I have changed.  I am changed.

I am also Queen of the Obvious!

But there!  I said it – I got it out of the way.  We can move forward.  :)  haha – ok I’m not like COMPLETELY changed.  My sense of humor is still about the same.  :)  which let’s be real – that is a HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!!!!!

YAY!!!!!

You see, I LOVE to laugh and I think I’m funny.  So the fact that I STILL think I’m funny?!?!!  Wahoo!!   :)  :)

Anyway I’m only mentioning this because I’ve done moderately well at being “adjusted” despite my – umm – well – my life.  I’ve tried to maintain a happy perspective, I’ve worked at being optimistic and I’ve NEVER taken the “why me?” attitude; though I have most certainly wondered about the purpose of life.  But I’ve adjusted; I’ve adapted.   I’m still here and most days I’m still laughing.  :)

Up until recently I didn’t want to really admit… (continue reading on my new blog here.)

Or if you just want to stick with the light stuff …

Let me share with you my new favorite-est-est-est song!!!  I’ve mentioned that my BF and I have a soundtrack of US.  (you should read it the story – it’s cute) And this song makes it on the list.  The lyrics ring true in my heart.  I love J, and I WOULD carry him around even if he were an old school 50lb boombox, and I’d hold him on my shoulder wherever I walked, and turn his volume up  in front of the cops, and crank it higher every time they told me to stop. hee hee ;)  Yes – My heart’s a stereo.

Epinephrine – a hormone triggered during the Fight-or-Flight-Response to a threat.  Adrenaline – another name for Epinephrine.

Elevated heart rate, clear mind, every muscle is ready.  It only takes a few words.

Words.

Part of the beauty of psychology is its revealing nature.  Eventually, the cracks in one’s bullet proof vest are discovered.  Hidden secrets, suppressed trauma can only stay protected for so long – and once a bullet makes it past our shields and armor, its full-on psychological warfare.

A few words and your mind and/or body experience danger.  It’s a trigger.  Your trigger.  You control it as best you can.  You wear your armor. Your walls are thick but sometimes you are caught off guard.  And then you realize you can’t escape your past.

Once a victim, always in fear.

Oh I bet you are just DYING to know.  *wink*  After one week of being “updated” I’ve discovered some VERY interesting things about myself.  AAANNNDDD very interesting things about the way men try and pick-up chics online … I’ve learned which techniques are OVER USED, which seem fresh, which ones are SO DUMB and which ones make me smile.  It’s quite fascinating really!!

So how do I filter?  Which guys make the cut?  How can I possibly make that decision?  It seems so … so … so… MEAN!  And judgmental!!

I mean seriously – what if this dude happens to be perfect but his game is just a little off at the moment?  HAHA!  No.   At the moment, with my time schedule, in order for Mr. Right to actually BE Mr. Right – he’s going to have to be playing up to par.  OR if he’s playing to be a bestie and isn’t interested in anything more – he’s going to have to be funny.  :)  I could use the laughs right now!!  *cheesy smile*

Anyway – please don’t take this blog the wrong way. Part of my therapy/learning is that I am supposed to try and be more discriminating with my time because I so often feel overwhelmed with social engagements or guilty for wanting to be the introvert that I am.  My therapist says it’s OK for me to prefer not to hang out with some people.  And it’s OK if I would prefer to spend more time with A than B.

And so in the world of online dating – this is a GREAT opportunity for me to practice my filtering skills.  For example – today I read an email from a dude whose profile says that he can’t stand femi-nazis or those who are pro-choice.  Ok – I respect he has opinions on the matter.  But “femi-nazis?”  OMGOSH – I’m against Nazis but femi-nazi??  What does that even mean?? Oh so he’s against women who are feminist?  Maybe he’s not secure with his manhood?  I don’t know – I just know that he and I are NOT compatible.

#1 – we’re prolly not compatible if you use inflammatory speech and state that you hate or can’t stand a specific group of people on your profile page.  Unless of course you just can’t stand people who can’t stand other people – cuz I’m with you there!!  I have no tolerance for prejudice.  But if you are intolerant of others’views – not cool.  The world is all shades of grey – if you only see two colors – we’re PROLLY not compatible.

Anyway … funny funny … I wrote back to this guy and flat out told him that I probably hit MOST of his red-flags being that I’m not super conservative, I DO believe in women’s rights and I DON’T have a fascination with guns.  I didn’t NEED to write back – but seriously – I thought it would be better to be blunt that I’m NOT his girl.

