I talked to Homeslice today.  His call was perfect timing.  So much on my mind – TOO much on my mind.  He keeps accidentally rescuing me.

He gets me.  He sees the way I work.  He can follow my trains of thought and he knows where I’ll go with them, mostly.  This would be great and fantastic and all but you’re not supposed to stay friends with former teammates – ESPECIALLY ones with bipolar baseball disorder!!  BUT his heart appears to be bigger than the DOUCHE rooted deep in his psyche, so I’ve decided to accept and acknowledge he’s a douche, straight up jerkturd. HOWEVER he is a VERY good friend.  In fact he’s pretty much my best friend – so as a bestie he will remain.

Tonight he accidentally helped me by suggesting, in absolute outrageousness, that I give up my dogs.  And no he wasn’t joking.

I gasped in shock – I couldn’t help it. WTF was he thinking?

These girls are my life!  And I quite frankly owe them my life.  I thought I was rescuing THEM but learned quickly it was them who rescued me.

PLUS I love them so much I gave up my pride just so that we could stay together. Yes – that’s right. I moved HOME because although I can afford to live on my own – I can’t afford to live in a place where they would have a nice yard and be comfortable. I wouldn’t trust roommates with my dogs and they are just too big for apartment living. :-/

I got choked up (something I VERY rarely do) as I was telling Homeslice giving up my dogs was NOT an option. I made a commitment when I adopted these girls that I would take care of them for as long as they live.

Sure, they COULD be “happy” anywhere but NO ONE can ever take my place in their hearts.  They love lots of people – but they are bonded to me.  And even though I lived away from them for almost 2 years and they were loved, adored, and cared for while I was gone – they never latched onto their new caretakers the way they did and still DO to me.

And that’s when I realized/remembered that even if I feel like I am a little lost, struggling to find purpose, can’t find my direction and even if I feel hopeless.  I DO have a reason to keep on kicking. If it is not a possibility in my mind to give them up because NO ONE will be as good for them as I am – how could I possibly force them to give ME up?  How could I do something which would cause them to lose me?

I’ve had a tougher life than I like to admit.  Sometimes the idea of living even just to senior citizen status scares me.  It just feels like more than I want to bear!  And I don’t see a point.  However, if I set aside “forever” and just focus on sticking around for a few more years (while they grow to old age), THAT I can manage.  THAT isn’t intimidating.  It’s just a few years. Time flies.  And who knows – maybe in a few years I’ll have a new outlook on life.

Yes. Probably.

Or at least it would seem so based on the pretty big decision I made today.  a CRAZY decision.  One of ALMOST mind blowing proportions.  As in, it would blow your mind if your mind was kinda weak and surprising thoughts were like human size grenades.  It’d be like “omgosh that is so surprisi”**BBBBOOOOOOOOM**** your mind just blew up.

And someone should clean that up STAT (obviously YOU can’t because your mind is gone) because Dog #1 might accidentally run through it, splattering vomit ON THE WALL – siiiiiick.  yes ok fine – I admit it! We WERE talking about your blown up mind but I digressed and ended up telling you what was waiting for me at home tonight, chunks (ok maybe not CHUNKS but definitely “a lil bit”) of vomit splattered on my wall.

yum.  Thanks Dog#1!

Ok so back to my MIND BLOWING, vomit splattering, DECISION!! *Smiley Face* I was walking through Target and I found myself wondering what it would be like to fill an entire journal.  You know – to like FINISH something. To be consistent for that many pages!!! Yikes!  What would it feel like to have an ENTIRE book filled with my thoughts, and like, FEELINGS?  A book that covered one whole season (or partial season) of my life? like in ADDITION to this blog where I store my private and very secret thoughts for the whole wide interweb to see.

Well – I decided to find out! FUN!!! Soon enough I will know EXACTLY what all that jay jazzy YAY up above feels like.  Because I purchased a journal – please see below for picture proof.

