Category Archives: I’ll probably regret posting this

Crazy going slowly am I

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crazy

Whenever I reached the ultimate heights of boredom as a child I would recite, “I am slowly going crazy, crazy going slowly am I” over and over while I puttered around doing whatever it is I could find to do.  Aaannnndddd OMGOSH seriously – that sounds a lot worse than it really is.

No seriously.

WHAT??  You mean NORMAL people don’t do that?  WhatevvvvER.  Scott Pete sometimes did it too.  We’d recite it together and then get the giggles – yep yep.

I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY

True story – 5 minutes ago I bumped my bobby pin holder off my dresser.  I looked down and was like “What a mess.”  And then I said this outloud:

“Sweet!  At least I now have something to do for a minute.”

THAT’S RIGHT!  I talk to myself :)

But I think the most disturbing part of this story is not that I talk to myself but that I was actually happy to clean up a pile of bobby pins.

Before you think I’m TOO pathetic!!

It’s not that there aren’t things I COULD do – of COURSE there are things I could do.  It’s a matter of WANTING to do them.  I’ve done all of the boring stuff – unpacked, cleaned, made my bed – ya know – boring stuff.  And now?  I think I’ve done so many boring things that now I’m not just bored – now nothing even sounds fun!!  Lame.

Goss update:

#3 – sent me my phone via post – I thanked him via text (sms) and I think that’s the end of him.

CC+4 – I sent him this totally groovin’ ‘get your groove thang on’ song bcuz it’s SO HOT except I decided to ruin the song for him by telling him I think about him when I listen to it.  I feel mildly guilty for this – however the mild guilt does not suppress the devilish delight that makes me chuckle at the thought of it.  I will be going on another singles cruise in January – he’ll be there also – only time will tell if we’re ever cruise crushes again … but I doubt it.

Captain Charisma – OMGOSH!  We haven’t talked about him in a LLLLOOOOONNNNNGGGGG time.  But he’s back in the picture bcuz well – he’s hot and he likes American humor.  :)   Ok ok – also because I’m boyless and he always seems to be around when I am free.  :)

North Sydney – seeing him tomorrow – excited but a little nervous too.  AGH!

Work – they’re not giving casual workers any hours until October – so very quiet on that front.  However I went in to say hi and that was fun.

Ok – that’s enough out of me – I think I’ll play eyeshadow for a bit and then go buy nail polish remover.  Sweeeeeet.

The L word, Pics, CC+4, #3 and Love really IS a battlefield

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It’s late at night and I’m going to overshare.  It’s not that I don’t recognize that I should create rules for myself – like maybe “If you know you are tired and are aware that you could be admitting/confessing information that may be best to NOT share on a public website – DON’T!!”  because I totally do.  I KNOW I should be careful when I’m tired but at the same time when I’m tired I can’t be bothered to follow rules.  GASP!  Yeah yeah – I know – I’m in love with rules but tiredness makes me EXTRA apathetic.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?? *big smiley face*

It means I’m going to give you a debriefing on CC+4, #3 and that new Jordin Spark’s craptastic song that I downloaded because well – LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD – oh and I’m also going to explain why I am at war.

THAT’S RIGHT!  I’m AT WAR!!! … or at least my heart is …

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD

The song says “Don’t try to explain your mind I know what’s happening here.  One minute it’s love and suddenly it’s like the battlefield.  … I never meant to start a war.”

I’m trying to decide how to make this long story short – ah ha!  OUTLINE!!!

  1. #3 calls and quizzes me on my “sportiness”
  2. I wonder why the BLEEP he’s telling me he wants to get me into the gym
  3. #3 confesses he thinks I’m wonderful
  4. I say, “Yeah except you think I’m fat.”
  5. #3 FREAKS OUT!!  He just wanted to spend quality time with me
  6. I think “oopsie!”
  7. #3 decides we don’t understand each other and wants to get to know the “real me”
  8. #3 tries to upset me
  9. I get upset
  10. #3 drops the L bomb

#3 DROPS THE L BOMB!!!!!!

