Category Archives: Confessions

Taking it to the next level – Online Dating Step SEVEN – The Voice Call

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Online Dating goes in steps.  Today we’re going to talk about step SEVEN – yes step SEVEN – the voice call.

I’m not going to lie – I think I have this online dating thing about figured out.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  I’m kidding – kind of.  Ok the fact of it is – that I had no intention of pursuing online dating AT ALL but then I met some dudes who seemed to be pretty cool and as I engaged in contact with them I realized there were similarities in relationship patterns.  It’s quite fascinating!!!

Oh and watch for my upcoming book “Online Dating for the Dense.”  HAHAHAHAHA – just kidding – for real this time – well 90% for real.  I think I COULD prolly write a book on my studies but we’ll save that for another post.

Step Seven – A pretty big deal

Step seven is a pretty crucial step in online dating.  Yeah – that’s right – it’s a pretty big deal.  No more hiding behind words – the dude you’re talking to will now be able to HEAR you laughing at him, HEAR the cynicism in your voice, HEAR excitement – whatever – he can HEAR it.  And omgosh – don’t let me forget – umm – say hello to AWKWARD PAUSES.  (though nothing is worse than an awkward pause on skype – but that’s like level NINE so we’ll discuss that another day.)  So yeah – voice calls – a pretty big deal.

Timing is Key – calling too soon

WHY??  It’s just a phone call!!  Well because you need to make sure the timing is right.  Accurate voice call timing is crucial. Too soon and you may find yourself ending the phone call being like, “Umm alright -so yeah …” and you feel like you SHOULD say, “Talk to you soon” but you know you’re NEVER going to talk to him again so it’s a bit awkward.  PLUS if he’s all like, “This was great – I’m so glad we talked” blah blah blah – well – you feel even MORE awkward when you realize you don’t want to talk to him again.

Timing is Key – waiting too long

And then you have the other side of the fence – waiting too long before the voice call.  When this happens – you’ve been instant messaging so long that you already have an idea of how you think the other person sounds – or reacts – or just IS.  You THINK  you have an idea of their personality and then because of course you’re wrong – when you hear their voice you’re like, “omgosh – you sound like a nasal-y star trek geek who probably studies vulcan in your time off.”  WHAT DO YOU DO THEN??  Here you had these great expectations and then you talk to him and you have a mini online dating crisis.  Is this guy his voice??  Or is he his words??

Phone Calls – Golden!!

ANYWAY – if you’ve already made it through the first six steps of online dating and are prepared to take it to the next level – it’s a good sign.  Buuuutttttt – BEWARE.  Voice calls are not all they’re cracked up to be.  (haha especially if your voice cracks while talking.)  HOWEVER it’s not all gloom and doom.  Sometimes you talk to someone on the phone and are pleasantly surprised.  Suddenly you’re like, “Omgosh – I could totally see myself talking to you on a continual basis – you’re fun!”  And THAT is pretty dang cool.

Oh wait – let’s not get too excited yet.  Let’s be real – if you feel that it went SO AWESOME there’s a good chance he thought YOU sounded like a 16 year old girl who giggles too much.

Yeah – such is my life.  I bet you can’t WAIT to read about Webcams.  ;)

ANYWHO – Tonight I watched the sun set …

december 16a

It was pretty.  :)

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And because I heart me some seagulls :)  Here are a few of them:

december 16d

(I hope you love these pics ScoMan.)

december 16c

december 16b

The iBirds and the iBees, Cyber Chastity Belts

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You may or may not want to read this – either way – please don’t hold it against me – I’ll be back to regular programming tomorrow (or the next day.)  :)  Oh and before we start – I want to give shout outs to Deeleea and Frankly Scarlett.  Your friendships mean so much to me!!!  Luvs to you!!!!  Xx!~Daisy!!!!

The iBirds and the iBees, Cyber Chastity Belts

My naive inner cyber child asked my grown-up real life self, “Daisy, where do cyber-babies come from?”  And I have to be honest – I was a little stumped.  Cyber babies?  Wtheck?  And why do I have an inner cyber child?

Anyway, it has been my unfortunate experience as of late, to be the target of cyber-pressure.  Say WHAT??  Yeah.  I know.  I was shocked too.  WTHECK??

Call me naive but I had no idea how similar cyber-dating was to RL dating.  IN FACT – it’s actually worse than real life dating.   Why?  Because I added the word CYBER to the front of it.  And not only does that make it SOUND worse but it also allows for a whole new breed of douchebags.  Cyber Douchebags.  And guess what?  Cyber Douchebags are SUPER douchebags.

