Ugh.

Anyway – back to the one sided convo – I’m good at these….

North Sydney got a similar email.  And no – I’m not bitter AT ALL!  nope nope nope – I’m in a FABULOUS mood.  hmphf!!

Want to know what I like to call a BIG SUCKS??  When I decide I’m into a dude only to decide I’m going to follow my horoscope for a month only to find out that my horoscope says we should JUST BE FRIENDS!!! Say WHHHAAAATTT???

Yeah – that’s what it said.  The EXACT words??  Beautiful Venus is quite active today in your 5th House of Love and Romance, possibly increasing your desire to spend quality time with someone you love. But there’s no need to add complex layers of attachment to a new or existing relationship, for the real gift of this transit is to bless you with the ability to live joyfully in the here and now.

Lame.  But at the same time??  True.  DANG IT!!!!

I DID spend quality time with North Sydney today.  Want to know what we talked about??  My feelings for CC+4.  Yes – go ahead and shake your fists at me – roll your eyes – whatever you must – but North Sydney kissed me the last time we hung out AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS??  He had another mini freak out and had to distance himself again in order to prevent himself from getting TOO close to me.  Whatever.  So since he was in super FRIEND zone he asked me to tell him the story about the cruise.  So I did.

—————-
Now playing: Kid Cudi – Day ‘N’ Nite (Crookers Remix)
via FoxyTunes

And THEN when I was FINALLY BRAVE ENOUGH

I told him that I can’t kiss him anymore if it’s going to make him withdraw from me.  The fact is that I adore him – I care about our friendship and I LOVE spending time with him.  And if he can’t do a relationship right now – ok.  I’d rather be his friend with no kissing than have him be so scared of getting close.

AND THEN I ASKED HIM WHY HE’S SCARED OF GETTING CLOSE TO ME

And he couldn’t answer that one.  So what did I do??  I kissed him goodbye – a good kiss.  ;)  And now he can think about it.  But the fact of it is – my horoscope is true – I should enjoy the time I spend with him and not worry about anything more.

at least for now …

—————-
Now playing: Hilary Duff – Reach Out (Bonus Track)
via FoxyTunes

Day 7/365  Reflections in the glass – a girl should always own a pearl necklace

AAANNNDDD  Reflections in my eyes … click HERE for the original size – you can see the green grass and the blue sky in my eyes

TODAY’s horoscope

You may become less confident as the day wears on, especially if you must show up at a big social event. But if you are able to steal away for a while, then you can emerge from your mini-retreat revitalized and ready to go back out for another round of battles with the status quo. Don’t be afraid of your own power, even if you think it’s wiser to wait for the right time to act.

Annnddd yahoo.com’s said something about taking time for myself and writing a list of “to dos”….

LESS CONFIDENT

I was pretty confident about life this morning but as luck would have it (or more likely as my subconscious would have it because I had already read the above horoscope) I DID lose confidence in myself as the day wore on.  WHAT??  Why would I ever do a thing like that?

Prolly because I realized I’m in some suck classes, the camera adds 10 lbs, I stuttered on TV today and I ran into TWO professors who gave me the pity look because they know about my stupid special consideration and swine flu last semester.

Yeah – that could be why.

Some ME Time

I was kind of excited that my horoscope encouraged a little ME time today but I wasn’t sure how I was going to fit it in – I had a full schedule today!!  After my first class I decided to skip class #2 because it sucks and I’m going to change it for a different one anyway … and I had a choice:

BUS OR WALK??

WALK of course!!  Why?  Because walking is ME time!!  YAY!!!  So I walked from Uni to Central and did some thinking – lots of thinking.  Mostly about the pavement, the cars driving by, the hotties in business suits – but ALSO about Uni, my list of things to do – and ok – that was about all.  Unless you count trying to decide whether or not to text/sms No. Syd and tell him about my day’s adventures as thinking – if you do? well then I thought about that a lot too.

I decided to text him – and got no reply.  And not that I’m getting ready to throw in the towel or anything but seriously – EVERY TIME I DECIDE I LIKE A GUY IT ENDS WITHIN LIKE A WEEK.  So I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if the Love Gods out there put a jinx on this whole thing – aw well.  Time will tell.

No backing out now!!

Even if things don’t work with No. Syd guess what?  I meant what I said about the taking a chance thing – no more negative nancy from me about relationships.  I am ready to put myself on the line – it may take a REALLY LONG time before I find someone that I want to commit to – it may take a REALLY LONG time before I start dating again … but I’m not going to be actively AGAINST it like I was.  In fact! I even replied to Adorable Boy’s (he was the reason I went on the cruise where I met CC+4) email today.  He wants to come visit.  I told him that’d be great.  And you know what will happen if Adorable Boy comes out to visit?  hee hee.  SPARKS WILL FLY!  :)

I HATE TOMORROW’s HOROSCOPE

I just want everyone to know that I already hate tomorrow’s horoscope.  WHY??  Because it is going to require super extra effort on my part to make it come true.  The task??  Find meaning in the mundane things you do.  And after the 2 page long TO DO list I made today of MUNDANE SUCK THINGS TO DO!!! Tomorrow is DEFINITELY going to be a challenge.

