I talked to Homeslice today.  His call was perfect timing.  So much on my mind – TOO much on my mind.  He keeps accidentally rescuing me.

He gets me.  He sees the way I work.  He can follow my trains of thought and he knows where I’ll go with them, mostly.  This would be great and fantastic and all but you’re not supposed to stay friends with former teammates – ESPECIALLY ones with bipolar baseball disorder!!  BUT his heart appears to be bigger than the DOUCHE rooted deep in his psyche, so I’ve decided to accept and acknowledge he’s a douche, straight up jerkturd. HOWEVER he is a VERY good friend.  In fact he’s pretty much my best friend – so as a bestie he will remain.

Tonight he accidentally helped me by suggesting, in absolute outrageousness, that I give up my dogs.  And no he wasn’t joking.

I gasped in shock – I couldn’t help it. WTF was he thinking?

These girls are my life!  And I quite frankly owe them my life.  I thought I was rescuing THEM but learned quickly it was them who rescued me.

PLUS I love them so much I gave up my pride just so that we could stay together. Yes – that’s right. I moved HOME because although I can afford to live on my own – I can’t afford to live in a place where they would have a nice yard and be comfortable. I wouldn’t trust roommates with my dogs and they are just too big for apartment living. :-/

I got choked up (something I VERY rarely do) as I was telling Homeslice giving up my dogs was NOT an option. I made a commitment when I adopted these girls that I would take care of them for as long as they live.

Sure, they COULD be “happy” anywhere but NO ONE can ever take my place in their hearts.  They love lots of people – but they are bonded to me.  And even though I lived away from them for almost 2 years and they were loved, adored, and cared for while I was gone – they never latched onto their new caretakers the way they did and still DO to me.

And that’s when I realized/remembered that even if I feel like I am a little lost, struggling to find purpose, can’t find my direction and even if I feel hopeless.  I DO have a reason to keep on kicking. If it is not a possibility in my mind to give them up because NO ONE will be as good for them as I am – how could I possibly force them to give ME up?  How could I do something which would cause them to lose me?

I’ve had a tougher life than I like to admit.  Sometimes the idea of living even just to senior citizen status scares me.  It just feels like more than I want to bear!  And I don’t see a point.  However, if I set aside “forever” and just focus on sticking around for a few more years (while they grow to old age), THAT I can manage.  THAT isn’t intimidating.  It’s just a few years. Time flies.  And who knows – maybe in a few years I’ll have a new outlook on life.

Two days in a row? WHOA!!! Am I out of my mind?

Yes. Probably.

Or at least it would seem so based on the pretty big decision I made today.  a CRAZY decision.  One of ALMOST mind blowing proportions.  As in, it would blow your mind if your mind was kinda weak and surprising thoughts were like human size grenades.  It’d be like “omgosh that is so surprisi”**BBBBOOOOOOOOM**** your mind just blew up.

And someone should clean that up STAT (obviously YOU can’t because your mind is gone) because Dog #1 might accidentally run through it, splattering vomit ON THE WALL – siiiiiick.  yes ok fine – I admit it! We WERE talking about your blown up mind but I digressed and ended up telling you what was waiting for me at home tonight, chunks (ok maybe not CHUNKS but definitely “a lil bit”) of vomit splattered on my wall.

yum.  Thanks Dog#1!

Ok so back to my MIND BLOWING, vomit splattering, DECISION!! *Smiley Face* I was walking through Target and I found myself wondering what it would be like to fill an entire journal.  You know – to like FINISH something. To be consistent for that many pages!!! Yikes!  What would it feel like to have an ENTIRE book filled with my thoughts, and like, FEELINGS?  A book that covered one whole season (or partial season) of my life? like in ADDITION to this blog where I store my private and very secret thoughts for the whole wide interweb to see.

Well – I decided to find out! FUN!!! Soon enough I will know EXACTLY what all that jay jazzy YAY up above feels like.  Because I purchased a journal – please see below for picture proof.

My, my. What great eyes you have!  And what great powers of observation you possess!!  But seriously, so what if it was the smallest, thinnest (*extremely* thin) journal I could find? At least it’s a journal! *smile* And at least I’m going to write in it! Wahoo!!

Pic of the day – rockin the 3D glasses.  I really need a blog name for him – but I haven’t found the right one. For NOW you can just remember/know him as the guy I said was radical.

We saw Hugo in 3D – I LOVE LOVE LOOOOVVVEEEED it!!  We went into the movie not knowing anything about it and came out very impressed!  I fell in love with the characters, loved how many little love stories were going on whilst the main story was being told, was impressed with the cinematography, appreciated the moral of the story and would totally watch it again!!

I keep telling myself I’m going to start blogging again. like for REALZ blogging. like do it on a regular basis like I used to blogging. And then I think about all of the back story, the new people, the __fill in the blank with whatever word delights you__, and it OVERWHELMS ME! AH! where do I begin?

So I’m just going to start with today, right now, this moment.  I’m here (you don’t say…) and although I still have all of the YAY HAPPY PEPPY RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES AND TWINKLY WHITE LIGHTS STRUNG IN PRETTY BLOOMING TREES in me – I ALSO have, at least in this particular moment, a grumpster inside.

OOOH K.Pete!! What’s a grumpster? asks the wild looking child who probably should be named Chin or Inch (INner CHild) but who is ACTUALLY called, at least for now, InchChin.

Oh my good gracious sweet heavenly angels. We need a better picture of InchChin because THAT is not a good one.