My, my. What great eyes you have!  And what great powers of observation you possess!!  But seriously, so what if it was the smallest, thinnest (*extremely* thin) journal I could find? At least it’s a journal! *smile* And at least I’m going to write in it! Wahoo!!

Pic of the day – rockin the 3D glasses.  I really need a blog name for him – but I haven’t found the right one. For NOW you can just remember/know him as the guy I said was radical.

We saw Hugo in 3D – I LOVE LOVE LOOOOVVVEEEED it!!  We went into the movie not knowing anything about it and came out very impressed!  I fell in love with the characters, loved how many little love stories were going on whilst the main story was being told, was impressed with the cinematography, appreciated the moral of the story and would totally watch it again!!

So I’m just going to start with today, right now, this moment.  I’m here (you don’t say…) and although I still have all of the YAY HAPPY PEPPY RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES AND TWINKLY WHITE LIGHTS STRUNG IN PRETTY BLOOMING TREES in me – I ALSO have, at least in this particular moment, a grumpster inside.

OOOH K.Pete!! What’s a grumpster? asks the wild looking child who probably should be named Chin or Inch (INner CHild) but who is ACTUALLY called, at least for now, InchChin.

Oh my good gracious sweet heavenly angels. We need a better picture of InchChin because THAT is not a good one.

ANYWAY Good question InchChin. *teacher-ish smile* A grumpster is a mix between a plain old grump and a grump who likes to make up cool words LIKE “grumpster”, which could be a cross between hipster and grump OR dumpster and grump – either would apply to me *wink wink* but, at least in this post, it’s probably the latter because dumpsters hold trash and the grumps talk trash and I’m packing some trash talking baggage around. (oh and it’s FUN to say) *BRILLIANT!*

So where were we? Oh yes. My dichotomy. Let’s not focus on that too much, let’s just accept it and get down to the nitty gritty.  This might have been (which means it WAS) the theme of my day today: “I know we’re not dating but whenever I see someone else flirting with you, I want to shoot them in the face.”

*SHOCKED LOOK*

Welllllllllll what can I say? A guy I didn’t think I was dating but who I was diggin’ on a little and who I was playing baseball with EXPRESSLY told me that we WERE indeed dating. Wait – whaaa???? the week before that he said we were JUST FRIENDS W/BENEFI*cough*playing baseball.  But now we’re DATING?? His bipolar baseball disorder sent my head spinning, spinning, spinn – BAM!  GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? you’ll never guess.

He was like “haha – it was OPPOSITE DAY when I said we were dating so let’s stop playing baseball and just be friends.” HAHA!  Nice hit Homeslice!! You just scored a DOUBLE DOUCHE.

*and don’t judge, judge-y pants – it’s not what you think cuz I live in MoMo land and around HERE wearing a tube top is almost like wearing a scarlet letter so playing baseball is probably not what you think*

ANYWAY- Homeslice invited Coach (a girlfriend of mine) and ME! to a lil weekend MoMoHo weekend party getaway but because of a lot of OTHER back story that we’re skipping I wasn’t feeling the weekend getaway.

And when he asked me TODAY if I was going to go I was like, “Umm no”. and I couldn’t figure out why he was trying to convince me to go.  Cuz like seriously? did he think I would take great satisfaction in watching him flirt with other girls or maybe he thought I’d consider myself oh so fortunate to be eye candy – omgosh…

That’s when it occurred to me – HE WANTED COACH AND ME AS MOMOHO STRIPPERS! (which means NOT STRIPPERS AT ALL but just two hot girls who are a lil crazy and as such provide entertainment and make it more fun for the guys there.) SICK! GAG! Homeslice you’re a DOUCHE! Especially because when I called you out on it you didn’t deny it. *extra evil glare*

Well Homeslice – THIS JUST IN!  Coach said to tell you that we’d reconsider if you want to pay us an hourly rate.