Oh heavens.  Heavens heavens heavens.  He wrote back and asked me how I could call myself a Christian.  Hmm … \

Maybe he forgot about the story where Jesus didn’t shun or hate the prostitute??

Right – and HE’S the one who is Christian …

Ok – enough out of me.  :)  I’ll keep you updated on the sweet world of online match-making as time goes on.  HAHAHAHAHA!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PltMz1gQBJM[/youtube]

CRRAAAZZZYYY!  I’ve seen the world glow before.  A bright moonlit night with snow all around makes for a stunning BRIGHT night.  But glowing red, orange and sometimes blood orange?  Today was a first.  Definitely a wow!

Ok so I’ve come to realize that online communities and our identities within online communities are complicated topics!!!  There’s no way we could really have a full blown conversation about it in only 200 words per pop.  But hey – it’s the effort that counts right?  :)  Thanks to the commentors (scoMan, dave, ebonyJewel and MattyMatt) for commenting!!!  It’s always great to hear others’ insight!!

And for those of you who I have no doubt WANTED to comment deep down in your heart (which is everyone else i.e MOM, TIM, ALEXIS, SCOTT and all of my other bloggy friends) thank you ALSO because life is more fun with family and bloggy friends!!!   :)  )  Oh and it’s not too late to throw in your 2 cents because I’ve decided to write my final paper in a different class on this topic.  :)

Down to bizness.

ONLINE COMMUNITIES – You and Me are a CommuniTY – part #5 – wrap up.

(btw anyone notice that I did part NUMBER 5 or part NUMBER 4? LOL I did it just to be silly.  I am fully aware, thank you, that it SHOULD be part 5 or just #5. hee hee)

I’ve decided that I am fascinated by this topic.  100%.  Our world is becoming more and more digital every day.  We move to online communities more and more every day.  Our selves, our identities, and our culture are all being impacted by this change.  And though I suppose our identities, cultures and selves always change, I think it’s important to recognize the significance of online avatars/identities and how this increase in control over image may affect our core definitions.

I took this opportunity to round up some (only 3 because most of them were dumb) quotes on self image.

1“The ”self-image” is the key to human personality and human behavior. Change the self image and you change the personality and the behavior.” 2“Our self image, strongly held, essentially determines what we become”

Maxwell Maltz quotes (US plastic surgeon, motivational author, and creator of the Psycho-Cybernetics, 1927-2003)

3“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”

Chuck Palahniuk quotes (American freelance Journalist, Satirist and Novelist. b.1961)

I suppose one interesting thing about networks and identities is they change with time.  As I meet and become connected with more people, my network grows.  As my connections meet and become connected with more people, my network grows.  As my identity is tried and tested with time, it evolves and takes stronger shape.  I don’t believe we can STOP a network or an identity.  We may take on new layers, new directions and new flavors, but the network around us and our identity (regardless of how many we choose to have) all overlap a bit with each other.  We can’t go backward – only forward.

Ok so if you are at all interested I read a REALLY interesting article called, “Identity, Social Networking and Online Communication” by Guy Merchant.  It raised the questions in MY mind, “how many identities do I have online?”  OHMYWOW! Australiandaisy vs Kerilynn – I’m the same person – or am I?  Well for those of you who know me personally (haha! if you read this blog – you sooooo know me personally) – let me restate.  For those of you who have seen me in person you know that I am not much different from my blogging self.  HOWEVER I have spoken with other bloggers who are VERY different than their online identities.  And this begs the question, (and the article explores) are these alternate identities new identities created by our online communities? or are these new identities just a glimmer at what is beneath our surface, or in other words, has the digital world merely exposed or helped to expose our alternate core identities?

A mind bender which could be argued both ways no doubt!

@thisisScoman from A Name in Your Recollection says his main form of interaction is online.  I can’t imagine that his MAIN form of interaction is just a “hidden” or “false” representation of who he is.  No no – his identity and online involvement help to define his identity and since DIGITAL is his primary form of communication then maybe it’s reality/social engagements that expose his “alternate identities” if he has any that is .

