“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote comforts and depresses me.  The comfort comes in knowing that there are others who feel the way I do – that they can’t and won’t conform.  But it depresses me because it screams at me, “YOU ARE A FAILURE!”  A complete and pathetic failure with no backbone and no sense of identity.

For a little background – let me explain.  And btw – this is not a blamegamefest – I’m merely explaining how my sense of identity got lost along the way.  And yes – I’m FULLY aware if I weren’t such a failure none of these circumstances would have beat me down.  If I were “accomplished” according to this quote – I wouldn’t be writing this post.

My entire life I’ve been punished for having independent thought.  I wasn’t allowed to have opinions about what I liked or didn’t like. I was even grounded for hating and not wanting to eat pancakes (funny that … I found out at the age of 26 I was ALLERGIC to the wheat in pancakes) and I was disciplined for being shy.  My dad got mad at me for the way I dressed, the way I talked, the way I did my hair.  If my ideas weren’t in line with the lovely little church views they held then I was BAD! – and I had to be corrected.

Later, teachers in school reprimanded me for answering questions in my own way.  My way was faster, more accurate – but it left me with more free time to be bored.  I was often kicked out of class despite having a straight A grade point average.  Finally they had me skip a grade because I was too far ahead of the other students and the teacher felt I was a distraction (meaning I wasn’t normal – I was BAD – an inconvenience) and then my new older classmates in the new grade bullied me for the same reasons.

After school, I fell into relationships with men who saw this weakness and preyed upon it.  And by the time I was 25 I didn’t know what I liked.  I couldn’t tell you my favorite color, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, I had no idea where I wanted to end up, where I wanted to live – etc.  The most frequent words out of my mouth?  ”I’m sorry”  I apologized for everything – I would even apologize when someone asked me to pass the salt.  WHY??  Because if I were a “NORMAL” person I would have proactively passed the salt and no one would have had to have asked me.

I felt I could do nothing right.  Even the intelligence I had was all wrong – sure it was right in the sense that it was accurate but it was all book smarts – and let’s be honest – book smarts don’t do a lot of good in a world of socializing.

I was a highly intelligent girl who had completely lost her individuality.  I’d completely lost my soul.

So back to the quote - Yes it is an amazing accomplishment to know your mind and to follow it.  But I can’t help but wonder … if you were never given the chance to find yourself.  How do you start at such a late age?

I’ve been thinking a lot about self worth lately.  Self measure – HA!  According to societal standards I’ve done rather well – up until right now that is – Sure I’m well educated, I’ve traveled across the world, I have earned many awards and received plenty of recognition for the gifts of my mind.  I’m in good shape, look fairly decent – etc etc … but where am I today?  Living at home, in a job that doesn’t pay me enough, still uncertain about who I am.

According to MY self measurements I have FAILED.

I measure success by the ability to be who you.  To be the best YOU that you can be and to make it work for you.  But according to THIS measure – I will always be a failure for I have no idea who I am – and am afraid at this point in life – I never will.