And then I say, “What?  No I don’t think so.  You can’t drop that on me right now while you’re PURPOSEFULLY TRYING TO MAKE ME UPSET!!”

He blah blah blahs some more and his phone dies.  And I’m left bewildered.

And then I went boating and well – see for yourself.  Me w/CC+4.

max-and-kerilynn-3max-and-kerilynn-2

A picture speaks a thousand words.  And this pic in color – well – it speaks volumes.  Volumes and volumes.  It’s a great picture but I can’t go down this road again.  It hurt too much last time. He crushed me when suddenly stopped logging onto skype, stopped responding to emails – he deserted me.  And yet the feelings were instantly rekindled when I got home … but I don’t work that way.

I CAN’T TURN MY HEART OFF AND ON LIKE THAT!!!  And seeing him again … I can’t … I can’t.  I’m slipping – I have feelings for him.  But …

I can’t.  I really really can’t.  My heart can’t take it.  Not now – not when I’m supposed to leave in a week.  Not when #3 is dropping the L bomb on me.  Not when – well – not now.

My life is in Syndey now right?  I live there.  It’s where I’m supposed to be.

right ?

And I REALLY like #3.

So CC+4 – well … maybe I need to let him go.  Figuratively of course.  I need to tell my heart to let him go.  I need to focus on what’s REAL. And although my feelings for him are most definitely real – CC+4 has not done anything to lead me to believe he has any intentions for long term.  And if I can fully let him go – my heart will have no strings holding it back from #3.

I guess that settles things.  I have feelings for #3.  I have feelings for CC+4.  #3 has feelings for me.  CC+4 – ??  #3 wants a relationship.  CC+4 and I live 8,000 miles apart.  And now I just have to convince myself that spending time with CC+4 will do nothing but make the break in my heart more painful when I leave.  It’s time to let go.

But … if that’s the case – why does my heart feel this way??

toes = numb, fingers = blue, heart = ice

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My dad wrote the last blog post and he used a SWEAR WORD!!  Omgosh.  I’d tell on him but I haven’t quite figured out how to tattle on your father.  Hmm …. doesn’t dad-ee-O know that we only use FAKE SWEAR WORDS on this blog??

ok so I have a lot of random thoughts today and if it weren’t so MOTHER TRUCKIN GOSH DARN FLIPPIN COLD inside my house right now I’d probably maybe take the time to sort through the randomness and blog it all with love.  But my heart has turned to ice, my toes are numb, my fingers are blue and I created a playlist on my ipod called “It’s so effin cold outside – I need to get warm” filled with booty shakin’ music which gets under my skin so that I would be inspired to move around and be warm.  Pathetic?  North Sydney says “Not pathetic hun, just special.”  Great.  Luv that.

Ooh speaking of North Sydney GUESS WHAT?  I’ve officially called quits on the non-platonic inclinations between the two of us because I am kinda sorta “seeing” #3.  This is great and terrible.  GREAT because it’s surprisingly brought North Sydney and I closer together as friends (I can’t wait to see his son again on Saturday!!) and it’s TERRIBLE because:

OMGOSH! Do you know what this means?  This means I must kind of like – umm – well – like – LIKE #3.   AGH!  And that is TERRIBLE!   I don’t even know if he kind of like – umm – well – like LIKES me in return.  I would suppose that he does at least KIND OF like me but – OOH let’s change the subject.  Sunday after #3 and I went to the rally/protest we headed over to Manly.

manly-1

And it was SO PRETTY!!  There was a Wine and Food Festival going on and people were walking around with wine glasses strapped to their necks. WHHHAAATTT????  You mean you’re actually too lazy to HOLD your wine glass?  You have to WEAR IT around YOUR NECK??

I told #3 I HAD to sneak a pic of it and so he walked right up to the dude I was trying to photo stalk and was like, “Hey she’s from out of town and would LOVE to get a picture of one of those wine glasses.”  So the dude totally was like – well see for yourself:

manly-3

And #3 scored himself some extra bonus points for humoring my whims and for being bold enough to make it happen!  (He also scored points because he made me try oysters and I LIKE THEM. YAY!)