Here’s my pic of the day:

That’s Codename and ME.  We’re grabbing a little food-age.  I cheated and ate gluten-full FRENCH TOAST STICKS and the rest of the day I envisioned the damage they were doing to my trying to get ready for bikini season body.  Eh – whatevs.

In other news, last night I hung out with a really cool guy that I thought for SURE wouldn’t want to hang out with me again after he got a lil dose of k.pete ideology … but he did – so we did! :)  AAAANNNDDDD we went on a hike/walk with my dogs which makes him radical.

Until the next post…

~K. Pete

Or what about the time I said I was going to take a self-portrait every single day for a year but ended up only doing it for about 90 days?  Yeah… umm… about that.

In other news, I was super pleased and excited to learn that the kids I teach in church adore me. :)  YAY!  Happy days!

What? You don’t think you’re going to put DEXTER into the cold, heartless, bitter, tragedy of a daydream that you start with the words “once upon a time”?  WELLLL…. unless you are psychic, :)  you can’t really tell me it’s not a possibility.  ESPECIALLY since I just used Jedi mind power to plant that seed.

Just saying.

So this girl, the one who lived once upon a time and liked to start daydreams with those very same words?  She started watching a lot of Dexter and then when she finished that series she started watching a lot of Bones and would you EVER guess that after watching so many hours of emotionally handicapped and socially awkward main characters that she started to develop her OWN personal brand of “don’t give a gosh darn good golly gracious thing-a-ma-bobber about what other people think” attitude?

If you didn’t guess, don’t be too hard on yourself. :) *loves!*  I mean, YES the title of this blog already gave away the answer and so you probably should have guessed BUT no biggie!!  :)  We already established that you aren’t psychic AAANNNDDD a phrase like “gosh darn good golly gracious thing-a-ma-bobber” takes wicked mind power to conjure up and, well, we can’t ALL be Dr. Brennans around here.

Just saying. ;)

Tick tock. Tick tock.  And the pendulum swings.

I would much rather have regrets about not being what people said than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I’d just been myself ~ Brittany Renee

I am who I am.  Deal with it.  ;)  And what. ever.  I sooooo did not get scared, really late at night, when my dogs growled at noises outside and it sounded like someone was trying to RAKE THE CEMENT, over and over and over and over RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW, after watching three episodes in a row of the trinity killer.  Psh.  That season was for babies.

BOOM!

OOORRRR maybe it’s not quite like that.  It’s more like this

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!

What??  Changing long time personal habits can be kind of a slow process!!!!

hahahaha. :)  But what if all of those fears you had before – you know – the ones that made you doubt what he said? the ones that made you scared to risk your heart? well, what if you were wrong?

What does this all mean?  I’m not sure either.  I only know that:

 ”No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other’s worth.” – Robert Southey

Happy New Year!  Has it really been a year?  So much has happened!!! Yet we pick up, almost, as if nothing has… and here we are – same holiday, same time, same place.  We laugh.  Is it possible?

Yes.

I couldn’t wait another day.

AAANNNDDD I seriously watch WAY too much ghost whisperer because I thought “Katy Perry has a ghost!!!! Better call Melinda Gordon STAT!” when I saw the end of this video.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok so maybe I didn’t really think THAT exactly. :) but I DID think GHOST WHISPERER when he went to touch her hand. :-o

I heart me some tourist for shizzle.   I heart me that song too. *happy sigh*  Did anyone else fall in love with this plot and movie? And has anyone else gone back to an old cell phone record/bill in order to find a number they deleted so that they could UN-delete it? :) :)

WHAT?? Who said that I did that? You must be craaaazzeee. I meant like “anyone else” as in like anyone besides the any ONE person who MIGHT have done that and who probably ONLY did that because the owner of said number deleted his OR her facebook account but who definitely wasn’t me – umm – yeah. :) haha. Because ME, MYSELF AND I?? I only went back to the cell phone record to CONFIRM that the number sitting in the “trash” of my verizon wireless back-up assistant was the number I really WAS looking for. ;) haha. (which btw – I didn’t even KNOW Verizon kept my trashed numbers until tonight!!! can I get another “craaaaazzeeeee” please? cuz that is CRAAAAAAAZZEEEE! good news.) hahahaha!!!!

