CONFESSIONAL??  Well, yes – unless the definition of confessional has changed in the last 60 seconds.  Wait … WHAT???  A confessional is strictly defined as being in front of a priest?  Ok – then FINE!  This is an “anxious in an overly controlled kind of way” synonym to a confessional.  :)  *whew!*

But Daisy!!  You’re not uptight! *BIG SMILE*  You’re a little flower blowing happily in the wind. *BIG SMILE*  Why would you need to write a diary in the form of a synonym to a confessional about being uptight?

Well – probably because I need to confess that I’ve been an uptight freak for the past few months!!!  OMGOSH!  I HATE IT!!

For those of you who have no idea what it’s like to be uptight (which I’m guessing is most of you because most bloggers are oh-so-coooool and easy-going *YAY!*) I’ll tell you what it’s like.

It’s like forgetting that the best parts of life are found in moments rather than results.  It’s having blinders on that prevent you from seeing with your heart.  It’s being on a road trip and forgetting to look out the windows as you drive through a beautiful tulip field because you’re LATE and you are too focused on your destination.

It’s what I like to call a big sucks.

As in it sucks big.  Big, big biggity big.  Bigger than the sucks of sitting in traffic – and honestly – sitting in traffic never used to bother me but NOW? OMGOSH ROAD RAGE!  So yeah – if it sucks more than that?  It’s a big sucks.

What happened?

I don’t know!  *Exasperation*

Darn this inconvenient uptightness!  If only I had been uptight sooner than I could have pinpointed the precise moment when I switched over to the dark side.  ;)  And THEN I could have mapped out an exact way to reverse my course of action and …hahahahaha …

But seriously – where was my uptightness when I needed it?  *wink!*

I don’t know how or when it happened.  I don’t know why either.  I only know that my attitude has changed.  And it needs to change back.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I think it’s time to really, like really for REAL, do a new gratitude/daily journal.  And maybe time to start my pic-a-day up again.  I need to nip this in the butt before I’ve turned into a nasty headmistress from some very imaginative children’s book.  Because once THAT happens?  It’ll be too late.  I’ll be immortalized in print.

So yeah – here’s to a month of introspection.  It’s time to rescue that happy flower before this summer heat WITHERS it into nothingness.

Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

AAANNNDDD I kind of think that maybe even if I don’t get the job – I think dedicating one day a week to writing about finding and maintaining inner happiness might be a great way to go.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t know much about the subject (only because I learned about it the hard way) but other times I’m grateful when I can share a few words with someone in need.

Finding inner happiness – part 1

Have you ever felt free?  Free from the pressures of work. Free from the pressures of family, society, money,etc.?    Have you ever thought, “I never want this moment to end” ??

Take a moment today and relive that experience.  Take a moment and feel where you were – what you were doing – the sounds, sights, smells.  Maybe you were catching a nice wave while surfing.  Maybe your cat sat purring in your lap.  Maybe it was while you played a musical instrument, or it was after a long day of work and you were chilling on your bed with your feet up.  :) Maybe it was outside when you eyes beheld breathtaking beauty.  A waterfall, a peaceful spring, seeing a wild dolphin swim next to you.  Maybe it was beauty from the heart – coming home to a big happy hug from your adorable child.  Or maybe – just maybe – if you were me – you were laying outside under a big willow tree with two beautiful dogs by your side watching the clouds go by.

You don’t have to be doing anything “special” to experience this escape.  You simply have to live.

Stop the torrent of thoughts scrambling around in your mind.  Set aside your worries for 10 minutes.  Breathe.  Look.  See.  Feel.  And then?  And then take a big sigh and smile.

Our actions may not be directly related to the patterns of our thoughts and changing our thinking doesn’t ensure change in behavior.

On the other hand, our thoughts are most certainly directly affected by our actions.  And if we choose to act in ways we may not feel (if we try to attempt happiness when we are sad),  if we keep this up, eventually the thoughts will follow.   Maybe we can’t let go of it all today – maybe there is just too much stress.  Ok.  That’s ok.  Go back in time and relive a prior experience.  Remember how it felt.  Feel it again.

