Here’s the timeline of trouble:

• It started with an ocean adventure last May. I got sea sick, went below deck to vomit and discovered a toilet full to the brim of you don’t even want to know what.  Gag me!  Oh wait – I was about to throw up anyway!  My friend graciously handed me a bucket – yes a bucket – so that I could throw up in that – so exciting.  But that’s not the best part!!!  We hit a pretty big swell and I was THROWN to the side of the bathroom – did you remember the toilet was full?
• Not a month later I found myself LOCKED in a public bathroom stall in a deserted bathroom.  I literally POLICE KICKED THE DOOR to no avail. I was trapped.  Trapped in a PUBLIC, DESERTED BATHROOM STALL.
• Next there was the moth.  The horrible HUGE BLACK KILLER MOTH.   I was terrified to use the bathroom at work for days.  And then when I snuck to another floor to use their bathroom I found myself in a men’s bathroom.  AGH!
• And let’s not forget the time I discovered a black spider crawling up my bare thigh in my bathroom, or the time I was about to get in the shower (translation: I wasn’t wearing any clothes) and had to stand on top of the toilet to kill a poisonous spider, but slipped, fell and dropped the last and only roll of toilet paper (my weapon of choice) into the running shower.
• In addition, it would be remiss of me to leave out the time when I was “stuck with my pants down tinkling on the toilet when a cockroach so large it should really be displayed in a museum came within inches of my toes.”  Oh yes.
• So it’s time to confront the demon.  The bathroom demon.  About 2 weeks ago I walked out of a public bathroom and someone stopped me to tell me I had toilet paper stuck to my stiletto. HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is terrible right?  It gets worse – much worse.
• Yesterday there was a lizard in my bathroom.  THERE WAS A LIZARD IN MY BATHROOM!!!! I’ll admit it was small – but that kind of made it worse!!!  Especially because it didn’t look like a normal lizard.  This lizard was JET BLACK and SLIMY.  It looked like a worm with legs.  I hate worms.  And my clairvoyance told me it wanted to burrow under my skin.

So – Mr. Bathroom Demon (who my flatmate says is named Helga … say what?) ok so Ms. Bathroom Demon – I admit you exist.  And now that I’ve acknowledged my demon I’m pretty sure fireworks are supposed to fly from the sky and whisk my demon away.

Hmm …

Nothing’s happened yet. Self-help section here I come!

Or the other people who THINK they can answer every question correctly and then fight about what really is the right answer.  As if it’s sooooo important to know the name of which cricket star in 1938 and a half led his team to a 40 trillion billion to stupid zero victory but then lost the title of “I’m so superduper cool” because he was involved in a secret scandal that wasn’t discovered til (name that year) with the wife of (name that guy who got cheated on by his wife) in the country of (who the flip even cares?)

No – I think I only hate trivia because I never know the right answer.

The part about which lake that I’ve never heard of in which country that I’ve never heard of that was discovered by some weirdo that I’ve never heard of in a year that was so long ago that I don’t really care – I don’t really hate that part.  Nope – that part’s ok.

But I do really wish they’d ask more questions about cockroaches. I’d get ALL of those right.

Did you know that there is actually a species of cockroach that people keep as pets?  WHAT?  It’s called the Giant Burrowing Cockroach.

The Giant Burrowing Cockroach

And people keep these as pets.  And I will now keep the memory of the name “Giant Burrowing Cockroach” in my memory until the end of my days and have nightmares about this special burrowing GIANT cockroach that is probably harmless but because it has the name GIANT BURROWING COCKROACH I will imagine that this cockroach is going to burrow into my brain!!!  Whew that was a run-on and totally didn’t make 100% sense.

But if only I’d get a question about THAT – then maybe I wouldn’t hate trivia so much.

I decided that Lily Chocolate Cupcake should share her food.

BAD IDEA!

OMGOSH!  Seriously.  You’d think I had just taken her first born child.   She hissed at Wallace Wilbur Wallaby and then she glared at me.  Wallace ran away (as he should have – I wouldn’t mess with an angry kitty either!) and then Lily Chocolate Cupcake refused to let me pet her.

BRAT!

Then I realized it was somewhat pathetic to be sucking up to my adopted cat and after spending more time than I wanted to, trying to make things better, I decided to give up for the day.  OF COURSE that’s when Lily changed her mind and wanted attention.

Typical girl.

What a brat.

COCKROACH TRIVIA!!  YAY!!

Did you know that a cockroach can survive decapitation?

Yes it’s true!  A cockroach body can live for over a week without it’s head.

A COCKROACH CAN LIVE FOR OVER A WEEK WITHOUT IT’S HEAD!

Insane.

SUPA CENTA

plastered on the side of the building I did a double take.  Supa what?