So yeah… It felt pretty stalkerish to go back and look up a number in the past. :-o But it’s late – I’m tired – I’m feeling a touch loopy and yeah – YAY – yeah – I did what had to be du-du-du-done. Pound Pound PEACE!

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” – E. E. Cummings

He did that for me.

It wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to realize J-doo-da and I broke up.  Who’s J-doo-da?  Oh, you know, ;) just the guy that I was dating this past year. :) My big mistake AND the inspiration for my new break-up playlist.  YAY!!!

haha!!

“There’s a side of you that I never knew .. and the things you said they were never true.”

AAANNNDDD let’s be honest, “I kind of always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend.” :-o though I DO wonder… ”Why’d you have to go and pick me? When you KNEW that we were different COMPLETELY!! … but I should have thought about that before we kissed..” haha! :)  Oh Gwen – you rock.

And we ALL know that “I can’t stand the restrictions. I find myself trying to change you, if you were meant to be my lover I wouldn’t have to…” *gasp!*

“Easy come, Easy go, that’s just how you live, take take take it all but you never give. Should have known you were trouble from the first kiss… ”

Wait a minute – Bruno Mars did you read my journal?? ;)

“Black Black, Black and Blue, beat me til I’m numb. Tell the devil I say “Hey” when you get back from where you’re from… ”

“There’s a fire starting in my heart, Reaching a fever pitch, it’s bringing me out of the dark, FINALLY I can see you crystal clear, Go ahead and sell me out and I’ll lay your shit bare, See how I’ll leave with every piece of you, Don’t underestimate the things that I will do.  … The scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all. You had my heart and soul inside of your hands but you played it to the beat.”

*sigh* I love music!!!!  AAANNNDDD being FREE has given me a renewed sense of self, a liberating freedom, tons of Holiday candy and an exquisitely SMACKED Terry’s DARK Chocolate orange. :)  Hip hip hooray!

Oh and I also found the courage and desire to get back on track with ME.

ME!!!!!

I’ve missed me.  ”I don’t know what I’ve done, or if I like what I’ve begun.  But something told me to run and honey, you know me, it’s ALL or NONE.  There were little voices whispering that I should go and this should end… cuz I don’t know who I am without you, but all I know is that I should…”

I’m FREE!!! I can be MYSELF. I won’t get texts telling me to delete my FB statuses or please take down pictures anymore. I won’t have someone adjusting the sleeves on my shirt to make sure I’m “proper and modest” and I can laugh at what I want, smile at whomever I want, and be the fun flirtatious girl I used to be. :)

And yes – I told him I wish I could erase him from my memory. :-o But that was a touch dramatic. haha!

It’s still going to take some time … I’ve been in a slump for months (long before we broke up) and I need to reignite my passion. I need to stop this pattern of behavior. The song above “scar” – oh it’s so me. :( And this blog is part of my healing process. :) YAY!  I’m getting closer to being ME again every single day. :) I have AMAZING friends!!! And I’m meeting so many great people!!

“He left a card and a bar of soap with a scrubbing brush next to a note, That said “use these down to your bones”.
And before I knew I had shiny skin and it felt easy being clean like him, I thought “this one knows better than I do”

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle…
He tried to cut me so I’d fit”

Sure, “My mind has eff-ed me over more times than any guy could ever know…” and “Maybe I should give up giving …” and “I’m sorry to whichever man should meet my sorry state, watch my steady lonesome gate and be aware…” BUT I will recover.