Sigh and let the world go for one minute.  Then smile and feel the energy around you.  Laugh.  Love.  Live.

It only takes a moment.  Try it today.

It’s exciting and overwhelming. The options are endless and the possibilities are likely beyond our scope of imagination.

Daunting? yes.

Lucky for us – we can choose HOW we look at the future and we can choose optimism OR pessimism. We have a choice. And we can prepare for the worst while hoping for the best.

And though we may not get to pick the story of our MadLib game – we get to pick adjectives, adverbs, pronouns, and verbs.

“”"(insert name) was so lucky to go to a/an (insert sport) game. He/she was (insert emotion) even though his/her (insert food) dropped and landed right on his/her (insert body part.)”"”

(btw – if you don’t get this MadLib reference/metaphor – you missed a great part of being a kid! :) )

September 14th is a bittersweet day.

A few years ago I always planned on phone calls, birthday dinners and/or birthday FUN around the 14th. Now? Well now my brother isn’t around to celebrate birthdays. So those plans, along with hopes for the future, dreams of having same aged kids and huge family reunions with a genius brother whose style was impeccable and grammar was without reproach are all gone.

But want to know what isn’t gone?? My memories.

That’s right – and barring brain disease or injury – NO ONE can take away my memories. I’ll have them for as long as I live. And this September 14th I relived a few memories. And I’m so grateful that I have GREAT memories on which to reflect.

We don’t know what will happen tomorrow – but if we live TODAY and every day to its full potential then tomorrow – no matter what happens, we’ll always be able to remember yesterday with fondness.

Yes – it’s true – I DID miss out on the family party shown below (pics courtesy of my older brother and father) but labeling it as “what I’m missing” makes it bittersweet.  And quite frankly – though I LOVE dark chocolate, I like my life to be a bit more on the sugary side. :)  So INSTEAD – let me show you what I have to look forward to in about 4.5 months.  :)

This Smile

These Puppies

My precious nieces

Family Fun

Bocce Ball

Giggles and puppy play

Unconditional Love

That’s right – I have a whole lot of GOOD to look forward to – and although I may be missing out on some of it at the moment – it will be waiting for me when I finish here in Australia.

My adviser has been talking to me a lot about refocusing unconscious situational judgments.

I do it ALL of the time.  “Ooh – I missed out on that” instead of “Sweet! I can’t wait for next time!”  Or “Last semester SUCKED!” instead of “Last semester was a good growing experience.” AAANNNDDD I refer to 6 months ago as “when I was fat” when I only weighed 7lbs more than I do now!!  Problems??  I think so.

My adviser ALSO talked to me about learning to FEEL small emotions instead of rationalizing them away.

I’m the queen of logic.  Yes-sir-ee-bob! I sure am!  And guess what??

Emotions aren’t logical!!

So although I tease a lot about “hating” this or being “bugged” by that – I usually rationalize away my feelings and never take the time to ACCEPT that I feel this way.  It’s ok if this sounds confusing – it is.  :)  But the jist of it is that although I use exaggerated negative language to describe situations – I never actually ACKNOWLEDGE my feelings about the situation.  Of course exaggerations aren’t to be taking seriously and I never take my feelings that seriously either.

Anyway – I’m now working on this … and I’m just OVERJOYED about it.  ;)  HAHAHAHAHA!  teasing.

oh and I’m sorry if I haven’t commented for awhile!!  I am still a faithful reader to the people I follow – I just haven’t had time to comment. :)  I will be fixing this!!

Day 39-41

Bleeding Love COVER by Mystery Jets – LOVE IT!!

Why is THIS all worth it?  Why??

(You can substitute the word THIS for many, many things – having your heart broken, deciding to get a much-needed divorce, working through your problems with a friend, recovering from an eating disorder, recovering from depression, dealing with hardships of school, life and life’s hardships in general, being nice to people who are mean, working at a crap job, etc – I think most people have a THIS – and what I’m about to say should apply to most of it.)

So seriously – Why is THIS all worth it?  Why are these challenges and heartaches worth it?? Why bother??

