I really do HEART ² squared “Aha!” moments.  It’s like having a dirty window suddenly wiped clean with windex.  And I probably should have been more poetic.  How about this.  It was as if her thick mask of confusion was suddenly whisked away.  A new world was opened and she could see her past mistakes with a sharper clarity than she had dared to hope.  Tomorrow would be different.  Tomorrow she would face the world with a new perspective.  A perspective that would grant her greater freedom to trust herself and arm her with the tools …. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!   just kidding.

But seriously – drama aside – that kinda IS what my “aha!” moment did for me.  And it was ALL thanks to my mom. YAY for moms!  She helped me figure out 2 things.

1. Even though it’s great that I ask for advice and am always looking for better ways to BE, I need to stop.  EVERYONE has a different opinion.  EVERYONE has different advice.  And I will ALWAYS be “wrong” if I’m trying to BE everyone’s ideals at once.

2.  Most of my friends are boys and well …  Mom put it best: “Stop letting boys tell you how to be a girl!”

SO – For the next 36 days I’m going on a fast.  A fast from advice about feelings.  It’s time to stop holding myself to other people’s standards – especially when those standards are from a BOY.  I’m a girl. (no really?) and more than that – I’m ME.  Daisy.  A procrastinating, obsessive over-achiever who is a bit over-zealous, a touch too exuberant, addicted to chocolate and who over-shares and talks a lot.  I’m not perfect.  And I’m an INTENSE person.  I FEEL things intensely.  It’s who I am – it’s part of me.  I can’t be anyone else and I can’t feel anyone else’s feelings.  The only person who can really tell me how I should feel is ME.

And I feel pretty good about that.

“Far far, there’s this little girl, she was praying for something to happen to her.  Everyday she writes words and more words just to spit out the thoughts that keep floating inside.

“How can you stay outside?  There’s a beautiful mess inside.

“Far far, there’s this little girl, she was praying for something good to happen to her. From time to time there are colors and shapes, dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands. They invent her a new world.

“How can you stay outside? There’s a beautiful mess inside.

“Far far there’s this little girl, she was praying for something big to happen to her.  Every night she hears beautiful strange music, it’s everywhere. There’s nowhere to hide.

“Just look at yourself now, deep inside, deeper than you ever dared.
There’s a beautiful mess inside.”

~Yael Naim ~ “Far Far”

[vodpod id=ExternalVideo.803442&w=425&h=350&fv=playerID%3D1%26bg%3D0xCDDFF3%26leftbg%3D0x357DCE%26lefticon%3D0xF2F2F2%26rightbg%3D0x64F051%26rightbghover%3D0x1BAD07%26righticon%3D0xF2F2F2%26righticonhover%3D0xFFFFFF%26text%3D0x357DCE%26slider%3D0x357DCE%26track%3D0xFFFFFF%26border%3D0xFFFFFF%26loader%3D0xAF2910%26soundFile%3Dhttp%253A%2F%2Fmaren.ru%2Fmp3%2Fyael_naim-far_far.mp3]

I could recite some scholarly psychological reasons for my lack of direction, I could offer some heart-wrenching excuses – but the fact of the matter is – doing such will not get me any closer to finding my life’s compass than I was before.  And this is a very big problem.

I began my Australian journey long before I had ever considered Sydney as a place to live.  It began with a sense of unrest.  An unspoken yet annoyingly nagging feeling that I needed to be somewhere else, doing something else.  I didn’t know where, I didn’t know what, I didn’t know why or how.  I only knew that 1. change was necessary, 2. it needed to be big, and 3. it needed to be international.

Other than this my only main life goals were a post-graduate education and hopefully a job doing something I enjoy.  So that was it.  I tried to envision a more concrete “5 year plan” like WHAT I should major in or WHAT I would like to do as a career but I didn’t even know if I liked sushi, or what was my favorite flavor of gelato!  Not that this mattered – the point was I had no idea what I wanted.  It seems a funny thing happens when the unexpected becomes the goal – suddenly it becomes very difficult to want or plan anything – those wants or plans can’t be “unexpected” if they’re planned can they?