And I will look forward to being the happy carefree woman I once was, again, very soon. I have hope. :) And I’m excited to be ME again. :)

“I always take the high road and I always bite my tongue and say you’re right.  I never say just what I think for fear that you can’t handle it.  But tonight?  I can’t hold back, I’m breaking out of the gates and screaming, ‘Give me back my voice again! Give me back my soul!  Give me back my love again, I want to give it to someone else.”  I will not be calm, I won’t be nice.  Now all that time I wasted is time I’m making up – and it’s mine.  I’m not so scared of what I want, there’s a freedom in just being me. Sick of trying to make it easy. I’m on my own and I’m finally breathing. ‘Give me back my voice again! Give me back my soul!  Give me back my love again, I want to give it to someone else.”

NEW BLOG:

SOMETIMES – after I’ve just downloaded some GREAT music (“We found love“, “Mr. Saxobeat“, “Good Feeling“, and the new David Guetta Album, which btw – the we found love music video is depressing so I just linked the audio) – and I’ve been dancing around in my room to my new music – and I’m about to write a blog – then I get this crazy urge to like do a BlaVlaLog.  Which in MY head is the equivalent of my being able to TYPE the way I’d SAY something so that you could alll benefit from the FULL… umm… welll… the full YAY!! that is in my head right now. YAY!  :) SMILE!

But since I don’t really want to VLOG and BlaVlaLogging is something I made up (in my head) let’s just all be aware that everything I’m writing tonight should be read LIKE it’s pepped up on caffeine but it ISN’T because this high?  It’s au naturale.

hahahaha.  I smile every time I see that picture.  That’s Duchess, my dog.  She pretty much loves the park. SPEAKING OF WHICH!!  The PARK is a GREAT distraction from dwelling on stuff you can’t change.

So is looking at that picture.  In fact, maybe you should look at it again.

K cool – we have that settled now.  Let’s dive right back into Distraction Techniques.

No – wait. Let’s do a quick recap.  WHY are we talking about this?  Because sometimes we get overwhelmed with stress and when THAT happens?  We usually cope with stress by using self-defeating behaviors.  Blog One was Common but Self-Defeating Stress Coping Mechanisms.  Then we discussed Radical Acceptance in Blog Two and explained that the FIRST tool in fighting stress is acceptance.  Once we get the gist of acceptance we can start distracting – which brings us to today.  MAD DISTRACTION SKILLZ.  YAY!

Mad Distraction Skillz #1 – Stop being self-centered! ;)

I don’t know that much needs to be said about this one.  If you serve others and put others first – you won’t have time to dwell on your own stress.  It is kinda that simple.  BUT let’s delve a little deeper.

• Do Service
• People Watch  (observe as many details as possible so you have no time to think of anything else.  AND if you’re like my brother … you might sneak a camera phone pic of some fashion faux pas awesomeness and send it to a friend – you’ll both laugh and hopefully feel a little guilty for being kind of mean – but still laugh.)  Or you could be like the people of “People of Walmart” and take pics like the one below.  Aaaannnnddddd Please Bless I don’t go to Hades for posting this. YAY!

• Go on a quest to take a GREAT picture of a Fanny Pack!!!  Double points if you get TWO fanny packs in one pic and TRIPLE points if you manage to get YOURSELF in the pic with a fanny pack.  OH!!!! And one billion ga-jallion points if you email the picture to moi.  :) :) :)

(please extra please bless I don’t get sent to H.E.double hockey sticks for these.)

• Think of someone you care about.
• Keep pictures of people you care about around where you can see them and then LOOK at them when you’re SpIraLinG.

Mad Distraction Skillz #2 – Change your thoughts!!

This one is SOOOOoooooOOOO much easier said than done.  But being AWARE of your thoughts and AWARE that you CAN change them gives you power.

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS

This doesn’t mean you can change the way you feel!!!  This also doesn’t mean you are going to forget.  We can’t always CONTROL our thoughts.  It’s not even worth trying.  But we can DIRECT and CHANGE our thoughts.  We can distract ourselves.

