I have changed.  I am changed.

I am also Queen of the Obvious!

But there!  I said it – I got it out of the way.  We can move forward.  :)  haha – ok I’m not like COMPLETELY changed.  My sense of humor is still about the same.  :)  which let’s be real – that is a HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!!!!!

YAY!!!!!

You see, I LOVE to laugh and I think I’m funny.  So the fact that I STILL think I’m funny?!?!!  Wahoo!!   :)  :)

Anyway I’m only mentioning this because I’ve done moderately well at being “adjusted” despite my – umm – well – my life.  I’ve tried to maintain a happy perspective, I’ve worked at being optimistic and I’ve NEVER taken the “why me?” attitude; though I have most certainly wondered about the purpose of life.  But I’ve adjusted; I’ve adapted.   I’m still here and most days I’m still laughing.  :)

Up until recently I didn’t want to really admit… (continue reading on my new blog here.)

Or if you just want to stick with the light stuff …

Let me share with you my new favorite-est-est-est song!!!  I’ve mentioned that my BF and I have a soundtrack of US.  (you should read it the story – it’s cute) And this song makes it on the list.  The lyrics ring true in my heart.  I love J, and I WOULD carry him around even if he were an old school 50lb boombox, and I’d hold him on my shoulder wherever I walked, and turn his volume up  in front of the cops, and crank it higher every time they told me to stop. hee hee ;)  Yes – My heart’s a stereo.

Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

AAANNNDDD I kind of think that maybe even if I don’t get the job – I think dedicating one day a week to writing about finding and maintaining inner happiness might be a great way to go.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t know much about the subject (only because I learned about it the hard way) but other times I’m grateful when I can share a few words with someone in need.

Finding inner happiness – part 1

Have you ever felt free?  Free from the pressures of work. Free from the pressures of family, society, money,etc.?    Have you ever thought, “I never want this moment to end” ??

Take a moment today and relive that experience.  Take a moment and feel where you were – what you were doing – the sounds, sights, smells.  Maybe you were catching a nice wave while surfing.  Maybe your cat sat purring in your lap.  Maybe it was while you played a musical instrument, or it was after a long day of work and you were chilling on your bed with your feet up.  :) Maybe it was outside when you eyes beheld breathtaking beauty.  A waterfall, a peaceful spring, seeing a wild dolphin swim next to you.  Maybe it was beauty from the heart – coming home to a big happy hug from your adorable child.  Or maybe – just maybe – if you were me – you were laying outside under a big willow tree with two beautiful dogs by your side watching the clouds go by.

You don’t have to be doing anything “special” to experience this escape.  You simply have to live.

Stop the torrent of thoughts scrambling around in your mind.  Set aside your worries for 10 minutes.  Breathe.  Look.  See.  Feel.  And then?  And then take a big sigh and smile.

Our actions may not be directly related to the patterns of our thoughts and changing our thinking doesn’t ensure change in behavior.

On the other hand, our thoughts are most certainly directly affected by our actions.  And if we choose to act in ways we may not feel (if we try to attempt happiness when we are sad),  if we keep this up, eventually the thoughts will follow.   Maybe we can’t let go of it all today – maybe there is just too much stress.  Ok.  That’s ok.  Go back in time and relive a prior experience.  Remember how it felt.  Feel it again.

Sigh and let the world go for one minute.  Then smile and feel the energy around you.  Laugh.  Love.  Live.

It only takes a moment.  Try it today.

Hmm … I think a bullet point list ought to do.  YAY!!!  a LIST!!!  Wahoo!!!

What does this picture say about me??

