I’m an introvert – maybe that makes me boring +pics

Posted on July 20, 2009 by Daisy

Want to know a secret? I am an introvert. Believe it or not – it’s the truth.

Sometimes I feel guilty about this – sometimes I even feel like I SHOULD feel embarrassed or ashamed. Lots of times I would rather hang out with my dogs than go and be “social.” Some people would judge this as anti-social and problematic. I think what people forget is that being introverted doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being social. It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy parties, meeting new people, telling jokes, or being outgoing – it just means at the end of the day I don’t feel “whole” without a little – well – quiet time.

It’s difficult to be an introvert in an extroverted world. People often give me a hard time for not going to parties or for turning down dates. They look at me like I’m a weirdo when I tell them I declined an offer to do this or that and played frisbee with my dogs instead.

It’s just that in the grand scheme of things I look at it this way. Will I remember the party I went to this weekend in 10 years? Probably not.

Will I remember making a music video with my nieces and nephew? The family doggy birthday party I threw for Duchess and Chloe (they turned 4 btw) ? How about the afternoon with my nephew when he taught me all about water balloons?

Yes. Yes I think I will.

Does this mean there is something wrong with me? Maybe. But I’m ok with that.

WHY AM I BRINGING THIS UP??? Because people give me a hard time about it. They insinuate that I’m not living my life to the fullest. But seriously – I’m on VACATION I don’t want to date when I COULD be spending quality time with my peeps (family and dogs.)

It’s funny how differently people define fun. Or maybe it’s just funny how I personally define fun. But for me? Fun is hearing my 4 year old niece tell me she loves me, having my 10 year old niece confide her feelings in me, having my 11 year old nephew send me text messages, cuddling with my dogs, and sitting outside on the patio chatting with my family.

Am I boring? I guess so.

But … am I happy?

Certainly.

HOW DO YOU DEFINE FUN?? “Fun is …”

Facades, authenticity, presentation and you – or me

Posted on May 5, 2009 by Daisy

If you have been following this blog and have been reading between the lines it will come as no surprise to you that I suck at life right now. Yes I put a smiley face there. Why? Because there’s no point frowning about it is there? Plus it’s a bit amusing to think about the fact that someone could “suck at life” – I realize the inherent EVERYTHING in that statement mmm kay? But I chose to use the statement anyway. Because I do suck at life right now – but my presentation is still up to par.

It occurred to me that the only people who would know I suck at life right now are people who caught the few confessional blogs recently or the few friends I’ve let in on it. Other than that and well – my international student adviser and my teachers at school (who OMGOSH- AGH!!!) – no one would have any clue.

Someone questioned my authenticity because I appear to have everything under control when I FEEL as if nothing is under control. This really bothered me. Does it make me less authentic because I choose not to tell everyone I meet that my sky is falling? Does it make me less authentic if I maintain a certain level of vanity when my inner life is scattered and chaotic? Why do I have to LOOK like a disaster just because my life is one? And why the H.E.DOUBLE do I need to act like a disaster if I have personal troubles? I don’t!!!

Life is what you make it. I can control SOME things. Other things are outside of my control. The things I CAN control – I do. Why does that make me not authentic?

Ok so I maintain appearances. I participate in the normal life activities. I still LAUGH and SMILE and crack jokes and go to parties even though I’ve cried more in this past few months than I have in the past year. THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME FAKE! It just means I’m a fighter and I’m fighting to be happy.

I believe our thoughts follow our actions. And even when my thoughts are less than happy I still try and live a normal, happy, active life. Why is that such a crime?

What do you think? To be authentic do you need to ACT depressed when you FEEL depressed? Is it ok to look good when you’re not feeling well? Does it make you fake to seem happy, in control, and on top of the world when you don’t always feel that way?

I think the next person who questions my authenticity because they ASSUMED my life is perfect and they ASSUMED I’ve had a trial-free past just because I choose to be happy and I LOOK happy – I’m going to tell them to shove it. Just because THEY can’t maintain appearances when their life is going to pieces doesn’t mean that I have to follow suit.

My little upside down world is going to right itself

Posted on April 25, 2009 by Daisy

It’s now the afternoon of a fantastically beautiful day. I’ve showered, am about to get ready for what should be a rowdy night on the town. Yeah – hopefully it will be fun. I had an offer to stay in tonight but there’s something soothing about losing yourself in a crowd. As you slowly work yourself into the center of attention you are no longer the lost little girl whose younger brother disappeared from her life, you are no longer the lost little girl with no older brothers to turn to, you are no longer the lost little girl who feels more and more lonely every day despite your ever growing social circle. And more than all of this? You are no longer the ridiculous little girl who is obsessed with her weight.