Ok in other news – it’s still freezing cold, my heart is still ice, my fingers are still blue but my toes are a BIT warmer.  :) AAANNNDDDD tomorrow I go back into the dumb Dr.  I’m SO SICK OF DR’s APPOINTMENTS!!!  Remember awhile back when I finally caved and decided I’d “get better” and stop being so obsessed with my weight and image??  – You don’t?  That’s ok.  FYI – I did.  :) And now I’m like WHAT WAS I THINKING???  Getting better sucks and is a crap ton lot of work. No for real – it is.

Oh but here’s another pretty picture.  :)

manly-2

I think I’m mostly only dreading tomorrow because I didn’t do what she asked me to do *guilt* and because it’s at 8:30am and is an hour away.  SUCK!!  But for real – did I REALLY have time to read the book she suggested at the end of the semester?  probably.  But not definitely.  And did I REALLY have time to make appts with the OTHER specialist she wanted me to see?  probably BUT I think my subconscious deliberately lost the number I needed to call.  Oops!  Soooooooo yeah ….  tomorrow starts the next chapter in recovery because tomorrow I have to account for myself.  Suckity suck suck suck.

Ok – here’s the gossip from the weekend

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Want to know what had my mom LOLing for AGES last night at around 1:10 am my time (which was around 9:10am her time the day prior)??  This little juicy gossip for you.  Woot!  Woot!  But FIRST let’s dish the scoop from the weekend.

Friday night I played with North Sydney.  North Sydney who?  Here he is in 141 characters or less:

He’s hot, funny, hypersensitive, self-absorbed, ambitious, has conflicted feelings 4 me & says we’re “friends with non-platonic inclinations”

So it was great fun to see him if you consider the fact that he “shares” with me all of the time how he’s let me into his life so much more than other people – and I “get” him and can “diffuse” him and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH – oh and he finds me attractive and enjoys kissing me (eew gross!) but we’re just FRIENDS.  Which is fine with me – really truly – but I don’t think FRIENDS should kiss.  SOOOooooo I think I’m going to have to put the X on the non-platonic inclinations.  We can be besties/BFFs and that will be FUN – YAY!  but no kissing.

Saturday night I played with North Sydney again.  North Sydney who?  JUST TEASING!  Same as above.  We went and saw Star Trek and I had to take a COAT into the theater with me because it gets THAT cold in there.  EVERY TIME.  Yeah I’m serious – I pack a coat every time I go to the movies.  And NO you sly little devils out there – cuddling is NOT an option to keep warm because 1 – we’re JUST FRIENDS and 2 – the stupid theaters don’t have those adjustable arm rests.  :)

Next up! Sunday.  After dinner with N. Syd on Saturday and his suggesting that I should give #3 a chance – #3 who? oh boy – here we go again.  #3 in 141 characters or less:

He’s hot, funny, super duper intelligent, way too motivated, incredibly energetic, older, spontaneous, and very intriguing – but a big drinker

YES N. Sydney DID suggest I should give #3 a chance – even though we (N. Syd and I) totally pashed the day prior. (pash = make out) Umm … right. ok so NO MORE NON-PLATONIC INCLINATIONS.  Grrrrr.  8o| (that was JUST FOR YOU MOM! oxox)

ANYWHO after work on Sunday I caught up with My Flattie (she’s so cute! and her BF is my Agony Uncle – SO CUTE!) and Uncle Agony suggested I send a text to #3 – yada yada yada – I ended up catching up with #3 for dinner HOWEVER because I had HOMEWORK I only agreed to meet him because he said he’d like to help me with my essay.

YES I WAS SKEPTICAL TOO!!!  Like WHAT?  Seriously – he wants to help me with my homework??  Right – and I went and saw Witch Mountain only because it looked realistic – it wasn’t because THE ROCK who is oh so hunky and fine now that he’s lean and trim was in it – no no no.  Uh huh – yeah right.  So why did I agree?  Because he made a convincing argument and happens to have firsthand knowledge in my area of study.

