There comes a time in our lives when we have to confront our demons. My time is now. Ordinarily I would do tons and tons of research – wait – scratch that – normally I would procrastinate doing the research until FINALLY I decided I couldn’t procrastinate any longer and then I would do enough research to make sure that the decision or action would also need to be procrastinated … but unfortunately I don’t have time to read all of the latest self-help books this time and I’m fairly certain that a 12-step program is out of the question.
Here’s the timeline of trouble:
- It started with an ocean adventure last May. I got sea sick, went below deck to vomit and discovered a toilet full to the brim of you don’t even want to know what. Gag me! Oh wait – I was about to throw up anyway! My friend graciously handed me a bucket – yes a bucket – so that I could throw up in that – so exciting. But that’s not the best part!!! We hit a pretty big swell and I was THROWN to the side of the bathroom – did you remember the toilet was full?
- Not a month later I found myself LOCKED in a public bathroom stall in a deserted bathroom. I literally POLICE KICKED THE DOOR to no avail. I was trapped. Trapped in a PUBLIC, DESERTED BATHROOM STALL.
- Next there was the moth. The horrible HUGE BLACK KILLER MOTH. I was terrified to use the bathroom at work for days. And then when I snuck to another floor to use their bathroom I found myself in a men’s bathroom. AGH!
- And let’s not forget the time I discovered a black spider crawling up my bare thigh in my bathroom, or the time I was about to get in the shower (translation: I wasn’t wearing any clothes) and had to stand on top of the toilet to kill a poisonous spider, but slipped, fell and dropped the last and only roll of toilet paper (my weapon of choice) into the running shower.
- In addition, it would be remiss of me to leave out the time when I was “stuck with my pants down tinkling on the toilet when a cockroach so large it should really be displayed in a museum came within inches of my toes.” Oh yes.
- So it’s time to confront the demon. The bathroom demon. About 2 weeks ago I walked out of a public bathroom and someone stopped me to tell me I had toilet paper stuck to my stiletto. HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is terrible right? It gets worse – much worse.
- Yesterday there was a lizard in my bathroom. THERE WAS A LIZARD IN MY BATHROOM!!!! I’ll admit it was small – but that kind of made it worse!!! Especially because it didn’t look like a normal lizard. This lizard was JET BLACK and SLIMY. It looked like a worm with legs. I hate worms. And my clairvoyance told me it wanted to burrow under my skin.
So – Mr. Bathroom Demon (who my flatmate says is named Helga … say what?) ok so Ms. Bathroom Demon – I admit you exist. And now that I’ve acknowledged my demon I’m pretty sure fireworks are supposed to fly from the sky and whisk my demon away.
Hmm …
Nothing’s happened yet. Self-help section here I come!