This concept is SO important that we will have a blog JUST on thought patterns.  I’ve read a few books that focus on this specifically and it’s SO WORTH giving it some extra attention.  But for NOW?  When you feel yourself thinking about things that can’t be changed – TELL YOURSELF NO.  Be aware.  Think of something else … for example:

• Remember things that were fun.  Maybe a specific event where you couldn’t stop smiling.  Remember that feeling.  Remember what made you laugh.  Remember as many details as you possibly can. (don’t get side tracked remembering that things might be as good NOW as they were THEN.)
• Find something lovely outside and FOCUS on it.  Look at every detail  BE CURIOUS.
• IMAGINE!  FANTASIZE!  You’re a superhero – who are you going to save?  What has your super villain arch enemy done THIS time?
• OR imagine you just won the lotto – what do you buy first?
• Pray
• Do something on the Really Long List of Things To Do
• Tell yourself No again – and then remember something happy – remember the FEELING
• Watch this video because it’s SO FUNNY

Create a distraction plan.

Mad Distraction Skillz #3: Create a Distraction Plan

Is there something on your plate or in your life that overwhelms you?  Be aware of it.  Decide NOW that the next time you feel yourself dwelling or spiraling because of this issue that you WILL do _________.  It doesn’t matter which technique you try.  Just pick one and try it!!

Mad Distraction Skillz #4: LEAVE

Don’t run away from your problems but be aware when walking away from the situation until you can clear your head might be best.  If the situation involves another person, relationship guides suggest you tell the person you are going to clear your head for X amount of minutes and give them a time frame for when you will come back and discuss things.

Mad Distraction Skillz #5: Whistle While You Work

When life gets overwhelming, sometimes we let daily tasks fall behind.  It’s not that we WANT our sink to fill up with dishes, or to look in the mirror and realize it’s been WAY too long since our last eyebrow wax – but sometimes it happens.  Crossing off tasks from your to do list is AWESOME.  And cleaning can be cathartic.  AND sometimes if you attack dirt and grime and come out the WINNER?  It feels GREAT!

• Clean your car
• Pull weeds
• Vacuum
• Clean the kitchen
• Wash blinds
• Reorganize a shelf (any shelf)
• Reorganize anything
• Rearrange furniture
• Get rid of old stuff
• Color coordinate your closet
• SCRUB the bathroom til it SpArKleS
• Clean the garage
• Sweep
• Mop
• Get the haircut/wax/manicure you need
• Treat yourself to a massage
• Wash your car
• Mow the lawn
• LAUNDRY
• Homework?
• Extra assignment from work?
• Clean your jewelry/watches/shoes
• Cook – then CLEAN up afterwards
• Pay that stack of bills
• Respond to emails
• EXERCISE
• Take your dogs to the park because you’ve promised them every single day that you’d go and every single day you don’t end up going… wait… haha – you don’t have to do that one.  That one was just for me. ;)

Mad Distraction Skills #6: Count Dracula

Back to the “counting” suggestion.

• Count your breaths – breathe slowly.
• Count anything.  The cars passing by, the people you see, how many letter Ts are in this blog…
• Count in increments of 7.  Go up or down the number line.

CREATE A DISTRACTION PLAN

I saw a WHOLE lot of words all at once.  But they’re all pretty similar.  I pulled this up on my phone and the first word I saw?  Serve.  Then dramatic, stubborn and courageous.  (but honestly I don’t think many people would call me a stubborn person but it IS a trait I struggle with in other people and it doesn’t surprise me that it jumped off the page.)  When I pulled it up on my computer the first I saw were lovely, passionate, dramatic and thoughtful.  hahahaha.  BUT since I think it takes passion to be courageous (or stubborn) and being thoughtful usually means service – I’d say either way the list was fairly accurate. :)