Journal Day 4
I remember, at the age of 25, when I went to see a psychiatrist.
“What can I help you with Daisy?”
“I don’t know who I am, what I want from life, or what I like.”
He looked at me with surprise. He and I had met before. But he had met the persona. The image I had carefully crafted. He had always believed I was very self-assured, confident and independent. How could I not know myself? And why was I coming into see him when I didn’t have any disorders and didn’t need medication?? LOL!! It took a little discussion for him to understand what I wanted from therapy and then we began. I saw him for about a year and then moved to Australia where I picked up with a psychiatrist there.
TWO YEARS of therapy!!! and I still don’t know exactly who I am. It’s discouraging (i.e. yesterday’s post) but it’s not ALL doom and gloom. Because, although I may be far from the knowledge I seek – I am so so so so so so so so so so much closer than before.
Introspection Suggestions
I think a lot of bloggers have a very strong voice and identity. And since most of my readers are bloggers – these suggestions may be of no use to you. But for the random reader out there who may feel the way I did or still do … I hope this list of suggestions helps you learn a bit about yourself.
- Write a list of everything that you DO know about yourself. Look for patterns.
- Write your likes and dislikes. Look for similarities.
- Write your goals and dreams.
- Write what makes you truly smile or be happy – recognize what makes you sick or angry.
- Write what your goals and dreams were as a child – compare them to your other lists.
- Write down the top few things you want to know about yourself – and think of ways to help you figure them out.
- Make a 101 list to help you explore different sides of yourself. (this is really truly a must, must!!)
- Do a self-portrait picture a day project. (this one surprisingly helped a lot!)
- Try something new every couple of weeks – and try something you told yourself you would never try – see if you like it.
- If you can afford to – spend extended time in a new country.
- Try new foods. Even ones that SOUND gross.
- Record all of your feelings and reactions to your new experiences.
- Ask new friends for lists of their favorite things/movies/books – try/watch/read them.
- Maybe start blogging
I’m still in the process of learning about myself but I’m happy to report I’m making progress. :) My 101 list has been a great help, as was living in Australia, traveling, and learning to accept that I’m an introvert. (more on that later.)
I’ve finally given up the facade I’ve held onto for so long. It’s SCARY!!! I feel lost!!! But I’ll never truly find my voice if I don’t give up the manufactured one. And hopefully sometime soon I’ll find new and stronger wings with which to fly.
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I found some of the things on the list useful. Some I might even try one day as some sort of a project on my blog.. that way I’m committed to doing it and I can’t wuss out.
Accepting I’m an introvert was something I did a long time ago though. And since then I’ve been working on the next part of the plan “Make being an introvert cool”
This list is hard for me to understand and maybe that means that I really do know myself very well. I’m not sure. For instance, when you ask to list things you want to know about yourself, I have no idea what I would put there. What do you mean?
I put on this list “What am I passionate about? What do I really believe about religion? Where do I stand politically?” I’d always just kind of gone with the family on these things – I wanted to find out how I felt for MYSELF! Also I wanted to know – “What would I do with zero pressure – where would I find myself?”
I found myself taking a lot of walks – discovering a passion for nature – becoming an animal rights activist and moving across the world!!! :)
I think who we are and getting to know ourselves is an ever changing on going process.
One thing I have found is that if you do not go outside of your comfort zones you never truly know yourself – it’s important to see how you act and react to different stimuli.
I like your suggested list of activities. I’m going to try a few.
I am extra in love with your blog lately. I feel like I’m taking some awesome online course…for free! Like, I actually read what you have written and feel the urge to write a paper on my feelings about it, haha! You’re such a talented writer!
This sort of relates more to your last post, but I think maybe you’re failing to recognize that the fact that you didn’t just allow everyone who was trying to make you conform means that you actually WERE “finding yourself” all of the years you’ve been alive, and not just attempting to now. If you’d just given in to it all, you’d be a false version of who you were “meant” to be.
I don’t know…either way, I love reading your thoughts and you’re super smart and I hope you keep up these types of posts. :)
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If you asked me when I was 15 who I was – I could have told you. I would have been confident, sure, unbending.
If you asked me at 25 – I would hem and haw – ummm…hmmm… well… blah blah blah.
At 27 – it the confusion seems only to be growing! I am convinced this is life’s natural progression! “The more we learn. The less we know.” Lol. Life’s cruel little joke.
it was very interesting to read.
I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?
Wow, you are doing some important work in defining yourself. I read your “fail” post, and I have to say you have NOT failed. You were damaged by your hyper-critical father. But you fought back even then. You have defined your journey as one to find out who you are…but we change, every day. Might your journey really be about finding what makes you happy and fulfilled? Today? Because with that definition you can allow yourself to ENJOY those things that make you happy and fulfilled, which is really important.
I liked this post. Your list is very thoughtful and could be useful. Like you, I spent my teens and twenties agonising over the question of who I was – I’m now in my mid-forties and actually many of your questions have answered themselves. I guess the moral of my story is – don’t rush it, don’t force it, self-knowledge will come naturally, and with time. Just enjoy the experiences life brings and never forget to count your blessings (of which I see you have many). Greetings from Italy via BPOTW.