So right here and now – I’d just like to throw it out there that I have a Cyber Chastity Belt.  And GUESS WHAT??  I don’t lower my standards just because YOU have an iCloak of anonymity which gives you more courage to cyber hit on me.  And want to know what else?   I kind of  think you’re cybersluts!  Yep.  Cybersluts.  And cowards.  Maybe I’m wrong but I have a feeling you wouldn’t DARE speak to me that way in real life.  And if I could CYBERSLAP you, I would!!!!!

HOWEVER – with that said – I think it’s completely different when two people are getting to know each other and start cyber flirting and having a little cybersexy time.  That’s normal.  And I think it’s kind of fun to have an iCrush on someone.  In fact I DO have an iCrush on someone :)  BUT!!!!! What’s NOT normal are all the dudes from UTAH fronting to be religiously devout and “ohsoMoral and wonderful” but are REALLY cyberdirty and gross!   Oh SNAP!!!  Yeah – I did  - I went there.  I said it – and I think it’s time more people started taking a stand against cyber douchebags!!  Do you really think that morals don’t translate into the digital world?

There will be no iBirds and iBees busy making iSpring happen on THIS computer with any Cybersluts.  I have cyberstandards and iMorals!!!!    And I’m not going to have a one-night cyber-fling with you just because you think the internet is a guilt-free realm.  It shouldn’t be!!!! and I DO think your computer has a virus and I DON’T want it to infect mine.

I’ve got a super-fire-wall-cyber-chastity-belt.

And just like in REAL LIFE – in my CYBERLIFE, I can’t be PRESSURED into any cyberGROSS with you.

Dancing to no reflection – Green Velvet feat. Kid Sister

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It’s no secret I work on my personal development by seeing a counselor.  She’s pretty freaking cool except today we were talking about that blasted sea salt diet and how I signed up for a total fad diet when I didn’t need to lose weight, she goes, ”It’s sad isn’t it?  The hold narcissism has on you.”

Umm – WHAT??? then she tried to back track and be like, “Oh narcissism isn’t that bad – it’s just another way of saying vanity.”  But the damage had already been done.  She called me narcissistic!  Me?  Narcissistic?  I mean I only have a blog dedicated to my life, I participate in photo projects that include taking a picture of myself every single day for a year, and I like to dance in front of the mirror.  What’s so narcissistic about that?

;)  hahahahaha

ok ok – maybe she had a LIL bit of a point.  But only a LIL bit.  Then she goes, “I think you should put away your scale and your mirrors for a week.”  AND to add insult to the injury, she said, “Don’t worry, most people who are narcissistic just have really low self-esteems and we already knew you had a low self-esteem.”

Ohhhhhhh  kaaaaaaayyyyyyyy

Look – I was already FLOORED by her narcissistic accusation.  SHOCK!  Hello??  She wasn’t supposed to be so BLUNT!  And then she tells me to give up my scale and MIRRORS for a week??  And tells me my narcissism is a front for low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy.  Say WHAT?  I stood up to leave (the session was over) and she added, “Oh and this includes reflections in buildings or glass – but you can look at your face in the mirror if you want.”

I walked out of her office in complete and utter disbelief.  I’m still in a little bit of disbelief.  And then on the way home when I realized how many reflections I had to STOP myself from looking into – HAHAHAHAHAHA that’s when I decided – ok – I’ll do it.  But just because I CAN – even though you all don’t believe that I can.  :)

Tonight – here’s what I’ll be dancing to – with no reflection.  My mirror is covered up.  Oh dang.  Can I really go SEVEN DAYS???

Writing Prompt: 1st person narrative with limited references to self

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The assignment:  500 words.  Describe a situation in 1st person with only 2 references to yourself.  The idea is to be very descriptive without being too personal.  And no they didn’t tell me to write about hippos – all it said was describe a situation in 1st person with only 2 references to yourself – I just thought hippos would be fun.

The Green Tawking Hippo Academy

It’s not like I’ve never been to school before.  it’s just…  Well, when did hippos start wearing polka dot bikinis?

Maybe the name of the school should have given it away. Green Tawking Hippo Academy for Women. But it sounded so cool! For a budding environmentalist, it seemed perfect! What could be better than a school located in the heart of Tawking Canyon , on the banks of the Green River , and named after an endangered species? Can we say “nothing?”

