If you want to increase your odds of success when hitting on me DO NOT:

• spill your drink on me.
• step in front of my male friends who are talking to me because you think they are a threat.  I am not your prey you stupid pig.  [insert fake but sweet smile]
• repeat yourself over and over and over and over and over again.
• have wandering hands after I have REPEATEDLY TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF YOU STUPID SWEARWORD!
• talk to me after you’ve drank so much that you’re an idiot (giving you the VERY GRACIOUS benefit of the doubt that you MAY have not already been an idiot before the drinks.)
• mention, suggest or use the words -fate, destiny, kismet, karma, fortune- or anything that even resembles any of those words when speaking about our recent introduction.
• tell me you’d like to apologize for your outrageous behavior and then try to kiss me.
• blame your unacceptable behavior on the alcohol.  I met a nice hottie last weekend who had been drinking but was still respectful.
• continue to attempt to kiss me even though I asked you to please stop trying to kiss me.
• grab my arms and forcefully prevent me from walking away.
• forcefully kiss me.
• And last but not least – don’t be a mother effin’ jack@$#!!!!

I know I lived in a little bubble back home.  And I understand that my old school traditional upbringing has left me a little naive and ill suited for the REAL world.  I probably should have seen all of the above coming tonight – but I didn’t. And yes it all happened.  And yes it made me upset.

I broke down and saw an international student counselor at school 2 weeks ago.  Things haven’t felt right for awhile and I wanted suggestions to deal with the stress.  Want to know what she said to me?  “I don’t normally advise this.  But in your case, maybe going home wouldn’t be such a bad idea.  It’s worth considering.”

I didn’t want to hear that.

So we’ll pretend she didn’t say it- at least for now.  Instead let’s focus on the fun part of my day – here are a couple pics from my first experience at the races.

Me and my FM – yay!!  He’s a blast.

This is a new friend from school – she’s an absolute doll!

Ok so there was no way I was going to lift that thing.  What if something was LIVING beneath the floor? GROSS!  I showed Bonnie Lad (my other flatmate) and he was like “areshyee beyoddle” which I think was Irish for “Should we open it?”  And I was like, “No” and he was like, “tottlesee dee meedoddle” and that meant “I’m going to open it anyway.”  And he did!  And guess what was there? I’m not sure.  But it freaked us both out.  I think there’s like a TUNNEL or something creepy and freaky underneath that panel.  It’s DEEP.  He shut the panel quickly and left to go on his date saying it would require more investigation tomorrow.

And now I’m left home alone in the house.  No doubt I’ll have nightmares about the people living under my floor that could pop up and zombify me at anytime.  I don’t want to be a zombie.  I wouldn’t mind being a vampire - but please not a zombie.

Darn my curiosity!  And darn my imagination! And stupid floor panel that’s hiding whoknowswhat underneath it.  Not cool. Sooooo not cool.

Next up was La Cita – a salsa club – where I ran into BFA.  CRAZY!  And now I have Sunday morning plans – YAY!!!

Ok so that was the blah blah blah bit of this blog. Now let’s get down to business.  I was scammed at the salsa club. [insert frustration - boys are so dumb!]  Ok so the dude was cute enough to dance with – he had moves – whatever.  The song was reggaeton salsa and because I’m naive I believed him when he said the steps were different.

Soon enough he had us spinning faster than I could wrap my head around.  I was able to keep up but halfway through the song I got DIZZY.  Say what?  He wouldn’t stop.  I told him I was getting dizzy – we were going soooo fast – he had me waaayyy too close – he just kept us spinning and spinning and spinning – AND THEN HE TRIED TO FRENCH KISS ME!  [insert "Oh h.e.double no" and complete disgust.]  And yes I DID say to him, “What are you doing?  You can’t kiss me.” (the ‘pig’ part was in my head.)

FM explained the dizzy bit was on purpose in the hopes that I would be easier to make out with.  WHAT??  Wteff?  Seriously.  Wteff.  How dumb am I?  I didn’t even know people did stuff like that.  Who teaches a girl a pretend dance and then tries to make her dizzy to make out with her?

Maybe I should write that dude back from the link up site which will remain nameless and tell him that I’m not married because men are DUMB.

In other news – which at this point seems almost ridiculous for me to announce – I’m going to go speed dating.  Oh yes.  So excited.