But the joy is in the challenge right??  :)

Whenever I reached the ultimate heights of boredom as a child I would recite, “I am slowly going crazy, crazy going slowly am I” over and over while I puttered around doing whatever it is I could find to do.  Aaannnndddd OMGOSH seriously – that sounds a lot worse than it really is.

No seriously.

WHAT??  You mean NORMAL people don’t do that?  WhatevvvvER.  Scott Pete sometimes did it too.  We’d recite it together and then get the giggles – yep yep.

I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY

True story – 5 minutes ago I bumped my bobby pin holder off my dresser.  I looked down and was like “What a mess.”  And then I said this outloud:

“Sweet!  At least I now have something to do for a minute.”

THAT’S RIGHT!  I talk to myself :)

But I think the most disturbing part of this story is not that I talk to myself but that I was actually happy to clean up a pile of bobby pins.

Before you think I’m TOO pathetic!!

It’s not that there aren’t things I COULD do – of COURSE there are things I could do.  It’s a matter of WANTING to do them.  I’ve done all of the boring stuff – unpacked, cleaned, made my bed – ya know – boring stuff.  And now?  I think I’ve done so many boring things that now I’m not just bored – now nothing even sounds fun!!  Lame.

Goss update:

#3 – sent me my phone via post – I thanked him via text (sms) and I think that’s the end of him.

CC+4 – I sent him this totally groovin’ ‘get your groove thang on’ song bcuz it’s SO HOT except I decided to ruin the song for him by telling him I think about him when I listen to it.  I feel mildly guilty for this – however the mild guilt does not suppress the devilish delight that makes me chuckle at the thought of it.  I will be going on another singles cruise in January – he’ll be there also – only time will tell if we’re ever cruise crushes again … but I doubt it.

Captain Charisma – OMGOSH!  We haven’t talked about him in a LLLLOOOOONNNNNGGGGG time.  But he’s back in the picture bcuz well – he’s hot and he likes American humor.  :)   Ok ok – also because I’m boyless and he always seems to be around when I am free.  :)

North Sydney – seeing him tomorrow – excited but a little nervous too.  AGH!

Work – they’re not giving casual workers any hours until October – so very quiet on that front.  However I went in to say hi and that was fun.

Ok – that’s enough out of me – I think I’ll play eyeshadow for a bit and then go buy nail polish remover.  Sweeeeeet.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?? *big smiley face*

It means I’m going to give you a debriefing on CC+4, #3 and that new Jordin Spark’s craptastic song that I downloaded because well – LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD – oh and I’m also going to explain why I am at war.

THAT’S RIGHT!  I’m AT WAR!!! … or at least my heart is …

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD

The song says “Don’t try to explain your mind I know what’s happening here.  One minute it’s love and suddenly it’s like the battlefield.  … I never meant to start a war.”

I’m trying to decide how to make this long story short – ah ha!  OUTLINE!!!

1. #3 calls and quizzes me on my “sportiness”
2. I wonder why the BLEEP he’s telling me he wants to get me into the gym
3. #3 confesses he thinks I’m wonderful
4. I say, “Yeah except you think I’m fat.”
5. #3 FREAKS OUT!!  He just wanted to spend quality time with me
6. I think “oopsie!”
7. #3 decides we don’t understand each other and wants to get to know the “real me”
8. #3 tries to upset me
9. I get upset
10. #3 drops the L bomb

#3 DROPS THE L BOMB!!!!!!

And then I say, “What?  No I don’t think so.  You can’t drop that on me right now while you’re PURPOSEFULLY TRYING TO MAKE ME UPSET!!”

He blah blah blahs some more and his phone dies.  And I’m left bewildered.

And then I went boating and well – see for yourself.  Me w/CC+4.

A picture speaks a thousand words.  And this pic in color – well – it speaks volumes.  Volumes and volumes.  It’s a great picture but I can’t go down this road again.  It hurt too much last time. He crushed me when suddenly stopped logging onto skype, stopped responding to emails – he deserted me.  And yet the feelings were instantly rekindled when I got home … but I don’t work that way.

I CAN’T TURN MY HEART OFF AND ON LIKE THAT!!!  And seeing him again … I can’t … I can’t.  I’m slipping – I have feelings for him.  But …

I can’t.  I really really can’t.  My heart can’t take it.  Not now – not when I’m supposed to leave in a week.  Not when #3 is dropping the L bomb on me.  Not when – well – not now.

My life is in Syndey now right?  I live there.  It’s where I’m supposed to be.

right ?

And I REALLY like #3.