Dinner ended up not being dinner – apparently #3 had already eaten – WHAT?? But that’s ok because I got served piping hot chips (french fries) by the absolute most SMOKIN’ Canadian fire brigade dude.  When we left Mr. May (fire brigade) made sure to give me a personal invitation to come in ANYTIME and #3 commented that he was surprised Mr. May didn’t find a way to slip me his number.  (big sigh – he was so dreamy.)

Then #3 was like, “Come back to my place and we’ll actually WRITE your essay” and he was so super duper enthusiastic about it and I was like, “Umm it’s 9:30 pm – Yeah right x 100″ and he was like, “No for real” and I was like, “Not a chance under the moon” and he was like, “I swear.” and this is the Daisy abbreviated version of the conversation – I don’t think #3 has ever used the words “no for real” in his life.  ANYWAY – I took his solemn oath that we’d write THREE PAGES of my essay if I went back to his house.  STOP LAUGHING!!!

No seriously.  STOP LAUGHING.  And yes – this is why my mom laughed too.  Why?  Because I DID go back to his house and we DID work on my essay.  YES.  That’s right.  We worked on my essay. And then I went home.  Yep!!  HE WAS SO MUCH HELP!!!  He gave me a killer dramatic opening for the paper as well as a bangin’ closing line.  AND if that doesn’t score him triple quadruple double brownie points – I don’t know what would.

I’d say if this were Super Mario he scored a 1up – and it makes Mr. May look like Mr. Maybe Can’t Compete with #3.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Oqx2GqUvs4[/youtube]

My little upside down world is going to right itself

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It’s now the afternoon of a fantastically beautiful day.  I’ve showered, am about to get ready for what should be a rowdy night on the town.  Yeah – hopefully it will be fun.  I had an offer to stay in tonight but there’s something soothing about losing yourself in a crowd.   As you slowly work yourself into the center of attention you are no longer the lost little girl whose younger brother disappeared from her life, you are no longer the lost little girl with no older brothers to turn to, you are no longer the lost little girl who feels more and more lonely every day despite your ever growing social circle. And more than all of this?  You are no longer the ridiculous little girl who is obsessed with her weight.

The International Student Adviser suggested I go home for the winter break.  [insert look of death]  I told her I didn’t think I wanted to.  I haven’t booked my ticket home.  I haven’t put my room up for hire and I haven’t even looked at a calendar to see how many weeks until I COULD go home.  I don’t care.  Yes that’s right.  Daisy – the girl who had a 16 week countdown last semester and couldn’t WAIT to get home now doesn’t care.

The counselor argued “Yeah but what about your family?”  Well I talk to my mom or dad every day or every other day but if I go home I have to face the fact that recently my brothers chose to exclude me from their lives – going home HURTS.  She counters, “Right but you have such a solid support group there.”  Well yeah sure I have friends there but I keep in touch with some of them here.  And as far as going to parties – I can do that here or there.  She tries again, “But the weather here will be terrible.  It will rain almost every day.  It’s only for a month or two.  Go home and recharge.”  haha!  Nice try.  I don’t mind the rain.  In fact, the rain quite suits me as of late.

Then she stabs me in the heart.  “But what about your dogs?”

DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN IT!  And that’s when I realize I’ve completely lost myself.  What is going on?  What is my problem?  What happened to me?  I should be COUNTING DOWN the very days until I can see them again.

My heart received the biggest jolt.  My reality shaken.

Suddenly I could HEAR everything she was trying to tell me.  Yes, yes.   There IS something wrong.  Yes – there is a problem.  It’s been going on for a year now.  And yes, when my brothers walked out of my life it got significantly worse.  So YES I will go see your other counselor even though I don’t want to.  And YES I will go see that other Dr who is not going to like what I tell him.  Yes I will read your stupid packet of information.  Yes I will keep a journal of stupid things that I DO NOT WANT TO KEEP TRACK of for you.  And finally yes I will see you in a week, and another week, and another week.

And though I slightly resent it, yes I will get better.

And it is at this point that I realize my dogs have once again saved me from myself.