1. I love ketchup
2. I don’t just LOVE ketchup but I totally <3 HEART <3 it TOO!!!  YAY!!!
3. Engineering CATASTROPHES kinda sorta bug me – kinda sorta in the way that I actually bother to take a picture of the catastrophe to post on my blog.  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WASH MY HANDS IN WARM WATER WHEN MY ONLY OPTIONS ARE BURNING HOT AND ICY COLD???  And no it doesn’t work to try and lightning fast swing back and forth between the two.  And even though the cold does feel pretty ok after SCORCHING your hand on BURNING HOT WATER – it doesn’t make it ok.
4. I attend the University of Sydney where these sinks are found.
5. I’m on pain pills for my back.  What? you couldn’t tell that from the picture?  OOOHHH.  Well now – look again dear friend and you MAY just see that I got ON THE WRONG TRAIN today for the first time EVER because I’m  a little YAYHAPPYDAY-DOTOODOOO space cadet.  I discovered my error when I landed in a town I couldn’t pronounce in an area I couldn’t pronounce next to a guy whose name I SURELY couldn’t pronounce.

And the best part??  The pills don’t even really work!  And thanks to the Dr. I went from a 6 on the Frowny Face scale to a whopping 8.8!!!  He said “Can you move your head like this?” and then proceeded to move my head BEFORE I COULD REACT and then YOWSERS!!  8.8 on the Frowny Scale.  The pill brought me back down to an 8 but I’d say a -0.8 reduction does NOT speak highly of the medicine.

Nighty night!!

oh and p.s. #3 has a new GF and – well – you ALL know what I won’t say right about now.  But what I WILL say is that they look really cute together!!  :)  And it appears those french fries that #3 told me I wasn’t allowed to eat because he was afraid I’d PORK OUT have landed smack dab on his hips while all that extra alkeehall he drinks now that his partner drinks with him has landed squarely (or should I say roundly?) on his belly.  HAHAHA! Karma’s a be-otch!

SNAP! I know I shouldn’t point fingers while I’m eating a bag of M&Ms – but seriously – you try being a space cadet while having EIGHT degrees of frown all up in your neck.

Violent Femmes – Blister in the Sun

omgosh – just KIDDING??  What is that?? it’s a foreign language!!  Let’s try this one instead …

It’s exciting and overwhelming. The options are endless and the possibilities are likely beyond our scope of imagination.

Daunting? yes.

Lucky for us – we can choose HOW we look at the future and we can choose optimism OR pessimism. We have a choice. And we can prepare for the worst while hoping for the best.

And though we may not get to pick the story of our MadLib game – we get to pick adjectives, adverbs, pronouns, and verbs.

“”"(insert name) was so lucky to go to a/an (insert sport) game. He/she was (insert emotion) even though his/her (insert food) dropped and landed right on his/her (insert body part.)”"”

(btw – if you don’t get this MadLib reference/metaphor – you missed a great part of being a kid! :) )

September 14th is a bittersweet day.

A few years ago I always planned on phone calls, birthday dinners and/or birthday FUN around the 14th. Now? Well now my brother isn’t around to celebrate birthdays. So those plans, along with hopes for the future, dreams of having same aged kids and huge family reunions with a genius brother whose style was impeccable and grammar was without reproach are all gone.

But want to know what isn’t gone?? My memories.

That’s right – and barring brain disease or injury – NO ONE can take away my memories. I’ll have them for as long as I live. And this September 14th I relived a few memories. And I’m so grateful that I have GREAT memories on which to reflect.

We don’t know what will happen tomorrow – but if we live TODAY and every day to its full potential then tomorrow – no matter what happens, we’ll always be able to remember yesterday with fondness.

Yes – it’s true – I DID miss out on the family party shown below (pics courtesy of my older brother and father) but labeling it as “what I’m missing” makes it bittersweet.  And quite frankly – though I LOVE dark chocolate, I like my life to be a bit more on the sugary side. :)  So INSTEAD – let me show you what I have to look forward to in about 4.5 months.  :)

This Smile

These Puppies

My precious nieces

Family Fun

Bocce Ball

Giggles and puppy play

Unconditional Love

That’s right – I have a whole lot of GOOD to look forward to – and although I may be missing out on some of it at the moment – it will be waiting for me when I finish here in Australia.

My adviser has been talking to me a lot about refocusing unconscious situational judgments.

