“It’s just one of those days when you don’t want to wake up. life sucks. you want to justify ripping someone’s head off.” ~Limp Bizkit
Noise cancellation headphones. Lots of bass. Volume – a lot of volume – the kind that almost makes your ears ring – not the kind girls try to get in their hair. It’s quiet time. Quiet time with deafening emotional noise.
Admittedly I am going to sleep on the wrong side of the bed tonight. It’s just one of those days.
“In the brightest hour of my darkest day I realized what is wrong with me … days come and go but my feelings last forever” ~papa roach
Hmm – I should probably put a little sugar in this post. Let’s see … my brother taught me how to do tilt-shift effects on photography – I’ll come up with better examples when I’m not crabby/grumpy/tired/ornery (you get the picture) – but this will do for now.
Oh and while I’m throwing stuff out there – North Sydney is NOW on a space freak kick (so much for things staying the same – oh wait – that’s right – they DID stay the same – he ALWAYS freaks out)…
AAANNNDDD I believe I completely alienated CC+4 – which is actually kind of a funny story about the reality of mis-communication in emails but – not a story for today … and anyway – I feel kind of guilty – because I could PROBABLY correct the situation (and by probably I mean I totally could) but I don’t want to – and then I feel guilty because I don’t want to – like I’m a bad person for not wanting to repair things – but then my adviser says I need to learn to stop being so hard on myself and I think – WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE REASONS FOR EVERYTHING I DO AND FEEL?? Can’t I just FEEL a certain way?? Maybe I don’t FEEL like repairing things.
Matty Matt would say that’s perfectly fine – but my stupid conscience!!!!! It nags and nags and nags – the thing is – I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!
But I FEEL like I could have handled the situation better because I recognize there has been a misunderstanding and I FEEL like it’s my responsibility to fix things – but then I think …
WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX EVERYTHING?
And then I think “Because I’m the bigger person – or because I’m strong – or because I CAN and if I CAN then I SHOULD…” but then that OTHER side of my conscience kicks in and says – DAISY!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!! Stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to be perfectly unselfish and perfectly devoted to always putting yourself LAST.
WHY?? Because in some twisted form of rational logic putting myself last actually does more harm than good – and in that sense I should feel guilty for doing HARM – so it’s A NO WIN SITUATION. When I put myself and my feelings first – I feel guilty for being “selfish” and when I put myself last I feel guilty and resentful. Guilty because I know that ultimately putting myself last means I’m lowering my worth and making myself less worthwhile to society as a whole – and resentful because for 27 years I’ve tried to be everything that I SHOULD be – and being everything one SHOULD be is quite impossible. And I’m tired.
That’s right. I’m tired. Very very tired of it all.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
I think everyone goes through these moods. It is not bad, just something we have to go through. I went through it last week and part of this week. Only thing that brought up my spirits was knowing that my parents are coming.
I hope you can get out of your funk soon and NS can quit getting freaked out.
It sounds like one of those days which has topped off one of those weeks and pushed you a tad over the edge. It’s hard when you know you have information that could solve a problem with a friendship but at the same time the other person acted like such a jerk that you wonder why bother?
I’ve gone through that recently and lost a friend. I know I could have fixed it, but I didn’t want to. In my case, it worked out for the best, I’m happier now than I was then.. but this was not a friend with the long history you and CC+4 seem to share, this was a new friend.. so I guess comparing our situations isn’t really fair.
Hopefully you can rest and relax over the weekend and next week is a better one for you.