I go on like 2 or 3 dates with this dude and he’s asking me where it’s going?  Umm – No thank you please.  Go away.

So I told him I didn’t see it going anywhere and he was like, “That’s good because I was worried you may be looking for something and I really want to take this slow” and then he slowly faded from my daily life.  Hmm … surprise surprise right?  Who wouldn’t slowly disappear after what I said?  (let’s NOT mention how I also pushed away CC-450 by telling him I was dating tons of people right now even though I WAS dating significantly less because I really really liked CC-450 even though he APPARENTLY didn’t like me and ok? thanks! xo)

I’ve got issues!  I know!

So blah blah blah – I met up with this “wow” when I got back from holiday and he was so NOT wow.  In fact he was a total DB.  To the EXTREME.  And then FM forbade me from seeing him again.  Until finally TODAY I decided it’s been long enough and I could see him again.  But I strictly or not so strictly decided I was going to just be his FRIEND - a NO KISSING friend (we were always JUST friends anyway – whatever.)

Well I was doing well when I saw him.  He went in for the customary kiss on the cheek greeting but wait – hold up – he wasn’t going for my cheek – umm … what do I do?  umm … pause – awkwardness – dart left, dart right – darn darn – why did he just move when I went for his cheek?

UGH!  Look I TRIED to go for his cheek.  I did.  I promise.  But he was NOT going to let that happen.  So I got a smooch.  Which is WHATEVER because I KNOW he does that with his other friends – wait what?  Yeah – he’s like a kiss slut and NO that doesn’t mean he and I are destined to be together.

So then we had a lovely dinner.  We had a lovely chat after dinner and before we knew it we had talked for HOURS.  And then he drove me home (but in the American way which means we got into his car and drove to my house and not in the AUSSIE way which means something very different.)  At my house I said goodbye and went in for a kiss on the cheek again – because I’m strong like that and THAT was when he smooched me AGAIN! And THEN I pulled away and he stayed there.  And stayed there.  And stayed there.  And I was like, “Umm …”

Ok just kidding it was more like I went in for the cheek and didn’t feel bad at ALL when he went for the lips and then I pulled away but noticed he stayed so I went back.  hee hee.  I’m bad I know.

BUT GET THIS!  That’s it.  Yeah.  I know!

And then he asked me to come do some work for him on the side next week. Umm … ???      ????

Well alrighty then – that’s fan-flippin-tastic. We’ve gone from friends to friends who pash to friends who don’t talk to friends who smooch to business??  Wait – but that’s not what I had in the cards!!!  OOOH!  I got PLAYED!

Yes-sir-ee-bob I was played.

And I liked it.

That should kill two birds with one stone METAPHORICALLY that is – I’m not really into the whole throwing rocks at cute little creatures that better NEVER EVER ever EVER touch me because they’re cute to THINK about but WAAAY too scary to touch. 

Yeah – that’s about right.  Metaphorically I think all of my problems are solved.  (is it still opposite day?)

[audio:http://www.therealkylestewart.com/biscuits/jan08/Breathe_Me.mp3|autostart=yes]

If you want to increase your odds of success when hitting on me DO NOT:

• spill your drink on me.
• step in front of my male friends who are talking to me because you think they are a threat.  I am not your prey you stupid pig.  [insert fake but sweet smile]
• repeat yourself over and over and over and over and over again.
• have wandering hands after I have REPEATEDLY TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF YOU STUPID SWEARWORD!
• talk to me after you’ve drank so much that you’re an idiot (giving you the VERY GRACIOUS benefit of the doubt that you MAY have not already been an idiot before the drinks.)
• mention, suggest or use the words -fate, destiny, kismet, karma, fortune- or anything that even resembles any of those words when speaking about our recent introduction.
• tell me you’d like to apologize for your outrageous behavior and then try to kiss me.
• blame your unacceptable behavior on the alcohol.  I met a nice hottie last weekend who had been drinking but was still respectful.
• continue to attempt to kiss me even though I asked you to please stop trying to kiss me.
• grab my arms and forcefully prevent me from walking away.
• forcefully kiss me.
• And last but not least – don’t be a mother effin’ jack@$#!!!!

I know I lived in a little bubble back home.  And I understand that my old school traditional upbringing has left me a little naive and ill suited for the REAL world.  I probably should have seen all of the above coming tonight – but I didn’t. And yes it all happened.  And yes it made me upset.

I broke down and saw an international student counselor at school 2 weeks ago.  Things haven’t felt right for awhile and I wanted suggestions to deal with the stress.  Want to know what she said to me?  “I don’t normally advise this.  But in your case, maybe going home wouldn’t be such a bad idea.  It’s worth considering.”

I didn’t want to hear that.

So we’ll pretend she didn’t say it- at least for now.  Instead let’s focus on the fun part of my day – here are a couple pics from my first experience at the races.

Me and my FM – yay!!  He’s a blast.

This is a new friend from school – she’s an absolute doll!