The blog I read was searching for meaning in the hardship – a meaning for the end result – a meaning for the acceptance/recovery/healing/hardwork.  And that’s when I found myself answering a question I’ve so often asked myself – why is it worth it?  Why continue?  Why push on?  Why NOT give up??  Well … because:

It IS worth it – but you have to change the goal.

Here’s an elaborated version of the comment I left:

When I start thinking about it all being ‘worth it’ then – if I’m not careful – I quickly revert back to old habits or want to give up. I KNOW what I’m getting myself into with old habits – but who knows what the future holds?  The future could be WORSE. – or it could be just as bad – but with a lot of extra heartache.

It is then – when I’m lucky and am able to step back a bit from my troubles – that I look at that question a little more closely.

Who knows what the future holds??

No one. And isn’t that a grand thing?

The future is ours for the shaping.

Maybe the goal shouldn’t be the end result or finish line.  Maybe we should stop looking at “when I finally recover” or “when I finally leave him” or “eventually I’ll be over my eating disorder.” Sure it’s good to have hope for a brighter tomorrow – but life is about so much more than this.

Life is the experiences along the way – the detours, the speed bumps and sometimes?

Sometimes life is even about the stop signs.

Look – I’m not saying life is great.  Life kinda sucks!!  And I DEFINITELY haven’t wanted many of the experiences I’ve had – image issues, divorce, the death of loved ones… and has any of that been “worth it”??  H.E.DOUBLE NO.  or for those of you who don’t speak fake swear words – that’s a big HELL NO.

But that’s when my conscience kicks in with an old saying:

“Life isn’t about learning to weather the storms – it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

We can’t control all of the storms that come our way – but we can control our attitude and our courage. If the point of it all is not recovery in itself but instead the challenge of accepting these trials while smiling through them – even when you want to give up – well that right there is something.
I totally understand the whole – “Yeah but WHY would I choose to go through this when I don’t HAVE to?”
WWWWEEELLLLL – life is about progressing – stagnancy gets you no where. :) You won’t learn a whole lot if you wallow in your misery or give up.  But if you move forward:
you challenge yourself,
you learn,
you grow,

you LIVE.

WHY BOTHER??
Because it’s a challenge, an opportunity for learning and growth and a way to experience life and ALL of life’s emotional intensity. It’s not about the destination – no no – it’s about the journey. And if you make the JOURNEY the meaning – then regardless of the outcome – it WILL be worth it.

Pics of the day – 9, 10 and 11

or something like that …

Do things happen for a reason?

Who knows for sure – but looking back on the past year of my life I can tell you I can kind of see how lucky I am to have had the trials and difficulties I once hated.  It’s been a crazy path – a tearful journey – and also lots of fun!!!  I’ve grown so much – even my family has noticed!!  And I want to give a shout out to all of my bloggy friends, all of my new friends in Sydney, all of my old friends in Utah and … I think it’s time to give a special shout out to North Sydney – my BFF in Australia.

Thank you – all of you!!

You make my life brighter. :)

And now – back to that special shout out to my Aus-BFF … remember CommitmentPhobe?  No?  That’s ok.  He was the first man to sweep me off my feet in Australia.  Charming – hot – romantic – I was scared and when he gave me flowers I left them at his house. GASP!!!!  Daisy how could you??

I know – I know … but I was scared.  I wasn’t ready for a relationship and really?  He wasn’t either.  So we became friends.  And now?  One whole year later we’re the best of friends.  I absolutely adore him.  And it’s driving me crazy that I haven’t seen him for FIVE WEEKS!!!  FIVE WEEKS!!!!  I think it bothered him as well … not only did he complain about the length of my trip but he scheduled my first Saturday night home well in advance.  lol.  I talked to him yesterday (the day I arrived) and I told him I want as much of his Saturday as I can have.  He laughed – but I think he feels the same way.

Friends and family are the spice of life – they give a dreary day a spark of color, a dash of flavor/flavour.

And you know what?  That’s something to smile about.

That should kill two birds with one stone METAPHORICALLY that is – I’m not really into the whole throwing rocks at cute little creatures that better NEVER EVER ever EVER touch me because they’re cute to THINK about but WAAAY too scary to touch. 

Yeah – that’s about right.  Metaphorically I think all of my problems are solved.  (is it still opposite day?)

