We have got to stop meeting like this. ;)  Late at night.  Too tired to think straight.  Eating a dark chocolate orange ball. *SMACK!  SMACK!* That’s the sound of my Terry’s Dark Chocolate Orange, as always, splitting into perfect pieces.  *happy sigh*

It wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to realize J-doo-da and I broke up.  Who’s J-doo-da?  Oh, you know, ;) just the guy that I was dating this past year. :) My big mistake AND the inspiration for my new break-up playlist.  YAY!!!

haha!!

“There’s a side of you that I never knew .. and the things you said they were never true.”

AAANNNDDD let’s be honest, “I kind of always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend.” :-o though I DO wonder… ”Why’d you have to go and pick me? When you KNEW that we were different COMPLETELY!! … but I should have thought about that before we kissed..” haha! :)  Oh Gwen – you rock.

And we ALL know that “I can’t stand the restrictions. I find myself trying to change you, if you were meant to be my lover I wouldn’t have to…” *gasp!*

“Easy come, Easy go, that’s just how you live, take take take it all but you never give. Should have known you were trouble from the first kiss… ”

Wait a minute – Bruno Mars did you read my journal?? ;)

“Black Black, Black and Blue, beat me til I’m numb. Tell the devil I say “Hey” when you get back from where you’re from… ”

“There’s a fire starting in my heart, Reaching a fever pitch, it’s bringing me out of the dark, FINALLY I can see you crystal clear, Go ahead and sell me out and I’ll lay your shit bare, See how I’ll leave with every piece of you, Don’t underestimate the things that I will do.  … The scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all. You had my heart and soul inside of your hands but you played it to the beat.”

*sigh* I love music!!!!  AAANNNDDD being FREE has given me a renewed sense of self, a liberating freedom, tons of Holiday candy and an exquisitely SMACKED Terry’s DARK Chocolate orange. :)  Hip hip hooray!

Oh and I also found the courage and desire to get back on track with ME.

ME!!!!!

I’ve missed me.  ”I don’t know what I’ve done, or if I like what I’ve begun.  But something told me to run and honey, you know me, it’s ALL or NONE.  There were little voices whispering that I should go and this should end… cuz I don’t know who I am without you, but all I know is that I should…”

I’m FREE!!! I can be MYSELF. I won’t get texts telling me to delete my FB statuses or please take down pictures anymore. I won’t have someone adjusting the sleeves on my shirt to make sure I’m “proper and modest” and I can laugh at what I want, smile at whomever I want, and be the fun flirtatious girl I used to be. :)

And yes – I told him I wish I could erase him from my memory. :-o But that was a touch dramatic. haha!

It’s still going to take some time … I’ve been in a slump for months (long before we broke up) and I need to reignite my passion. I need to stop this pattern of behavior. The song above “scar” – oh it’s so me. :( And this blog is part of my healing process. :) YAY!  I’m getting closer to being ME again every single day. :) I have AMAZING friends!!! And I’m meeting so many great people!!

“He left a card and a bar of soap with a scrubbing brush next to a note, That said “use these down to your bones”.
And before I knew I had shiny skin and it felt easy being clean like him, I thought “this one knows better than I do”

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle…
He tried to cut me so I’d fit”

Sure, “My mind has eff-ed me over more times than any guy could ever know…” and “Maybe I should give up giving …” and “I’m sorry to whichever man should meet my sorry state, watch my steady lonesome gate and be aware…” BUT I will recover.

And I will look forward to being the happy carefree woman I once was, again, very soon. I have hope. :) And I’m excited to be ME again. :)

“I always take the high road and I always bite my tongue and say you’re right.  I never say just what I think for fear that you can’t handle it.  But tonight?  I can’t hold back, I’m breaking out of the gates and screaming, ‘Give me back my voice again! Give me back my soul!  Give me back my love again, I want to give it to someone else.”  I will not be calm, I won’t be nice.  Now all that time I wasted is time I’m making up – and it’s mine.  I’m not so scared of what I want, there’s a freedom in just being me. Sick of trying to make it easy. I’m on my own and I’m finally breathing. ‘Give me back my voice again! Give me back my soul!  Give me back my love again, I want to give it to someone else.”