Here’s the timeline of trouble:

• It started with an ocean adventure last May. I got sea sick, went below deck to vomit and discovered a toilet full to the brim of you don’t even want to know what.  Gag me!  Oh wait – I was about to throw up anyway!  My friend graciously handed me a bucket – yes a bucket – so that I could throw up in that – so exciting.  But that’s not the best part!!!  We hit a pretty big swell and I was THROWN to the side of the bathroom – did you remember the toilet was full?
• Not a month later I found myself LOCKED in a public bathroom stall in a deserted bathroom.  I literally POLICE KICKED THE DOOR to no avail. I was trapped.  Trapped in a PUBLIC, DESERTED BATHROOM STALL.
• Next there was the moth.  The horrible HUGE BLACK KILLER MOTH.   I was terrified to use the bathroom at work for days.  And then when I snuck to another floor to use their bathroom I found myself in a men’s bathroom.  AGH!
• And let’s not forget the time I discovered a black spider crawling up my bare thigh in my bathroom, or the time I was about to get in the shower (translation: I wasn’t wearing any clothes) and had to stand on top of the toilet to kill a poisonous spider, but slipped, fell and dropped the last and only roll of toilet paper (my weapon of choice) into the running shower.
• In addition, it would be remiss of me to leave out the time when I was “stuck with my pants down tinkling on the toilet when a cockroach so large it should really be displayed in a museum came within inches of my toes.”  Oh yes.
• So it’s time to confront the demon.  The bathroom demon.  About 2 weeks ago I walked out of a public bathroom and someone stopped me to tell me I had toilet paper stuck to my stiletto. HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is terrible right?  It gets worse – much worse.
• Yesterday there was a lizard in my bathroom.  THERE WAS A LIZARD IN MY BATHROOM!!!! I’ll admit it was small – but that kind of made it worse!!!  Especially because it didn’t look like a normal lizard.  This lizard was JET BLACK and SLIMY.  It looked like a worm with legs.  I hate worms.  And my clairvoyance told me it wanted to burrow under my skin.

So – Mr. Bathroom Demon (who my flatmate says is named Helga … say what?) ok so Ms. Bathroom Demon – I admit you exist.  And now that I’ve acknowledged my demon I’m pretty sure fireworks are supposed to fly from the sky and whisk my demon away.

Hmm …

Nothing’s happened yet. Self-help section here I come!

They’re calling it Australia’s Darkest Day because it is the worst natural disaster Australia has ever known.  Over 200 people have already died.  It’s so sad – and it was started by arson.

If you live in Australia and need to do some grocery shopping – WAIT! :)

If you shop at Coles on 13 Feb 2009 or at Woolworths on 20 Feb 2009 your grocery money can help those affected by the recent bushfires.

• Info on Coles Bushfire Appeal click HERE
• Info on Woolworths Backing Farmers Day click HERE

I LUV the Venus razor. It’s great right? Right! Well the other day I was going to wear a skirt to a club and though I had shaved my legs that morning with my trusty Venus – I wanted a fresh shave for the night. I didn’t have time to run home so I stopped off at the store and bought the necessary ingredients for a Vegas shave (lotion and a razor.) It works like a charm!

Or at least it does with the Venus.

I was in a hurry and just grabbed a cheap-o disposable razor because my girlfriend said it works just as well in a bind.

Umm …

WRONG!!!

I bet you already see where this is going! Did you see about 40 trillion gajillion little pricks of blood all over my cut-up legs? If you did then you must be psychic! Congrats! That’s a cool superhero power. And I bet you also saw that I would NOT be wearing a skirt because of it either. A great way to save time right? I got to waste even MORE time changing clothes!!!

Life lesson? Don’t trust the people who tell you cheap-o disposable razors are ok in a bind. It’s not true.

And on a positive note I felt like a pre-teen again shaving my legs for the first time. Ah – such happy – terrible horrible very traumatic – memories.  Hooray for me!

Oh and I don’t know why but I feel the need to tell you I’m in love with the song “Day N Nite (Crookers Remix)” by Kid Cudi.

It can’t be knocking.  My flatmates are all gone for the evening.  None of their friends would drop by unannounced.  This is what cellphones are for right?  I mean if someone needed to reach me they would surely call right?  No one surprise visits unless they are very familiar and anyone I’m very familiar with would call me after their initial knocks went unanswered.

I continue to ignore the noise.  It is definitely knocking.

It’s been over a minute now.  Surely whoever is there will get the hint and go away.

I call my flatmate.  “Umm … someone is knocking at the door but I’m not expecting anyone.  Are you expecting anyone?  Is there anyone you know who would drop by?  Because they just keep knocking at the door and they won’t go away…”

He replies, “Don’t answer the door.  Stay where you are.  Don’t go anywhere.  Whatever you do, don’t answer the door.  I’ll leave now, I can be there in 30 minutes.”

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK.  The knocking grows faster paced and more intense.  I freeze.  Something doesn’t feel right.  The knocking pauses.  I can hear my heart pounding.

It starts again.

My heart drops into my stomach.  Please, please stop knocking.  Please, please go away.  Deep breath.  I had forgotten to breathe.

My flatmate calls, “Is the knocking gone?  Don’t go outside until I get home ok?  I’ll be there soon.”

And now I wait. The knocking has stopped.  Deep breath.

A sudden unexpected memory.  “If you try and ignore me I know where you live,” he said to me. “I don’t have to answer the door,” I replied.  He smiled very calmly, “Yes but there’s always the window.”

What was that?  I must be imagining things.  There it is again.  Oh please… please make time hurry.  I look around.  There is definitely a new noise.  Oh no.  Oh please no.  Please, please, please no.  Please.

Why does it sound like there is someone outside of my window?

I’m too scared to look but I think I have to…