It’s now the afternoon of a fantastically beautiful day. I’ve showered, am about to get ready for what should be a rowdy night on the town. Yeah – hopefully it will be fun. I had an offer to stay in tonight but there’s something soothing about losing yourself in a crowd. As you slowly work yourself into the center of attention you are no longer the lost little girl whose younger brother disappeared from her life, you are no longer the lost little girl with no older brothers to turn to, you are no longer the lost little girl who feels more and more lonely every day despite your ever growing social circle. And more than all of this? You are no longer the ridiculous little girl who is obsessed with her weight.
The International Student Adviser suggested I go home for the winter break. [insert look of death] I told her I didn’t think I wanted to. I haven’t booked my ticket home. I haven’t put my room up for hire and I haven’t even looked at a calendar to see how many weeks until I COULD go home. I don’t care. Yes that’s right. Daisy – the girl who had a 16 week countdown last semester and couldn’t WAIT to get home now doesn’t care.
The counselor argued “Yeah but what about your family?” Well I talk to my mom or dad every day or every other day but if I go home I have to face the fact that recently my brothers chose to exclude me from their lives – going home HURTS. She counters, “Right but you have such a solid support group there.” Well yeah sure I have friends there but I keep in touch with some of them here. And as far as going to parties – I can do that here or there. She tries again, “But the weather here will be terrible. It will rain almost every day. It’s only for a month or two. Go home and recharge.” haha! Nice try. I don’t mind the rain. In fact, the rain quite suits me as of late.
Then she stabs me in the heart. “But what about your dogs?”
DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN IT! And that’s when I realize I’ve completely lost myself. What is going on? What is my problem? What happened to me? I should be COUNTING DOWN the very days until I can see them again.
My heart received the biggest jolt. My reality shaken.
Suddenly I could HEAR everything she was trying to tell me. Yes, yes. There IS something wrong. Yes – there is a problem. It’s been going on for a year now. And yes, when my brothers walked out of my life it got significantly worse. So YES I will go see your other counselor even though I don’t want to. And YES I will go see that other Dr who is not going to like what I tell him. Yes I will read your stupid packet of information. Yes I will keep a journal of stupid things that I DO NOT WANT TO KEEP TRACK of for you. And finally yes I will see you in a week, and another week, and another week.
And though I slightly resent it, yes I will get better.
And it is at this point that I realize my dogs have once again saved me from myself.
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*hugs*
Sometimes going home is good for you. Even when I didn’t want to go home, I’ve found it to be the recharge I needed after a vacation there.
Have a good time tonight!
Best of luck righting your world.
Sorry to hear about your brothers walking out.. I didn’t know that. Family can be very kind to you or very cruel.
But your dogs, your dogs will only ever be kind to you.
Hope you had a good night. (Personally, I feel more alone when in the middle of a crowd than I do when I’m sitting here in my empty flat)
Start looking for dates to go home….it will be good for you. You may get home & get a renewed sense of self. Plus I’m sure your dogs would love to see you! The whole family situation…well I think you kinda know my take on family, they turn out to be the people who disappoint you the most. And sometimes it’s best to love them for a distance, but I bet your parents would LOVE to see you!