ANYWAY Good question InchChin. *teacher-ish smile* A grumpster is a mix between a plain old grump and a grump who likes to make up cool words LIKE “grumpster”, which could be a cross between hipster and grump OR dumpster and grump – either would apply to me *wink wink* but, at least in this post, it’s probably the latter because dumpsters hold trash and the grumps talk trash and I’m packing some trash talking baggage around. (oh and it’s FUN to say) *BRILLIANT!*

So where were we? Oh yes. My dichotomy. Let’s not focus on that too much, let’s just accept it and get down to the nitty gritty.  This might have been (which means it WAS) the theme of my day today: “I know we’re not dating but whenever I see someone else flirting with you, I want to shoot them in the face.”

*SHOCKED LOOK*

Welllllllllll what can I say? A guy I didn’t think I was dating but who I was diggin’ on a little and who I was playing baseball with EXPRESSLY told me that we WERE indeed dating. Wait – whaaa???? the week before that he said we were JUST FRIENDS W/BENEFI*cough*playing baseball.  But now we’re DATING?? His bipolar baseball disorder sent my head spinning, spinning, spinn – BAM!  GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? you’ll never guess.

He was like “haha – it was OPPOSITE DAY when I said we were dating so let’s stop playing baseball and just be friends.” HAHA!  Nice hit Homeslice!! You just scored a DOUBLE DOUCHE.

*and don’t judge, judge-y pants – it’s not what you think cuz I live in MoMo land and around HERE wearing a tube top is almost like wearing a scarlet letter so playing baseball is probably not what you think*

ANYWAY- Homeslice invited Coach (a girlfriend of mine) and ME! to a lil weekend MoMoHo weekend party getaway but because of a lot of OTHER back story that we’re skipping I wasn’t feeling the weekend getaway.

And when he asked me TODAY if I was going to go I was like, “Umm no”. and I couldn’t figure out why he was trying to convince me to go.  Cuz like seriously? did he think I would take great satisfaction in watching him flirt with other girls or maybe he thought I’d consider myself oh so fortunate to be eye candy – omgosh…

That’s when it occurred to me – HE WANTED COACH AND ME AS MOMOHO STRIPPERS! (which means NOT STRIPPERS AT ALL but just two hot girls who are a lil crazy and as such provide entertainment and make it more fun for the guys there.) SICK! GAG! Homeslice you’re a DOUCHE! Especially because when I called you out on it you didn’t deny it. *extra evil glare*

Well Homeslice – THIS JUST IN!  Coach said to tell you that we’d reconsider if you want to pay us an hourly rate.

Here’s my pic of the day:

That’s Codename and ME.  We’re grabbing a little food-age.  I cheated and ate gluten-full FRENCH TOAST STICKS and the rest of the day I envisioned the damage they were doing to my trying to get ready for bikini season body.  Eh – whatevs.

In other news, last night I hung out with a really cool guy that I thought for SURE wouldn’t want to hang out with me again after he got a lil dose of k.pete ideology … but he did – so we did! :)  AAAANNNDDDD we went on a hike/walk with my dogs which makes him radical.

Until the next post…

~K. Pete

Remember the time I said I was going to teach the world to sing?  And I was so excited and dedicated?  But instead of teach I said blog about stress reduction because I can’t sing?  And then I only wrote like 3 blogs about it?

Or what about the time I said I was going to take a self-portrait every single day for a year but ended up only doing it for about 90 days?  Yeah… umm… about that.

In other news, I was super pleased and excited to learn that the kids I teach in church adore me. :)  YAY!  Happy days!

Once upon a time there was girl who really liked to start stories in her mind with the phrase “once upon a time.”  *happy sigh*  ”Once upon a time” is so romantic.  :)  There’s really no other way to start a story I think – unless of course you want your story to be a cold, heartless, bitter, tragedy.  But even then, it’s prolly better to go ahead and give it a good ole “once upon a time” to start, JUST IN CASE at the last second you decide Dexter is going to swoop in and save the day by murdering a bad guy.   Or Detective Morgan!!  It doesn’t always have to be a guy who does the rescuing.

What? You don’t think you’re going to put DEXTER into the cold, heartless, bitter, tragedy of a daydream that you start with the words “once upon a time”?  WELLLL…. unless you are psychic, :)  you can’t really tell me it’s not a possibility.  ESPECIALLY since I just used Jedi mind power to plant that seed.

Just saying.

So this girl, the one who lived once upon a time and liked to start daydreams with those very same words?  She started watching a lot of Dexter and then when she finished that series she started watching a lot of Bones and would you EVER guess that after watching so many hours of emotionally handicapped and socially awkward main characters that she started to develop her OWN personal brand of “don’t give a gosh darn good golly gracious thing-a-ma-bobber about what other people think” attitude?

If you didn’t guess, don’t be too hard on yourself. :) *loves!*  I mean, YES the title of this blog already gave away the answer and so you probably should have guessed BUT no biggie!!  :)  We already established that you aren’t psychic AAANNNDDD a phrase like “gosh darn good golly gracious thing-a-ma-bobber” takes wicked mind power to conjure up and, well, we can’t ALL be Dr. Brennans around here.

Just saying. ;)

Tick tock. Tick tock.  And the pendulum swings.

I would much rather have regrets about not being what people said than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I’d just been myself ~ Brittany Renee

I am who I am.  Deal with it.  ;)  And what. ever.  I sooooo did not get scared, really late at night, when my dogs growled at noises outside and it sounded like someone was trying to RAKE THE CEMENT, over and over and over and over RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW, after watching three episodes in a row of the trinity killer.  Psh.  That season was for babies.