I do it ALL of the time.  “Ooh – I missed out on that” instead of “Sweet! I can’t wait for next time!”  Or “Last semester SUCKED!” instead of “Last semester was a good growing experience.” AAANNNDDD I refer to 6 months ago as “when I was fat” when I only weighed 7lbs more than I do now!!  Problems??  I think so.

My adviser ALSO talked to me about learning to FEEL small emotions instead of rationalizing them away.

I’m the queen of logic.  Yes-sir-ee-bob! I sure am!  And guess what??

Emotions aren’t logical!!

So although I tease a lot about “hating” this or being “bugged” by that – I usually rationalize away my feelings and never take the time to ACCEPT that I feel this way.  It’s ok if this sounds confusing – it is.  :)  But the jist of it is that although I use exaggerated negative language to describe situations – I never actually ACKNOWLEDGE my feelings about the situation.  Of course exaggerations aren’t to be taking seriously and I never take my feelings that seriously either.

Anyway – I’m now working on this … and I’m just OVERJOYED about it.  ;)  HAHAHAHAHA!  teasing.

oh and I’m sorry if I haven’t commented for awhile!!  I am still a faithful reader to the people I follow – I just haven’t had time to comment. :)  I will be fixing this!!

Day 39-41

Bleeding Love COVER by Mystery Jets – LOVE IT!!

Why is THIS all worth it?  Why??

(You can substitute the word THIS for many, many things – having your heart broken, deciding to get a much-needed divorce, working through your problems with a friend, recovering from an eating disorder, recovering from depression, dealing with hardships of school, life and life’s hardships in general, being nice to people who are mean, working at a crap job, etc – I think most people have a THIS – and what I’m about to say should apply to most of it.)

So seriously – Why is THIS all worth it?  Why are these challenges and heartaches worth it?? Why bother??

The blog I read was searching for meaning in the hardship – a meaning for the end result – a meaning for the acceptance/recovery/healing/hardwork.  And that’s when I found myself answering a question I’ve so often asked myself – why is it worth it?  Why continue?  Why push on?  Why NOT give up??  Well … because:

It IS worth it – but you have to change the goal.

Here’s an elaborated version of the comment I left:

When I start thinking about it all being ‘worth it’ then – if I’m not careful – I quickly revert back to old habits or want to give up. I KNOW what I’m getting myself into with old habits – but who knows what the future holds?  The future could be WORSE. – or it could be just as bad – but with a lot of extra heartache.

It is then – when I’m lucky and am able to step back a bit from my troubles – that I look at that question a little more closely.

Who knows what the future holds??

No one. And isn’t that a grand thing?

The future is ours for the shaping.

Maybe the goal shouldn’t be the end result or finish line.  Maybe we should stop looking at “when I finally recover” or “when I finally leave him” or “eventually I’ll be over my eating disorder.” Sure it’s good to have hope for a brighter tomorrow – but life is about so much more than this.

Life is the experiences along the way – the detours, the speed bumps and sometimes?

Sometimes life is even about the stop signs.

Look – I’m not saying life is great.  Life kinda sucks!!  And I DEFINITELY haven’t wanted many of the experiences I’ve had – image issues, divorce, the death of loved ones… and has any of that been “worth it”??  H.E.DOUBLE NO.  or for those of you who don’t speak fake swear words – that’s a big HELL NO.

But that’s when my conscience kicks in with an old saying:

“Life isn’t about learning to weather the storms – it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

We can’t control all of the storms that come our way – but we can control our attitude and our courage. If the point of it all is not recovery in itself but instead the challenge of accepting these trials while smiling through them – even when you want to give up – well that right there is something.
I totally understand the whole – “Yeah but WHY would I choose to go through this when I don’t HAVE to?”
WWWWEEELLLLL – life is about progressing – stagnancy gets you no where. :) You won’t learn a whole lot if you wallow in your misery or give up.  But if you move forward:
you challenge yourself,
you learn,
you grow,

you LIVE.