So I strolled along the avenues of my life, searching for open doors to take me from my street into a world unknown.  I figured eventually I’d discover a path and it would just “work out.”  When I found the door to Australia open, I ran inside and locked the door behind me.  No turning back.

INTERMISSION:  I’ve decided to fulfill my promise and post pics from SYTYCD!!!  Be warned – they’re pretty flippin amazing – though the end of the slideshow got a little messed up – but hey – c’est la vie.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xer812o26tk]

Ok – back to it.  There was just one little problem – I still had no idea what I was going to do.  I only knew WHERE I was going to do “it.”  I had reached my “goal” – big, international change with a bonus helping of post-graduate education – but I had no direction.  Peace and Conflict seemed a noble and worthwhile goal – until I discovered that the walls of that hallway were painted with hypocrisy, agendas, and lack of structure.

I backed out of that one and thought “Hmm – Digital Communication sounds nice.  Digital IS the way of the future and communication is my thing.”  But today as I was doing my research I was told DO NOT MAJOR IN ANYTHING COMMUNICATION- or at least not if you have to pay for it.  My source was quite reputable, he recently retired from being the President of a broadcasting company.  His opinion is that my degree would be the worst investment and biggest waste of money ever.  How’s that for reassuring?

MINI BREAK Here is a clip from the show … watch for us on the lefthand balcony of the stage.  This was my fave performance and you can totally see us!!!  Here is Gianne and BJ.  (skip to like 1 minute in to avoid the boring talking part.)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mI78q-9YY4U]

And now I’m left wondering what the use of goals are if you have no direction.  And though of course, indirectly, the whole purpose of this “unexpected” thing was to discover my unexpected but entirely desirable “direction in life” – but I fear I’m as far away from that goal as I ever have been.

I guess the good news is that along the way I’ve learned some pretty amazing things and revived a few old goals – like the whole R word which leads to the L word which leads to the M word (shudder) I didn’t have that in the 5, 10 OR 20 year plan – NOW – well … I am still not planning on it – but I definitely wouldn’t mind considering it.

WHICH BTW – The FM gave me a spreadsheet-ish breakdown of the differences between a DB (like Captain Charisma or U.D.B.) and a nice guy (like the dude from the party on Sunday or potentially CC+4 or Ben but since FM hasn’t met those boys he isn’t willing to call them nice yet.)  SO I will post the differences tomorrow. 

As well as my view of boys who use emoticons.

AND TO MAKE THIS THE LONGEST POST IN THE WORLD (not so large exaggeration) here’s a sucky one in which we are in MOST of …  Talia and Emmanuel (skip like before …)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9Jn4qDt9wY]

`

8 weeks.

It took 8 weeks.

I’ve been faced with a whole lot of feelings today.  I hate feelings.  I didn’t hate feelings when I was always suppressing them.  But suppressing feelings isn’t healthy and I’ve vowed to correct this flaw. So now I’m sitting here eating a whole lot of carrots wondering about my feelings.

I feel hurt by LOSER even though I knew he was a loser and he failed the kiss test. Then Dance Dance failed the movie test which is totally a deal breaker.  He also failed the kiss test.  And that’s a bigger deal breaker.  My date tomorrow has already failed because he reminds me too much of MIUB.   And MIUB is as self-absorbed as ever and yet I find it strangely appealing.  (oh and btw – he aced the kiss test with flying colors.  ERR!)

And then all of the sudden I’ve realized I have strong likes and dislikes.  I’ve lived such a people pleasing life that it’s hard for me to be assertive about my likes, dislikes and needs.  But now that I recognize them I have to act on them.  And that’s a lot harder than I thought. And Dr. Sarcastic from Sydney changed my life because he made me acknowledge and admit out loud some of my fears – fears that are irrational.  And that means I have to do something about them.  And that’s hard too.

