Category Archives: The extent of my vanity

Why is your stomach fat?

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Have I mentioned lately that I’m a weight-conscious freak? Anyway – blah blah blah – I gained 12 lbs when I moved here.

I Love Fatty

AGH!  It infuriated me!  But I am pleased to announce that thanks to my pretend detoxing it’s finally starting to come off!  YAY!  I also contribute the weight loss (I’ve lost 7 of the 12 lbs) to Caloriecount.about.com..

I absolutely LOVE caloriecount.about.com.

Love

(and where has this emoticon been all of my life?

This thing measures my protein, fiber, potassium, calories, etc PLUS all the exercise I do.  And all I have to do is type in a few simple things!!  It’s like a caloriecount god.  And if I weren’t already somewhat religious I may just worship the site. Oh wait … Thinking

Oh but that wasn’t even the purpose of this blog. On CalorieCount today I saw the following:

WHY IS YOUR STOMACH FAT?

This is what I learned from clicking on the ad:

  1. Healthy food is a ploy to make you fatter.
  2. Crunches will never give you a six-pack.  It’s a conspiracy.
  3. Cardio is boring.
  4. Diet pills are a waste of money.
  5. Exercise infomercials are a gimmick.

Bucket of Chicken 2

Whoa!  It’s like all of the sudden I understand!  I’m “fat” because of a huge conspiracy theory!!  The world is trying to make me fat!!!  Thank goodness I no longer have to take responsibility!! Thank you stupid advertisement!!  Because BEFORE I read the ad I kind of figured maybe it had to do with diet, laziness, or exercise.  I was so wrong. 

I’m a big fat time waster.

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And the award for the Time-Wasting Queen goes to … [drum roll]

DAISY!!! [the crowd goes wild!]

It’s quite an honor to win this award. You see … I’ve been working really hard at wasting as much time as possible since I moved to Sydney. It hasn’t been easy. No no no. In fact, I was a chronic go-go-go-er back home. But not here!

Sure, slowing things down was quite an adjustment at first. But NOW – well I waste super uber duper amounts of time. And I’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone and everything that allows me to waste the amount of time that I do.

How do I do it? Here are my secret ingredients:

  1. Not having a car (I would rather do nothing than take public transportation.)
  2. Being a Girl (getting dressed, changing outfits, playing make-up, doing my hair, looking in the mirror, changing clothes again, putting on lotion… you get the picture.)
  3. Boys (where do I begin? Let’s not and say we did.)
  4. Homework (I would rather do nothing than do homework and really … if I didn’t have so much homework I wouldn’t have to keep picking “nothing” as my action of choice.)
  5. The weather (Rainy days are perfect for doing nothing.)
  6. Not having a job (Can we say lots of time to do nothing?)
  7. Sleeping on a Futon (I require extra sleep to make up for the low quality.)
  8. The Internet (yeah … oops! Did 3 hours just go by from email, IM and blogging?)
  9. My Phone (talk, talk, talk, talk, talk … waste time, waste time, waste time.)
  10. The Shower (no explanation necessary.)

Yes yes – thank you, thank you. Oh and as a little update, I went out with the New Guy Who Really Needs a Nickname for breakfast yesterday and then caught up with the NEW New guy Who I Haven’t Told You About Yet for dinner. Tomorrow more New Guy and then Saturday more New Guy AND more NEW New guy. And yeah … do you see how easy it is to waste time on boys? Not only do I have to get READY for each time I see these boys but I also have to keep them straight!!! Are you confused yet? Because I sure am.

Magic or Evil? I vote evil.

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I miss my bus every single day by about 1 min 15 sec. I’ve tried leaving the house earlier but without fail the bus is magically synced up to my schedule and will still pull away from the bus stop just as I approach the final crosswalk. 1 min 15 sec ahead of me, regardless.

Today as I watched the magic bus drive away 1 min 15 secs before I arrived, I realized that it’s not really a magic bus. Nope. The bus is just plain evil.

An evil bus out to get me.

Ok seriously – I appreciate the fact that the bus revolves around my schedule and that when it drives past me the wind blows my hair back in perfect movie star fashion, but its behavior is simply unsatisfactory. I’m going to have to trick the blasted thing into arriving at the right time.

After careful analysis of my schedule, I’ve come to the conclusion that the bus is synced up to the last element in my “dilly-dally, look-pretty vanity time.” It appears that my last “Once-over, ‘Do I look alright?’ Double check” in the mirror before I walk out the door is what allows the bus to play with my fate. Stupid bus. No one messes with my vanity time!!!

And so, even though I don’t quite feel comfortable making a promise to cut back the mirror time, I think there is a good chance I will at least partially consider it.

That bus is going down.

Screw that – no one makes me feel country

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Ok so my last post was blah blah blah. To recap, I allowed myself (notice I’m taking ownership) to feel not quite as cool as I’d like. Today I’m SO over it.

Martha Stewart is like a flippin’ Home Goddess. And she does it all in style. She’s not old-fashioned or country – she’s just an over-achieving dream.

And if I want to be well-rounded, intelligent, an amazing homemaker AND look fantastic while doing it all – that’s my prerogative. I don’t think it’s old-fashioned. I think it’s just shows I have a very short attention span, am a little vain, and need lots of mental stimulation. :)

Take THAT Sydney. Maybe all YOU care about is looking fabulous – but I care about the best of both worlds. :-p