The International Student Adviser suggested I go home for the winter break. [insert look of death] I told her I didn’t think I wanted to. I haven’t booked my ticket home. I haven’t put my room up for hire and I haven’t even looked at a calendar to see how many weeks until I COULD go home. I don’t care. Yes that’s right. Daisy – the girl who had a 16 week countdown last semester and couldn’t WAIT to get home now doesn’t care.

The counselor argued “Yeah but what about your family?” Well I talk to my mom or dad every day or every other day but if I go home I have to face the fact that recently my brothers chose to exclude me from their lives – going home HURTS. She counters, “Right but you have such a solid support group there.” Well yeah sure I have friends there but I keep in touch with some of them here. And as far as going to parties – I can do that here or there. She tries again, “But the weather here will be terrible. It will rain almost every day. It’s only for a month or two. Go home and recharge.” haha! Nice try. I don’t mind the rain. In fact, the rain quite suits me as of late.

Then she stabs me in the heart. “But what about your dogs?”

DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN IT! And that’s when I realize I’ve completely lost myself. What is going on? What is my problem? What happened to me? I should be COUNTING DOWN the very days until I can see them again.

My heart received the biggest jolt. My reality shaken.

Suddenly I could HEAR everything she was trying to tell me. Yes, yes. There IS something wrong. Yes – there is a problem. It’s been going on for a year now. And yes, when my brothers walked out of my life it got significantly worse. So YES I will go see your other counselor even though I don’t want to. And YES I will go see that other Dr who is not going to like what I tell him. Yes I will read your stupid packet of information. Yes I will keep a journal of stupid things that I DO NOT WANT TO KEEP TRACK of for you. And finally yes I will see you in a week, and another week, and another week.

And though I slightly resent it, yes I will get better.

And it is at this point that I realize my dogs have once again saved me from myself.

Breathe me – Sia

Posted on April 20, 2009 by Daisy

I don’t have much to say today. This song is a bit how I feel …

[audio:http://www.therealkylestewart.com/biscuits/jan08/Breathe_Me.mp3|autostart=yes]

An unexpected escape and another evil escalator

Posted on April 5, 2009 by Daisy

Have you ever ridden a train/subway early on a Saturday morning? The normal hubbub and noises are gone. It’s quiet. You encounter only a few other riders but they are focused and quietly keep to themselves. No one sees you. It’s too early in the morning still. You are invisible for a moment – just for a moment.

This is how I began my morning. A silent observer to a nearly silent world. A little dose of surreal in my ever hectic life. I enjoyed my moment of tranquility – lost to the world. It was exactly what I needed. A moment of calm. A moment to wonder, free from the stress of life. Who would have thought I’d find it in an underground train station, on a very gray morning?

My ipod was playing a chill mix on random. The perfect music to tune out the world as I waited for the train.

The words, “I wanna be the one that you call when you get down. No matter where you are in the world I’ll be around,” brought me back to the present. To the train. To the horizon rolling past. What? We were about to go back into a tunnel – but … wasn’t I just waiting in the train station?

I was so happy in my thoughts. So content. Until those stupid words interrupted me. [sigh.] I don’t know how it happened. How could I be so oblivious to my surroundings and randomly – or seemingly randomly – be brought back with a few lines? I’m not sure. But I know that although I may not have heard or noticed anything before that song – I heard and saw everything after.

Which was great (on opposite day) because then when I tripped up the escalator THREE times I couldn’t even blame it on daydreaming.

And if you’re wondering how in the world I could have possibly tripped THREE TIMES on ONE ESCALATOR – keep in mind that 1 – I always WALK up the escalators and 2 – a BLOOD-SUCKING escalator once tried to EAT my toe (click here for that story) and ever since they’ve been out to get me. So this morning it went like this. Trip – step – Trip – step – TRIP AGAIN – oh lol for real – I really did trip THREE TIMES IN A ROW. And it must be late at night otherwise I’m sure I wouldn’t be admitting this.

“Fly me away, on an aeroplane. High in the sky. Wanna see you again.” ~Goldfrapp

1, 2, 3… ELEVEN Petals

a petal for every passion, life is just one of them

Category Archives: Personal Reflection