WHY BOTHER??
Because it’s a challenge, an opportunity for learning and growth and a way to experience life and ALL of life’s emotional intensity. It’s not about the destination – no no – it’s about the journey. And if you make the JOURNEY the meaning – then regardless of the outcome – it WILL be worth it.

Pics of the day – 9, 10 and 11

Hello!  It’s your conscience here – but you PROLLY already knew that.  It’s just … well … I hate to interrupt your normal bloginess but … well … we need to talk.  You know your little horoscope project?  The one that you were like, “OMGOSH THIS IS SO SUPER EXCITING – I’m going to do it for A WHOLE MONTH.”  Yeah – that project.

I’m just a conscience so I won’t tell you this was a great idea in theory but a crap idea at the beginning of a semester – no no – I’ll just stick to what is RIGHT and what is WRONG.  Ok ok – actually I’m just going to stick with what is WRONG.

Umm Hello??  Who woke up on the crabby side of the bed today??  And then blared “hot dog” by Limp Bizkit on repeat because it’s a REALLY angry song??  I know – you listened to Linkin Park, NIN and Papa Roach too … but you get what I’m saying.

Today’s task was ” … is not about escaping from your daily routine; it’s about developing a more spiritual approach to what you must do.”

Now tell me Daisy – do you think Limp Bizkit and hearing the F word screamed like 40 kajillionbillion times helped you develop a more spiritual approach??

Moving on … I was proud of you for answering the phone when No. Sydney called – but you could have handled the fact THAT HE ONLY CALLED YOU BECAUSE HE NEEDED TECHNICAL WEB HELP better.  Did you REALLY need to switch to depressing music and listen to THAT on repeat too??

I think you went into today’s horoscope with a negative attitude (for proof please see your post yesterday) AAANNNDDD I think you shouldn’t do that again.  You’re never going to achieve the random wisdom/growth you were hoping a project like this could provide give you if you HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE!!!

SHAPE UP!!

Sincerely yours,

~Your Conscience

HOLY CRAP is my conscience mean or what?? So to help me snap out of my funk – I went to class and really tried to EXPERIENCE class.  My teacher is crazy – I took lots of notes – and I even played a game of Hangman – why?  Because life is about living, loving and laughing :) And living means being PRESENT – so I was present in class – and felt the feelings of the first day of school, noticed my friends in class, remembered what it felt like to be in high school.  And when I took a bathroom break and had to walk down a long corridor which was TWENTY DEGREES COLDER than my classroom – then walk down a weird dingy and poorly lit staircase to get to the bathroom … and when inside of the bathroom it was dark, old and there were small child sized watering cans in every stall … and the water to wash up was placed at a level below my knees … I experienced it.  I imagined the ghosts haunting the halls – I shivered – I lived.

Today did have a rough start.  And to be honest – it’s had a rough ending as well.  But I FELT my day today.  And as much as my conscience would like to say I did a half-assed job – at the end of the day I think experiencing life at a heightened sense of perception/observation/feeling surprisingly satisfies my horoscope.

Today – I LIVED

for better and for worse.

Day 5/365

or something like that …

Do things happen for a reason?

Who knows for sure – but looking back on the past year of my life I can tell you I can kind of see how lucky I am to have had the trials and difficulties I once hated.  It’s been a crazy path – a tearful journey – and also lots of fun!!!  I’ve grown so much – even my family has noticed!!  And I want to give a shout out to all of my bloggy friends, all of my new friends in Sydney, all of my old friends in Utah and … I think it’s time to give a special shout out to North Sydney – my BFF in Australia.

Thank you – all of you!!

You make my life brighter. :)

And now – back to that special shout out to my Aus-BFF … remember CommitmentPhobe?  No?  That’s ok.  He was the first man to sweep me off my feet in Australia.  Charming – hot – romantic – I was scared and when he gave me flowers I left them at his house. GASP!!!!  Daisy how could you??