Oh if only it were that simple and if only Hippos knew how to spell. Even though the school WAS in the middle of Tawking Canyon , the school wasn’t named after it. In fact, it wasn’t named after the Green River either. The founders of the school MEANT to name the school Green Talking Hippo Academy after all of the rich, successful Hippos who work there and can talk. But although these hippos have mastered speaking, they have yet to learn to spell. So yeah -  tawking hippos – talking hippos. Talk about a trip!

It wouldn’t really have been so bad to learn from the hippos. They are very unusual peop… umm … they are very unusual mammals. But the hippos weren’t interested in teaching about their ways. Nope. They were more interested in other things; though those other things did APPEAR to be of an environmental nature in the course catalog.

First Period – Blossoming Flowers. “Oh nooooooo, Ms. Nooncy,” the instructing hippo, wearing a burgundy mini skirt and a black tube top, shouted to a fellow classmate. “Grey is the WORST color for you to wear. It blends right into your skin. You must stand out! Be noticed. No wall flowers in my class. We are blossoming flowers! Beautiful! Bold! B… AHH! Ms. Pugmore, a corset is NOT going to help you hold your tummy in – and goodness gracious, why would you want to? We’re hippos – we’re fat – it is our defining feature and we must not try and hide it. Love the skin you’re in Ms. Pugmore. Love it.”

Second Period – Don’t Hunt. The instructor of this class wore the most ridiculous blond wig. It was fantastic! “First things first class.” She said as she paced back and forth in front of the class, “You are all Big, Beautiful, and Bold Hippos.” Long pause. “Now, I want you all to take a deep breath and feel the air cleanse your body, nourishing your beauty. Ok. Down to the important stuff. It is imperative that you, as female Hippos, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT hunt for male hippos. We are NOT rhinoceroses. We are Hippopotamuses and we do not hunt or chase our men like THEY do. Our men chase after us and if they’re LUCKY we may pay them some attention. But as a side note I don’t blame the Rhino men from running away from their women – I mean come on – just look at them! I’d run away from MYSELF if I looked like that.”

Third Period – The Study of Mother Earth. This one HAD to be an environmental class right? A petite hippo, if there is such a thing, stood up in front of the class. “Mother Earth has given us amazing gifts. The gift of water and the gift of earth. If we mix these gifts together we create the gift of beauty. Today we will be learning about mud baths, mud masks and the power we have to be beautiful.”

You know what? Hippos are a little intimidating all on their own. But having to hide behind a rock to avoid being trampled by a herd of hippos racing to the banks of the Green River for a mud bath is down right scary.

Lunch

Fourth Period – Tree Huggers 101 – “And one and two and three and four…” The teacher stopped her squats to welcome the class. “Hello everyone. Go ahead and take your place by a tree stump and rip it out of the ground like this. Ok good. Except you over there – honey I think a tree is too big for you. Why don’t you sit this one out?” No problems there! The rest of the class ripped out their stumps and placed them firmly between their teeth in the proper “hugging” manner. I shook my head and sighed as they did squats, while “hugging” their trees. Apparently it improves balance as well as muscle tone in Hippos. Go figure.

Fifth Period – Meteorology. Everyone raced to the changing rooms after fourth period to change into their bikinis. Hmm … meteorology and bikinis? And then everyone rushed to fifth period – which was being held at the sandy nook along the southern end of the Green River . “Alright class – settle down,” the instructor announced. “Today we learn about how the sun darkens our skin and makes it even MORE beautiful. Find a beach towel, lie down and let the sun soak into your skin. I’ll remind you in a half hour to flip to your other side. I hope everyone remembered to bring their unique bathing suit shapes because you will adore the patterns they leave on your skin later.” Tan lines are adorable? When clothing is optional and you are hippo… seemingly they are.

Not long after everyone had settled in, each covering four beach towels a piece, the principal arrived. After welcoming all the lovely new students she asked “Would the non-hippo please escort me to my office?”

Her office was close by and once she was settled into her snakeskin chair she apologized for a grave misunderstanding. “This is the Green “Tawking” Hippo Academy for Women as you well know, and although you are a woman… you are not a hippo and the school is for talking Hippos only. My sincerest apologies for the misunderstanding.” She went on, “It’s just that dear … when we saw your name – So Hippo – we just knew you had to be one of us. Who else would name their child So Hippo?  hahaha!  Anyway you’re dismissed.”

Walking out the door I muttered back to her, “It’s Sohi … Poe. The name is Sohi … Poe… NOT so hippo.” Not that the correction really mattered. It may as well be So Hippo to a green “tawking” hippopotamus.