So CC+4 – well … maybe I need to let him go.  Figuratively of course.  I need to tell my heart to let him go.  I need to focus on what’s REAL. And although my feelings for him are most definitely real – CC+4 has not done anything to lead me to believe he has any intentions for long term.  And if I can fully let him go – my heart will have no strings holding it back from #3.

I guess that settles things.  I have feelings for #3.  I have feelings for CC+4.  #3 has feelings for me.  CC+4 – ??  #3 wants a relationship.  CC+4 and I live 8,000 miles apart.  And now I just have to convince myself that spending time with CC+4 will do nothing but make the break in my heart more painful when I leave.  It’s time to let go.

But … if that’s the case – why does my heart feel this way??

That should kill two birds with one stone METAPHORICALLY that is – I’m not really into the whole throwing rocks at cute little creatures that better NEVER EVER ever EVER touch me because they’re cute to THINK about but WAAAY too scary to touch. 

Yeah – that’s about right.  Metaphorically I think all of my problems are solved.  (is it still opposite day?)

Toothbrush Tree is an edgy girl band with a passion for payback.  With track names like, “You’re my number one DB” and “You’ve been played – playa” to “I don’t get jealous” and “Take your double standards and shove em” you experience firsthand how these girls play the game.  Toothbrush Tree takes bitter lyrics and mixes them with booty shakin’ bass lines and groovin’ tempos so that sass and scorn never sounded better!  Before you know it you’re singing along to “I hate you.  Yes, yes I do.  You say wha? wha? I don’t care.  JustbcuzIkissedya doesn’t mean Iwannaknowya.”

• Vogue Magazine called it “Empowering album for any woman who has ever felt neglected or scorned.”
• Women’s Health raved, “Best new workout album for the summer.  Getting in shape as revenge against your ex never felt so good.”

It started while lead singer Daisy was living abroad in Sydney.  “I was fed up with the double standard.  I like to kiss boys.  I like to date.  I like to play.  But this doesn’t mean I fall in love with every guy I crush on.  This album was a way for me to explore the nature of double standards and men whose egos can barely fit into an auditorium.”

“The name ‘Toothbrush Tree’ came from the idea of always needing a spare toothbrush.  If you know what I mean.” [Daisy winks]  “Blindness of Strangers” refers to the idea that you don’t KNOW unless you KNOW.  Judging just isn’t cool.”

In a recent interview with RollingStone Daisy stated, “I hope this album reaches out to girls who are feeling neglected and misunderstood.  I want this to reach out to the women who are fed up with men thinking they’re in love with them.  And I want to reach out to the women who have been judged according to a double standard.  Stand up!  No more!  Be empowered.”

Only time will tell, but this reporter predicts Daisy’s gusto and attitude will launch her straight into multi-platinum status.

HAHAHAHAHA!  Ok – there you have it.  Sure sounds like I am a bit bitter eh?  Hmm.  Well it WAS just a writing prompt.  Or was it?  I guess only YOU can decide how much of the content REALLY has to do with my life right now (that is if any of it did.) 

You know that feeling on a REALLY super hot scorching day when your mouth is dry and your throat is parched? The feeling when you finally get your hands on an ice cold bottle of water (but not aquafina because aquafina is gross) – you know that feeling?   You take a sip of refreshing water and let out an insuppressible “ah.”

That’s how I felt tonight when I got home and took a shower.  I’ve been awake since 1:30am this morning and after a 3.5 hour flight, 10 hours at school and an hour bus ride home – it felt GOOD to be home and clean!!!  YAY for Daisy!!!

I have a few more “YAY!” moments to share.

• I’ve officially earned a Graduate Certificate in Peace and Conflict and can now tick the box “Graduate Degree” on surveys or applications.  No more ticking just a “Bachelors Degree” for me – I’m moving up in the nerdy world. 
• I am officially enrolled in the Masters of Digital Communication and Culture program at the University of Sydney.
• In order to fully immerse myself in my new digital adventure (and because I’m studying the effects of Twitter in school) – I just signed up for a Twitter account.  I told myself I would NEVER EVER EVER do this.  But now that I’ve done it - YAY!!!  Do you have a Twitter account?  I want to follow you!! (this is my twitter backdrop – I took the pic myself )

• Other than that – I’ve found a couple jobs I want to apply for and I have the day off tomorrow.  SUPER YAY!!!

In other news – these are the things on my mind:

• How is it that the people you wish most to avoid are the ones who regularly show up in your life? And the ones you would LOVE to run into again (like the hot Kiwi eying me) disappear?
• How is it that Captain Charisma consistently contacts me at just the moment when I’m feeling neglected by the other men in my life?  He has perfect timing every time.  And his message today was thoughtful and considerate.  Plus – surprisingly – he always watches my new FB and youtube videos.  Who would have thought?
• Is it really true that guys like UDB don’t give up?  I got a message from him too.
• I read an article about Google for school.  OhmyWOW!  Anyone else know exactly how much power that company wields?  And are the critics right?  Is Google making us stupid? Click HERE to read a great article about it.  Crazy.