I was pretty down on myself for not having a concrete 5 year plan.  So – I created one this past week.  And then I remembered the reason why I didn’t have one in the first place!!  lol.

Haha!  Just teasing.  It surely IS useful to have a general idea about where one would like to be in the future.  And I think it would be terrible to pick a path that leads to a terrible outcome.  The journey is often more important than the destination – but if that journey leads you to the middle of the desert, 1000 miles away from the nearest living person, with no cellphone, no food, no water and no transportation – well that journey is what I like to call a WASTE OF TIME!

or is it?

What if you had one crazy wild ride to get there?  What if in the course of your trip to the desert you found true love and had accomplished all of your life goals?  Sure you are there – in the middle of nowhere – but you’ve fulfilled your life’s purpose – you can rest in peace.  And if that’s the case, maybe it wasn’t a waste of time at all.

Sure so ok – I now have a 5 year plan.  I have goals and a bit of direction.  But the reality is that as long as I’m following my heart and the road is pleasant – I think I’m inclined to agree with Henry James.  I don’t care where I end up as long as I am making the most of what I’m given along the way.

Before I go off on this book – true to form – you can find the few decent quotes I discovered at the end of this post.

So – The Wizard of Oz.  Yep.  Being that I currently live in the land of Oz and have had a gray to color transformation myself, I was most interested in this written novel.  Thankfully it didn’t take long to read the 189 pages of – umm – wonder?? Oh it’s a wonder alright. And I’ll tell you what, after reading L. Frank Baum’s “masterpiece” I do not wonder at ALL why some libraries in the early 1900s banned the book for poor quality writing! But I DO wonder why this book is considered a classic. Sure the movie helped make it famous – but the book itself – apart from Hollywood – hmm – yeah – not impressed.

There is a “Things to Consider” section at the end of this Penguin Classic (which is different from Popular Penguins mind you) and I’ve decided to consider what they suggest.

1. “Dorothy is considered by many to have all the best character traits a girl could hope to have. What do you think these are?”

Omgoodness. No, no, no, no, no. Dorothy is the absolute WORST example of what a girl or a human being should be. Dorothy is as gray and plain as the Kansas she left behind!! Not only does she have ZERO personality but she lacks courage, cries instead of finding solutions, depends on everyone else to do EVERYTHING for her, has no imagination, no curiosity, and is NOT a team player.

How about the time she was just going to walk away from her friends because oh gee that’s too bad you’re about to die but I’ve got to get to Oz so good luck!

Or how about how she kept rubbing it in to her friends “Oh that’s too bad you don’t have a heart.”  “Sucks you’re not smart” or “Your new name is the COWARDly Lion – how does THAT make you feel?” Maybe if she had a heart or a brain herself she would have noticed how her friends already had that which they were seeking.

Once last point to mention, I wanted to flippin shake Dorothy and tell her to grow up! I couldn’t stand her constant crying and whining about wanting to go back to Kansas “she cried bitterly for hours and hours.”  She didn’t even cry when she saw the Tin Woodman and the Scarecrow destroyed!  Oh but she has tears all day long about Kansas.  Ever heard of just being HAPPY where you’re at? I want to go home too – but while I’m in Oz myself I’m going to make the absolute best of it. :)

2. What are the lessons this story taught?

Hmm … I think this story teaches that if you’re an idiot you will always be one. :(

Baum could have taught a powerful lesson about self-esteem and seeing yourself clearly but in the end when the wizard attempts to show the 3 characters that they already have what they desire (a brain, a heart, and courage) the characters refuse to accept it. Instead they get angry with the Wizard for not giving them what they sought. Hmm – yeah anger is definitely the right answer. And then Baum takes the easy road out and has them receive ridiculous gifts to assuage their temper and they live happily ever after – never knowing that they had it in them all along.

3. What do you think of the Wizard? Was he wrong to trick the people of Oz? Does he make up for it in the end?

The Wizard is a coward. I don’t care that he tricked the people into thinking he was a Wizard (except that it further proves he’s a coward) but I DO care about the fact that he made everyone wear goggles so they couldn’t see life for what it really was. And it bothers me that Dorothy and her friends never questioned the goggles. And after the Wizard confessed that the goggles were a big farce – it bothers me that the girl and her friends continued to wear them anyway. And after the scarecrow became king – it bugs me that he didn’t have everyone take off the goggles. So no – I don’t think he made up for it in the end.