And the biggest feeling of all?  The one I’ve been suppressing for 2 years?  I don’t know what happens to people after they die.  And I’ve never really accepted or recovered from my brother’s untimely death at the age of 29 just two years ago.

Oh and I don’t have a 5 year plan.  I don’t even really have a 1 year plan either.  My only plan is to go back to Sydney (maybe) and finish a Masters in some form of English (hopefully.)  After that I have nothing.  And I think this is a really bad thing.

What better way to inspire/encourage a little melancholy than to watch The Holiday on a bitterly cold, incredibly wintry night.  Sure it’s supposed to be a feel good, warm and fuzzy movie but when you connect with the characters – the one-sided love affair of Iris – the emotional unavailability of the jaded Amanda – it becomes more sobering than heart warming.  Instead of happy tears at the ending, you feel their prick when statements hit too close to home.

I’ve found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said “Journeys end in lovers meeting.” What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

To have a journey end in a meeting one would have to be prepared to take a chance on the new joint venture/journey.  But not just ONE of the people – both have to.  That would require a lot of faith, optimism, and trust.  Is that even possible?

Because you’re hoping you’re wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she’s no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she’s not for you.

I understand this feeling all too well.  It’s the reason I stopped dating in January 2008 – I went on a boy fast/diet.  I made one too many excuses for one too many men.  I had to break away from it to establish clarity.

So why did I choose to watch this tonight?  Probably for the same reason I chose to skip all the weekend parties and spend a Friday night with my brother’s family instead (which that was delightful btw – homemade popcorn, wonderful company and a niece whose smile brightens up any room.)   There’s a lot going on in my world right now.  A lot of choices and a lot of changes.  I’m moving back to Sydney.  My life is chaotic – I have no interest in parties and superficial relationships in Utah.   I finally think I’m looking for something substantial and since that won’t be found here, I have no desire to waste my time – time that could be spent surrounded by people and animals that love me.  It feels good to be loved.  And it feels good to love in return.   And it feels good to have these priorities.

Granted, I am the common denominator in the break-ups – or am I?  YES!  But it’s not as simple as that.  I think it’s also possible that I keep meeting guys that suck – and that makes them also a common factor in this twisted math relationship.  Wahoo!  Avoiding responsibility is fun!

I’m kidding – kind of.  I’m reading this book on boundaries and I’ve realized I need to do some serious work on mine.  In that sense it is ME that is the problem.  However, as I struggle to firm up my boundaries and as I work on having the courage to enforce my boundaries I’ve also realized I’ve taken too much of the blame.

I’ve always shouldered 100% of the responsibility in any potential relationship that didn’t work out.  That’s right.  And it’s not just the line, “It’s not you, it’s me” either.  I actually take the responsibility to heart.  In my happy rainbow land I believed that I should be able to like and get along with any person in the world.  Matty Matt reminds me continuously that I don’t have to like everyone (I’ve already accepted that not everyone will like me.)  And what’s more – he says I don’t have to have a reason for not liking someone.  He says if I just don’t “feel it” with someone then it’s ok.  I don’t need to feel guilty.  I can’t wrap my head around that entirely but I also recognize he’s over-simplifying things for me because I martyr myself over every person I don’t like.  I feel SO guilty that I trap myself into being with that person even MORE because I’m crazy and think I owe them penance or something for feeling they aren’t that great.

This has to stop.  Why?  Because maybe it IS them.  Maybe it’s not me.  Maybe they really aren’t that great.  I think it’s time to give MY feelings more credit.

You know what this means? It means I’m a somebody. Yep. : ) I’m NOT a cookie-cutter nobody. Nope! I’m a unique somebody. And that’s pretty sweet.

Except today I heard this song on the radio that told me I’m a nobody. That wasn’t very nice. I really try my hardest to always listen to the things that are being sung JUST TO ME on the radio. Yeah that’s right. The songs on the radio are sung JUST FOR ME! Because I’m a somebody. Well – I was until TODAY.

