The garden took my breath away.  Completely frozen, I could do nothing but wonder in awe at the beauty surrounding me.  Quiet.  Peaceful.  Colorful.  Alive.  I slowly turned a circle.  It couldn’t be real but it was.  The flowers smelled sweet.  The birds chirped merrily.  I could see the sun’s rays dancing off the flower petals.  I had stepped into a piece of heaven.  And I never wanted to leave.

Botanical Garden, NZ

I’ve heard it said that in these moments of solitude, when the world ceases to exist and you lose yourself in the beauty of the Earth, we find answers to what we seek.  It has never worked that way for me.  No no, it is my experience that when I lose myself to the beauty of a moment, my problems become lost as well.

Road in Mexico

Why am I bringing this up today?  Probably because I could use an escape.  I want to be lost in my surroundings again, far from the troubles weighing on my mind, far from the mental battle raging in my head.

My little security bubble, the independent ideal I claim to be striving toward, my foolish defensiveness built on a foundation of pride, it’s all under attack.   Do I really want what I say I want?    The whole, “I don’t need or want anyone else in my life EVER,” the “I will play tons and tons and  never get emotionally involved,” – the whole, “If I always am juggling then my heart will be safe …” is that still me?

It was SO much easier when I was so sure of what I wanted, or thought I wanted.  I was foolish and naive to think I would be immune to the ever-changing world.  Of course what I wanted yesterday would be different tomorrow.  But just for tonight I want to go back.  Back to the world where “alone” was desirable, where the R word was deplorable, where my conscience never guilted me for pushing people away.

Take me back to a yesterday, one far from this place.  Let me lose myself in a picturesque landscape once more.