Online or not your identity is your identity.  YOU define it.  And he uses online interaction MORE than physical interaction (though arguably isn’t typing on a computer physical?) and so suggesting that online identities are created and NEW would suggest that his online identity and his daily interactions via his online communities may not be as “real”????  I think not and I agree with his comments on the previous posts.   I think we’ve reached a point in life where our online identities cannot be separated from our core identities.  They are linked and can be one in the same.

AAANNNDDD since I’m generous and because I know you aren’t actually going to read the article that I so kindly ;) researched AND LINKED for you, I’ll give you a brief summary.  The article suggests that we not focus on the argument of NEW identities versus UNSEEN identities and instead look at HOW online communities offer the ability to narrate or create a self identity and how the process of forging that identity outside of the digital world is important.

How has your personal online identity been constructed over time?  I can tell you that mine started out as a mySpace girl (HAHAHAHA!  Yes I totally shook it on stage at the mySpace parties in Utah) and it eventually moved to AustralianDaisy and is now moving into Daisy/Kerilynn.  My mySpace identity was fun and I posted lots of hot pics.  But those pics were for mySpace ONLY!!  My facebook identity was much more reserved and formal.  HAHA!  But it was still ALL ME.  :)

Now I’m just blah blah boring and tend to err on the side of caution rather than risqué.   Aw – how precious – Daisy is maturing!!  :)

Then and now :)

It’s exciting and overwhelming. The options are endless and the possibilities are likely beyond our scope of imagination.

Daunting? yes.

Lucky for us – we can choose HOW we look at the future and we can choose optimism OR pessimism. We have a choice. And we can prepare for the worst while hoping for the best.

And though we may not get to pick the story of our MadLib game – we get to pick adjectives, adverbs, pronouns, and verbs.

“”"(insert name) was so lucky to go to a/an (insert sport) game. He/she was (insert emotion) even though his/her (insert food) dropped and landed right on his/her (insert body part.)”"”

(btw – if you don’t get this MadLib reference/metaphor – you missed a great part of being a kid! :) )

September 14th is a bittersweet day.

A few years ago I always planned on phone calls, birthday dinners and/or birthday FUN around the 14th. Now? Well now my brother isn’t around to celebrate birthdays. So those plans, along with hopes for the future, dreams of having same aged kids and huge family reunions with a genius brother whose style was impeccable and grammar was without reproach are all gone.

But want to know what isn’t gone?? My memories.

That’s right – and barring brain disease or injury – NO ONE can take away my memories. I’ll have them for as long as I live. And this September 14th I relived a few memories. And I’m so grateful that I have GREAT memories on which to reflect.

We don’t know what will happen tomorrow – but if we live TODAY and every day to its full potential then tomorrow – no matter what happens, we’ll always be able to remember yesterday with fondness.

Yes – it’s true – I DID miss out on the family party shown below (pics courtesy of my older brother and father) but labeling it as “what I’m missing” makes it bittersweet.  And quite frankly – though I LOVE dark chocolate, I like my life to be a bit more on the sugary side. :)  So INSTEAD – let me show you what I have to look forward to in about 4.5 months.  :)

This Smile

These Puppies

My precious nieces

Family Fun

Bocce Ball

Giggles and puppy play

Unconditional Love

That’s right – I have a whole lot of GOOD to look forward to – and although I may be missing out on some of it at the moment – it will be waiting for me when I finish here in Australia.

My adviser has been talking to me a lot about refocusing unconscious situational judgments.

I do it ALL of the time.  “Ooh – I missed out on that” instead of “Sweet! I can’t wait for next time!”  Or “Last semester SUCKED!” instead of “Last semester was a good growing experience.” AAANNNDDD I refer to 6 months ago as “when I was fat” when I only weighed 7lbs more than I do now!!  Problems??  I think so.

My adviser ALSO talked to me about learning to FEEL small emotions instead of rationalizing them away.

I’m the queen of logic.  Yes-sir-ee-bob! I sure am!  And guess what??

Emotions aren’t logical!!

So although I tease a lot about “hating” this or being “bugged” by that – I usually rationalize away my feelings and never take the time to ACCEPT that I feel this way.  It’s ok if this sounds confusing – it is.  :)  But the jist of it is that although I use exaggerated negative language to describe situations – I never actually ACKNOWLEDGE my feelings about the situation.  Of course exaggerations aren’t to be taking seriously and I never take my feelings that seriously either.