Is that a joke?  Or maybe “supa centa” happens to be another language?  Because it surely couldn’t mean SupER CentER could it?  Oh yes.  Oh yes it could do.

Wait … could do what?  That doesn’t make sense.  It could do?  Oh right.  Yep yep.  It could do.  Supa Centa could mean SupER CentER. And it was plastered all over the building and parking lots.  It could do.

AGH!!!! I’m going crazy!!!

Please, please put a little more Purel Hand Sanitizer on the humongous scrape on my collarbone.  It didn’t kill me last time …  And maybe if we’re lucky my eyes will well up with tears again from the 11 point sting on the pain scale of 1 to 10.  I just LUV putting straight rubbing alcohol on open wounds.  It doesn’t hurt AT ALL.  Nope.  Not at all.

But it may do.

Right.  The Please kill me NOW searing pain from the This will only hurt a LITTLE alcohol dab on an open wound may at least distract me from the miserable grammar headache that is POUNDING in my uptight brain.   Who in the world names their mall the “Supa Centa?”  Who does that?  An “Oz”zie apparently.

And may do?  Could do?

NO NO NO NO NO NO!

Did you know the Australian Cockroach (or Periplaneta australasiae) has wings?  Oh yes it do.  Not may do.  Not could do.  No.  It DO!!!

[deep sigh, shake my head, and self talk, "It's ok Daisy.  It's only grammar.  And yes Supa Centa is spelled with "a"s insted of "er"s so you have to pronounce it like an Australian ...  And ok maybe you hear a lot of Australians answer your questions with "may do" and "could do" ... "  deep breath, "But hey - not ALL Australians have bad grammar (in fact most are great) and at least their cockroaches have wings..."]

So there I was … La-di-da … in the bathroom, tinkling (lol – what a great word.)  When whadayaknow – a COCKROACH THE SIZE OF ANTARCTICA crawls within INCHES OF MY TOES!  I scream.  Not a baby scream but a full blown scream with the addition of “[insert swear word] that’s a [insert swear word] big cockroach.” And then I pull my legs up so that I’m balanced on the toilet seat.

For the record, I try not to swear but when I’m stuck with my pants down tinkling on the toilet and a cockroach so large it should really be displayed in a museum comes within inches of my toes – well …it’s hard to maintain my general level of etiquette.

Am I exaggerating?  Let’s be literal.  Take your thumbs and place them together.  Look at the width and length of your two thumbs together.  That’s the literal size of the cockroach.  Have you imagined that yet?? because if you have you may understand why I say that thing was the size of Antarctica!!!  Now imagine that cockroach, that is literally the size of both of your thumbs put together, just caught you tinkling, with your pants down and no where to go.

I was in absolute terror.  Seriously – what was I supposed to do?

So I stayed there precariously balanced on the toilet and attempted to herd it under the sink with the toilet brush – cringing in horror and disgust as it scuttled along.  Amazingly, I jumped from the toilet into the shower and was able to get dressed AND wash my hands without ever having to touch the floor.  The demon stayed under the sink and I DASHED to the kitchen for the bug spray.  After putting down a 6 inch barrier of poison on the floor it was time for me to call it good.

I put the bug spray away and screamed again (though just a baby scream this time) when not more than seconds later I found the demon dying just outside the bathroom.  It had crossed the line of poison already.  I should have felt guilty at its death but it was headed in the direction of my bedroom and yeah …

My life gets better every second.

Ok so seriously – If you understood EXACTLY HOW I FEEL you would understand WHY I am FRUSTRATED!!! Not why I shouldn’t be.

Did YOU leave behind a family and BFFs that you absolutely adore and were very close to?  Did YOU leave behind a good job, a full kitchen, a busy life, a full social calendar, a car, a piano, all of your hobbies, a great wardrobe, two nieces, a nephew and two puppies who you love more than you ever thought it was possible to love?  Did YOU move to a foreign country with spiders and cockroaches the size of hamsters and get stuck in an educational program that is GARBAGE, taught be teachers who aren’t super qualified, and you are going in debt to do it?

I know it was my choice to come.  It’s my choice to be here. BUT I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO!!! And it doesn’t and shouldn’t discredit what I left behind or my feelings of loss. AND right now it doesn’t really make me feel better about the spiders, snakes, cockroaches, flying things, bats, weather, Aussie sunblock (which doesn’t really work and only goes up to spf 30) or living in a house whose kitchen doesn’t have the basic amenities and conveniences to which I’ve grown accustomed.  It also doesn’t make me feel better about taking public transportation or living in a shoebox.  And it definitely doesn’t make me feel better about the grocery stores, meat, food, vegetables, fruits, clothes etc. that are sub-par compared to America.

I’ll get over it.  I’ll adjust and be fine  – but sometimes it’s hard to keep a positive attitude.