I know – I know … but I was scared.  I wasn’t ready for a relationship and really?  He wasn’t either.  So we became friends.  And now?  One whole year later we’re the best of friends.  I absolutely adore him.  And it’s driving me crazy that I haven’t seen him for FIVE WEEKS!!!  FIVE WEEKS!!!!  I think it bothered him as well … not only did he complain about the length of my trip but he scheduled my first Saturday night home well in advance.  lol.  I talked to him yesterday (the day I arrived) and I told him I want as much of his Saturday as I can have.  He laughed – but I think he feels the same way.

Friends and family are the spice of life – they give a dreary day a spark of color, a dash of flavor/flavour.

And you know what?  That’s something to smile about.

I was pretty down on myself for not having a concrete 5 year plan.  So – I created one this past week.  And then I remembered the reason why I didn’t have one in the first place!!  lol.

Haha!  Just teasing.  It surely IS useful to have a general idea about where one would like to be in the future.  And I think it would be terrible to pick a path that leads to a terrible outcome.  The journey is often more important than the destination – but if that journey leads you to the middle of the desert, 1000 miles away from the nearest living person, with no cellphone, no food, no water and no transportation – well that journey is what I like to call a WASTE OF TIME!

or is it?

What if you had one crazy wild ride to get there?  What if in the course of your trip to the desert you found true love and had accomplished all of your life goals?  Sure you are there – in the middle of nowhere – but you’ve fulfilled your life’s purpose – you can rest in peace.  And if that’s the case, maybe it wasn’t a waste of time at all.

Sure so ok – I now have a 5 year plan.  I have goals and a bit of direction.  But the reality is that as long as I’m following my heart and the road is pleasant – I think I’m inclined to agree with Henry James.  I don’t care where I end up as long as I am making the most of what I’m given along the way.

I really do HEART ² squared “Aha!” moments.  It’s like having a dirty window suddenly wiped clean with windex.  And I probably should have been more poetic.  How about this.  It was as if her thick mask of confusion was suddenly whisked away.  A new world was opened and she could see her past mistakes with a sharper clarity than she had dared to hope.  Tomorrow would be different.  Tomorrow she would face the world with a new perspective.  A perspective that would grant her greater freedom to trust herself and arm her with the tools …. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!   just kidding.

But seriously – drama aside – that kinda IS what my “aha!” moment did for me.  And it was ALL thanks to my mom. YAY for moms!  She helped me figure out 2 things.

1. Even though it’s great that I ask for advice and am always looking for better ways to BE, I need to stop.  EVERYONE has a different opinion.  EVERYONE has different advice.  And I will ALWAYS be “wrong” if I’m trying to BE everyone’s ideals at once.

2.  Most of my friends are boys and well …  Mom put it best: “Stop letting boys tell you how to be a girl!”

SO – For the next 36 days I’m going on a fast.  A fast from advice about feelings.  It’s time to stop holding myself to other people’s standards – especially when those standards are from a BOY.  I’m a girl. (no really?) and more than that – I’m ME.  Daisy.  A procrastinating, obsessive over-achiever who is a bit over-zealous, a touch too exuberant, addicted to chocolate and who over-shares and talks a lot.  I’m not perfect.  And I’m an INTENSE person.  I FEEL things intensely.  It’s who I am – it’s part of me.  I can’t be anyone else and I can’t feel anyone else’s feelings.  The only person who can really tell me how I should feel is ME.

And I feel pretty good about that.

“Far far, there’s this little girl, she was praying for something to happen to her.  Everyday she writes words and more words just to spit out the thoughts that keep floating inside.

“How can you stay outside?  There’s a beautiful mess inside.

“Far far, there’s this little girl, she was praying for something good to happen to her. From time to time there are colors and shapes, dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands. They invent her a new world.

“How can you stay outside? There’s a beautiful mess inside.

“Far far there’s this little girl, she was praying for something big to happen to her.  Every night she hears beautiful strange music, it’s everywhere. There’s nowhere to hide.

“Just look at yourself now, deep inside, deeper than you ever dared.
There’s a beautiful mess inside.”

~Yael Naim ~ “Far Far”

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