Anyway – I’m now working on this … and I’m just OVERJOYED about it.  ;)  HAHAHAHAHA!  teasing.

oh and I’m sorry if I haven’t commented for awhile!!  I am still a faithful reader to the people I follow – I just haven’t had time to comment. :)  I will be fixing this!!

Day 39-41

Bleeding Love COVER by Mystery Jets – LOVE IT!!

Noise cancellation headphones.  Lots of bass.  Volume – a lot of volume – the kind that almost makes your ears ring – not the kind girls try to get in their hair. It’s quiet time.  Quiet time with deafening emotional noise.

Admittedly I am going to sleep on the wrong side of the bed tonight.  It’s just one of those days.

“In the brightest hour of my darkest day I realized what is wrong with me …  days come and go but my feelings last forever” ~papa roach

Hmm – I should probably put a little sugar in this post.  Let’s see … my brother taught me how to do tilt-shift effects on photography – I’ll come up with better examples when I’m not crabby/grumpy/tired/ornery (you get the picture) – but this will do for now.

Oh and while I’m throwing stuff out there – North Sydney is  NOW on a space freak kick (so much for things staying the same – oh wait – that’s right – they DID stay the same – he ALWAYS freaks out)…

AAANNNDDD I believe I completely alienated CC+4 – which is actually kind of a funny story about the reality of mis-communication in emails but – not a story for today … and anyway – I feel kind of guilty – because I could PROBABLY correct the situation (and by probably I mean I totally could) but I don’t want to – and then I feel guilty because I don’t want to – like I’m a bad person for not wanting to repair things – but then my adviser says I need to learn to stop being so hard on myself and I think – WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE REASONS FOR EVERYTHING I DO AND FEEL??  Can’t I just FEEL a certain way??  Maybe I don’t FEEL like repairing things.

Matty  Matt would say that’s perfectly fine – but my stupid conscience!!!!!  It nags and nags and nags – the thing is – I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!

But I FEEL like I could have handled the situation better because I recognize there has been a misunderstanding and I FEEL like it’s my responsibility to fix things – but then I think …

WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX EVERYTHING?

And then I think “Because I’m the bigger person – or because I’m strong – or because I CAN and if I CAN then I SHOULD…” but then that OTHER side of my conscience kicks in and says – DAISY!!!!!!!  STOP!!!!!!  Stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to be perfectly unselfish and perfectly devoted to always putting yourself LAST.

WHY?? Because in some twisted form of rational logic putting myself last actually does more harm than good – and in that sense I should feel guilty for doing HARM – so it’s A NO WIN SITUATION.  When I put myself and my feelings first – I feel guilty for being “selfish” and when I put myself last I feel guilty and resentful.  Guilty because I know that ultimately putting myself last means I’m lowering my worth and making myself less worthwhile to society as a whole – and resentful because for 27 years I’ve tried to be everything that I SHOULD be – and being everything one SHOULD be is quite impossible.  And I’m tired.

That’s right.  I’m tired.  Very very tired of it all.

Why is THIS all worth it?  Why??

(You can substitute the word THIS for many, many things – having your heart broken, deciding to get a much-needed divorce, working through your problems with a friend, recovering from an eating disorder, recovering from depression, dealing with hardships of school, life and life’s hardships in general, being nice to people who are mean, working at a crap job, etc – I think most people have a THIS – and what I’m about to say should apply to most of it.)

So seriously – Why is THIS all worth it?  Why are these challenges and heartaches worth it?? Why bother??

The blog I read was searching for meaning in the hardship – a meaning for the end result – a meaning for the acceptance/recovery/healing/hardwork.  And that’s when I found myself answering a question I’ve so often asked myself – why is it worth it?  Why continue?  Why push on?  Why NOT give up??  Well … because:

It IS worth it – but you have to change the goal.

Here’s an elaborated version of the comment I left:

When I start thinking about it all being ‘worth it’ then – if I’m not careful – I quickly revert back to old habits or want to give up. I KNOW what I’m getting myself into with old habits – but who knows what the future holds?  The future could be WORSE. – or it could be just as bad – but with a lot of extra heartache.

It is then – when I’m lucky and am able to step back a bit from my troubles – that I look at that question a little more closely.

Who knows what the future holds??

No one. And isn’t that a grand thing?

The future is ours for the shaping.