Today I heard the Nickelback song “Gotta Be Somebody” and it told me this,

“Nobody wants to be the last one left (? ) Everyone wants to feel that someone cares. Someone blah blah blah something about having someone have your life to hold (DUMB!). Cuz nobody wants to do it on their own. Everyone wants to know they’re not alone. Somebody else who feels the same somewhere…” blah blah blah something else dumb about finding your soul mate.

The rest doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I am now officially a nobody and that sucks because I THOUGHT I was a somebody who was part of “everyone” – except I’m not. 

BUT… BUT… BUT…

Mrs. Webster told me I’m unique!!!

Whatever. I can be a nobody.

I do like knowing I’m not alone. I do like knowing there are other people in this great big world who feel the same things I do, and laugh at the same dumb jokes. It makes me feel good inside. But I don’t need or want that in the realm of a relationship nor am I searching for a soul mate (which is what the Nickelback song is about.)

So I’m going to be a somebody nobody. Or a somebody who is a nobody. And since there aren’t very many people who are nobodies (because if we’re LOGICAL we know no one can really be a nobody) I think then that the fact that I AM a nobody means I’m EXTRA unique (though that isn’t logically possible either)

So yeah. I’m basically saying I’m an extra unique somebody who is a nobody. And that’s pretty sweet.

So it would be a bit unusual to discover that two mentally healthy people had chosen to sink with an Amtrak train. (Associated Press, September 15, 1993) Why did they do this?

Because it was either save their daughter or save themselves.

Ah. You understand now.

We all understand “love” to be an overriding factor. Love has the power to make us ignore every biological instinct.

Daniel Goleman in Emotional Intelligence (the book I happen to be reading right now) acknowledges that according to evolutionary biologists this choice of the parents to save their child could be seen as the need to preserve “reproductive success” but he argues back with a big fat NO.

“Only potent love – the urgency of saving a cherished child – could lead a parent to override the impulse for personal survival. Seen from the intellect, their self-sacrifice was arguably irrational; seen from the heart, it was the only choice to make.”

What he is referring to when he says “arguably irrational” is the fact that the daughter was confined to a wheelchair with a case of cerebral palsy. But again, even with this new piece of information, most would agree that “seen from the heart, it was the only choice to make.”

And that makes me wonder about the L word. If we define love as an emotion that has the power to override the survival instinct – I wonder how many people we truly LOVE.

Love’s a big word. How many people do you think you really LOVE?

Me? I love my family and a few friends who are like family. I also love my puppies. I’d do anything to keep those little girls safe and happy.

Ok so I feel comfortable accepting that people LOVE other people. But what about being IN LOVE? How does LOVE relate to being IN LOVE?

Somewhere over the years I kinda sorta stopped believing in the whole cosmic “I love you pookie wookie” bit.

Who even says pookie wookie? NOT ME!

And this is kinda sorta why I don’t want a relationship. Relationships lead to the M word, and if there is no such thing as the L word with regard to the whole R (relationship) word – why bother?

And before you say it Mom or Dad – I know YOU TWO love each other – but you may be an exception to the rule.

So please don’t hold me to it, but I think it was about 3 weeks ago when I met up with My Flattie and we did 4 km of walking in the sand on Bondi Beach.  A couple days later, just in time for my newly painful shin splints to put a significant damper on my catwalk, I decided, in complete stupidity, to walk the 2 km from school to the train station because ya know … it’s FUN for every step to hurt.

Halfway to the station I decided it was time for a little detour.  My backpack was making me sweat (eew gross!) and my shins had begun screaming at me umm … right … moving on…

What I meant to say is a bookstore, with a golden halo hovering delightfully along the perimeter, called out my name. “Daisy! Daisy! You MUST visit me.”  Who am I to decline an offer from an angel?

And that’s when I discovered “Popular Penguins.”  And a light shone down from the heavens like “aaahhhh” and … hey listen – I told you in the last post I’m going crazy.