4. What is it about the Wizard of Oz that made it a classic?

The Wizard of Oz became a classic because it used small words that were easy to understand and featured a yes-girl with no personality – things that undoubtedly appealed to the mass public in the early 1900s. Ouch – that’s harsh isn’t it? But sadly I think it’s true. And why in the world did so many things have to die? The whole book is one murder after another!

“He seized his axe, which he had made very sharp, and as the leader of the wolves came on the Tin Woodman swung his arm and chopped the wolf’s head from its body, so that it immediately died. As soon as he could raise his axe another wolf came up, and he also fell under the sharp edge of the Tin Woodman’s weapon. There were forty wolves, and forty times a wolf was killed, so that at last they all lay dead in a heap before the Woodman.
“Then he put down his axe and sat beside the Scarecrow who said, ‘It was a good fight, friend.’
“They waited until Dorothy awoke the next morning. The little girl was quite frightened when she saw the great pile of shaggy wolves, but the tin Woodman told her all. She thanked him for saving them and sat down to breakfast, after which they started again upon their journey.”

Umm – ok. So she sees FORTY headless wolves in the morning but is just like, “Oh ok let’s eat some brekky and be on our way.” And a good fight? Yeah – a fight where 40 wolves died and didn’t have a chance is REALLY good.

The next page goes on to explain how the scarecrow twisted the necks of 40 crows until they died. Really uplifting stuff here isn’t it?

Well I considered what they asked and it made me hate the book even more. I hope the next “classic” I’m about to read is a little better than this one. I can’t imagine it could be much worse …

QUOTES:

“No matter how dreary and grey our homes are, we people of flesh and blood would rather live there than in any other country, be it ever so beautiful.  There is no place like home.” – Dorothy

“…once I had brains, and a heart also; so, having tried them both, I should much rather have a heart. … brains do not make one happy, and happiness is the best thing in the world.” – Tin Woodman

“… a fool would not know what to do with a heart if he had one.” – Scarecrow

“As long as I know myself to be a coward I shall be unhappy.” – Lion

“Experience is the only thing that brings knowledge.” – Wizard

“There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger.  True courage is in facing danger when you are afraid.” – Wizardup!!

I don’t talk about my past a lot. In fact, I don’t really talk about it at all. But the cruise last week – the cruise I knew I needed to be on – it helped me open up a bit. I talked to CC+4 and my new friend Bobcat about my past. It was good for me to remember the things I try and forget. I’ve distanced myself enough from my past that now I can look back and say “Wow. Look what I overcame. Wow. Look what I’ve created for myself against all odds.” And you know what? I’m proud of myself. I’m a far cry from where I wish I were. There are many choices I would go back and make differently if I could – but where I’m at – despite the arduous, traumatic and extremely painful journey to get here – feels good.

I have a great life. I live in Sydney, Australia of all places and I meet amazing and cool people on a continual basis. And I am happy. I’m happy despite it all. And that is what I’m most proud of – the fact that I took control of my life and attitude and despite every negative – every trial – every pain – I chose happiness. And you know what? Happiness is NOT the easiest choice. Believe me – it’s much easier to allow your trials to consume you. I have lived nightmares and at times I didn’t think I’d live through them – times I prayed I wouldn’t live through them. But I did. And now I’m stronger. I overcame them – and now I’m here creating my destiny, trying to find the path fate has in store for me.

My most recent chapter? 2009. Already an unexpected cruise and a whole lot of “I don’t know” up in the air.

My unexpected cruise crush CC+4 dropped me off at the airport. I’m soooo glad he did. He’s adorable and I am happy I got to spend every extra minute with him.

And now I’m off to the next great adventure and chapter in my life. One chapter at a time, I’m slowly creating a life which is absolutely unexpected yet completely desirable.   I have no idea what’s coming next – but I hope it includes him again – if at least only for a bit.

He talked about visiting me in Australia soon … I fully support that idea.