Maybe the goal shouldn’t be the end result or finish line.  Maybe we should stop looking at “when I finally recover” or “when I finally leave him” or “eventually I’ll be over my eating disorder.” Sure it’s good to have hope for a brighter tomorrow – but life is about so much more than this.

Life is the experiences along the way – the detours, the speed bumps and sometimes?

Sometimes life is even about the stop signs.

Look – I’m not saying life is great.  Life kinda sucks!!  And I DEFINITELY haven’t wanted many of the experiences I’ve had – image issues, divorce, the death of loved ones… and has any of that been “worth it”??  H.E.DOUBLE NO.  or for those of you who don’t speak fake swear words – that’s a big HELL NO.

But that’s when my conscience kicks in with an old saying:

“Life isn’t about learning to weather the storms – it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

We can’t control all of the storms that come our way – but we can control our attitude and our courage. If the point of it all is not recovery in itself but instead the challenge of accepting these trials while smiling through them – even when you want to give up – well that right there is something.
I totally understand the whole – “Yeah but WHY would I choose to go through this when I don’t HAVE to?”
WWWWEEELLLLL – life is about progressing – stagnancy gets you no where. :) You won’t learn a whole lot if you wallow in your misery or give up.  But if you move forward:
you challenge yourself,
you learn,
you grow,

you LIVE.

WHY BOTHER??
Because it’s a challenge, an opportunity for learning and growth and a way to experience life and ALL of life’s emotional intensity. It’s not about the destination – no no – it’s about the journey. And if you make the JOURNEY the meaning – then regardless of the outcome – it WILL be worth it.

Pics of the day – 9, 10 and 11

Hello!  It’s your conscience here – but you PROLLY already knew that.  It’s just … well … I hate to interrupt your normal bloginess but … well … we need to talk.  You know your little horoscope project?  The one that you were like, “OMGOSH THIS IS SO SUPER EXCITING – I’m going to do it for A WHOLE MONTH.”  Yeah – that project.

I’m just a conscience so I won’t tell you this was a great idea in theory but a crap idea at the beginning of a semester – no no – I’ll just stick to what is RIGHT and what is WRONG.  Ok ok – actually I’m just going to stick with what is WRONG.

Umm Hello??  Who woke up on the crabby side of the bed today??  And then blared “hot dog” by Limp Bizkit on repeat because it’s a REALLY angry song??  I know – you listened to Linkin Park, NIN and Papa Roach too … but you get what I’m saying.

Today’s task was ” … is not about escaping from your daily routine; it’s about developing a more spiritual approach to what you must do.”

Now tell me Daisy – do you think Limp Bizkit and hearing the F word screamed like 40 kajillionbillion times helped you develop a more spiritual approach??

Moving on … I was proud of you for answering the phone when No. Sydney called – but you could have handled the fact THAT HE ONLY CALLED YOU BECAUSE HE NEEDED TECHNICAL WEB HELP better.  Did you REALLY need to switch to depressing music and listen to THAT on repeat too??

I think you went into today’s horoscope with a negative attitude (for proof please see your post yesterday) AAANNNDDD I think you shouldn’t do that again.  You’re never going to achieve the random wisdom/growth you were hoping a project like this could provide give you if you HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE!!!

SHAPE UP!!

Sincerely yours,

~Your Conscience

HOLY CRAP is my conscience mean or what?? So to help me snap out of my funk – I went to class and really tried to EXPERIENCE class.  My teacher is crazy – I took lots of notes – and I even played a game of Hangman – why?  Because life is about living, loving and laughing :) And living means being PRESENT – so I was present in class – and felt the feelings of the first day of school, noticed my friends in class, remembered what it felt like to be in high school.  And when I took a bathroom break and had to walk down a long corridor which was TWENTY DEGREES COLDER than my classroom – then walk down a weird dingy and poorly lit staircase to get to the bathroom … and when inside of the bathroom it was dark, old and there were small child sized watering cans in every stall … and the water to wash up was placed at a level below my knees … I experienced it.  I imagined the ghosts haunting the halls – I shivered – I lived.

Today did have a rough start.  And to be honest – it’s had a rough ending as well.  But I FELT my day today.  And as much as my conscience would like to say I did a half-assed job – at the end of the day I think experiencing life at a heightened sense of perception/observation/feeling surprisingly satisfies my horoscope.

Today – I LIVED

for better and for worse.

Day 5/365