Ok so for real though – yo – I’m totally digging the “Popular Penguins.”  And as much as I joke about divine intervention … I do believe that life has a funny way of teaching you things. I will write more about it later but “The Consolations of Philosophy” by Alain De Botton was one of the books I bought that day at the bookstore and I have learned a LOT from it.  It’s fascinating and it is actually helping me cope with life so far away from home. I would have never discovered, read or bought the book if it were not for the joyous Popular Penguins – classic books at affordable prices.  And I would have never discovered the Popular Penguins if my brother hadn’t given me the heavy duty backpack, or if I hadn’t met up with My Flattie a few days before…

I think that’s pretty cool.

So to share with you one of the things I’ve recently learned from my new book, I present to you a quote from the great philosopher Schopenhauer:

Much would have been gained if through timely advice and instruction young people could have had eradicated from their minds the erroneous notion that the world has a great deal to offer them.

Oh yeah.  That’s right.

Third of Five Reflections

In an attempt to broaden the horizons of experience from which I pull inspiration for these journal entries, I flipped through the World News online. I have chosen to use our text and in-class discussions about anger, aggression, violence and relative deprivation to analyze the attacks in Orissa. My source for information is The New York Times.

The New York Times suggests the new outburst of direct violence has roots in cultural and structural violence. The direct violence blamed for initiating the attacks against Christians was when an anti-missionary Hindu leader, in an act of proactive aggression, was allegedly killed by Maoists but suspected to have been killed by Christians. The reactive aggression from the Hindu camp was to burn down over 500 Christian homes and kill at least 16 people.

The cultural violence may be argued to be manifest within both the Christian and Hindu camps as each preaches the other is wrong. The structural violence appears to be found in the economic boom India is currently experiencing as well as the caste system. According to the article:

The violence … appears to have been fueled, at least in part, by discontent at a time when the gap between India’s haves and have-nots is growing. Orissa has long suffered from government neglect, and Christian missionaries provide services, including schooling, much better than most residents receive from the government. While that has caused friction before, the stakes are higher now that better-educated people have more of a chance of joining the economic boom.

Christian missionaries in India have focused on indigenous and lower-caste groups, including untouchables, or Dalits. Despite laws dating almost from Indian independence, Dalits are often discriminated against or worse. They are sometimes denied basic amenities, such as clean water; relegated to hazardous jobs; and raped or killed because of their social status.

… Christian education often includes classes in English, which are crucial for anyone who wants to join India’s service businesses or to break into even the lowest levels of the information technology industry fueling much of India’s growth.

Anger over the death of a beloved leader may have been a primary motivating factor in the aggressive attacks of violence by the Hindus against the Christians. Relative Deprivation may have been a latent cause as well. Hindus expect a share in the wealth of the nation yet their capability to receive an education which would increase the likelihood of their achieving their expectations is handicapped by the fact that a good education is often only offered by Christians.

If we approach the conflict as being deep-rooted and not necessarily only caused by the unfortunate murder of the Hindu leader, we are able to suggest possible evidence to support the theory of relative deprivation. Interpersonal values, of which relative deprivation may take root, include: “the sense of certainty that derives from shared adherence to beliefs about the nature of society and one’s place in it…” A deeper analysis of the anti-missionary view which many Hindus share, in relation to interpersonal values, uncovers the possibility that Hindus expect that they deserve and have the right to more than Dalits. It is their place in society. When this expectation is not met and the Dalits have more personal and societal opportunities for value-enhancing action than the Hindus, the potential for collective violence among the Hindus and the intensity of the RD increases. In addition, the prolonged frustration of not having easy access to education could also contribute to the likelihood of aggression and violence.

Does the shield of searching for peace lend itself as a cover for finger-pointing and hate? Am I the only person who notices the obvious hypocrisy because I’m the only one outside of it? Does entrenching yourself in “peace” actually make you blind to your own hate?

Mugatu may have been one evil dude but at least he saw it like it is. Le Tigre, Ferrari, Blue Steel – they all were the same face in Zoolander. He wasn’t taking crazy pills.

Hate is hate is hate is hate. No academic label is going to change that.

Mugatu