Category Archives: Cockroaches will one day take over the world

There IS a Bathroom Demon – and he’s out to get me

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There comes a time in our lives when we have to confront our demons.  My time is now.  Ordinarily I would do tons and tons of research – wait – scratch that – normally I would procrastinate doing the research until FINALLY I decided I couldn’t procrastinate any longer and then I would do enough research to make sure that the decision or action would also need to be procrastinated … but unfortunately I don’t have time to read all of the latest self-help books this time and I’m fairly certain that a 12-step program is out of the question.

Here’s the timeline of trouble:

  • It started with an ocean adventure last May. I got sea sick, went below deck to vomit and discovered a toilet full to the brim of you don’t even want to know what.  Gag me!  Oh wait – I was about to throw up anyway!  My friend graciously handed me a bucket – yes a bucket – so that I could throw up in that – so exciting.  But that’s not the best part!!!  We hit a pretty big swell and I was THROWN to the side of the bathroom – did you remember the toilet was full?
  • Not a month later I found myself LOCKED in a public bathroom stall in a deserted bathroom.  I literally POLICE KICKED THE DOOR to no avail. I was trapped.  Trapped in a PUBLIC, DESERTED BATHROOM STALL.
  • Next there was the moth.  The horrible HUGE BLACK KILLER MOTH.   I was terrified to use the bathroom at work for days.  And then when I snuck to another floor to use their bathroom I found myself in a men’s bathroom.  AGH!
  • And let’s not forget the time I discovered a black spider crawling up my bare thigh in my bathroom, or the time I was about to get in the shower (translation: I wasn’t wearing any clothes) and had to stand on top of the toilet to kill a poisonous spider, but slipped, fell and dropped the last and only roll of toilet paper (my weapon of choice) into the running shower.
  • In addition, it would be remiss of me to leave out the time when I was “stuck with my pants down tinkling on the toilet when a cockroach so large it should really be displayed in a museum came within inches of my toes.”  Oh yes.
  • So it’s time to confront the demon.  The bathroom demon.  About 2 weeks ago I walked out of a public bathroom and someone stopped me to tell me I had toilet paper stuck to my stiletto. HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is terrible right?  It gets worse – much worse.
  • Yesterday there was a lizard in my bathroom.  THERE WAS A LIZARD IN MY BATHROOM!!!! I’ll admit it was small – but that kind of made it worse!!!  Especially because it didn’t look like a normal lizard.  This lizard was JET BLACK and SLIMY.  It looked like a worm with legs.  I hate worms.  And my clairvoyance told me it wanted to burrow under my skin.

So – Mr. Bathroom Demon (who my flatmate says is named Helga … say what?) ok so Ms. Bathroom Demon – I admit you exist.  And now that I’ve acknowledged my demon I’m pretty sure fireworks are supposed to fly from the sky and whisk my demon away.

Hmm …

Nothing’s happened yet. Self-help section here I come!

My adopted cat is mad at me

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Today when Lily Chocolate Cupcake (see pics here) visited me I noticed a NEW kitty in the yard.  He was crouched under some weird-o looking plant.  I liked him.  If fact, I’ve already named him Wallace Wilbur Wallaby.  What a perfect name.  He’s fat and looks old, wise, and calm.

I decided that Lily Chocolate Cupcake should share her food.

BAD IDEA!

OMGOSH!  Seriously.  You’d think I had just taken her first born child.   She hissed at Wallace Wilbur Wallaby and then she glared at me.  Wallace ran away (as he should have – I wouldn’t mess with an angry kitty either!) and then Lily Chocolate Cupcake refused to let me pet her.

BRAT!

Then I realized it was somewhat pathetic to be sucking up to my adopted cat and after spending more time than I wanted to, trying to make things better, I decided to give up for the day.  OF COURSE that’s when Lily changed her mind and wanted attention.

Typical girl.

What a brat.

COCKROACH TRIVIA!!  YAY!!

Did you know that a cockroach can survive decapitation?

Yes it’s true!  A cockroach body can live for over a week without it’s head.

A COCKROACH CAN LIVE FOR OVER A WEEK WITHOUT IT’S HEAD!

Insane.

Bathroom Horror Strikes Again

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First off – I can’t be bothered making this post butterflies and rainbows.  It’s really late at night and guess what?  You’re going to hear it like it is – are you excited?  )

So there I was … La-di-da … in the bathroom, tinkling (lol – what a great word.)  When whadayaknow – a COCKROACH THE SIZE OF ANTARCTICA crawls within INCHES OF MY TOES!  I scream.  Not a baby scream but a full blown scream with the addition of “[insert swear word] that’s a [insert swear word] big cockroach.” And then I pull my legs up so that I’m balanced on the toilet seat.

For the record, I try not to swear but when I’m stuck with my pants down tinkling on the toilet and a cockroach so large it should really be displayed in a museum comes within inches of my toes – well …it’s hard to maintain my general level of etiquette.

Am I exaggerating?  Let’s be literal.  Take your thumbs and place them together.  Look at the width and length of your two thumbs together.  That’s the literal size of the cockroach.  Have you imagined that yet?? because if you have you may understand why I say that thing was the size of Antarctica!!!  Now imagine that cockroach, that is literally the size of both of your thumbs put together, just caught you tinkling, with your pants down and no where to go.

I was in absolute terror.  Seriously – what was I supposed to do?

So I stayed there precariously balanced on the toilet and attempted to herd it under the sink with the toilet brush – cringing in horror and disgust as it scuttled along.  Amazingly, I jumped from the toilet into the shower and was able to get dressed AND wash my hands without ever having to touch the floor.  The demon stayed under the sink and I DASHED to the kitchen for the bug spray.  After putting down a 6 inch barrier of poison on the floor it was time for me to call it good.

I put the bug spray away and screamed again (though just a baby scream this time) when not more than seconds later I found the demon dying just outside the bathroom.  It had crossed the line of poison already.  I should have felt guilty at its death but it was headed in the direction of my bedroom and yeah …

My life gets better every second.