Part of the reason I avoid relationships is because I have a difficult time breaking up with someone. Say what? Yeah it’s usually me doing the break-up. Why? Because I have a black hole where my heart is supposed to be. 
No, no, it’s not me! It’s them. 
And how much would I love to be able to come right out and say that!
Granted, I am the common denominator in the break-ups – or am I? YES! But it’s not as simple as that. I think it’s also possible that I keep meeting guys that suck – and that makes them also a common factor in this twisted math relationship. Wahoo! Avoiding responsibility is fun!
I’m kidding – kind of. I’m reading this book on boundaries and I’ve realized I need to do some serious work on mine. In that sense it is ME that is the problem. However, as I struggle to firm up my boundaries and as I work on having the courage to enforce my boundaries I’ve also realized I’ve taken too much of the blame.
I’ve always shouldered 100% of the responsibility in any potential relationship that didn’t work out. That’s right. And it’s not just the line, “It’s not you, it’s me” either. I actually take the responsibility to heart. In my happy rainbow land I believed that I should be able to like and get along with any person in the world. Matty Matt reminds me continuously that I don’t have to like everyone (I’ve already accepted that not everyone will like me.) And what’s more – he says I don’t have to have a reason for not liking someone. He says if I just don’t “feel it” with someone then it’s ok. I don’t need to feel guilty. I can’t wrap my head around that entirely but I also recognize he’s over-simplifying things for me because I martyr myself over every person I don’t like. I feel SO guilty that I trap myself into being with that person even MORE because I’m crazy and think I owe them penance or something for feeling they aren’t that great.
This has to stop. Why? Because maybe it IS them. Maybe it’s not me. Maybe they really aren’t that great. I think it’s time to give MY feelings more credit.
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Or maybe it is a little bit of the both of you? I’ve never walked away from a relationship without sharing the responsibilty of failure. But thats me.
Just a thought.
Good point Orhan Kahn, but Daisy could do the same things in relationships as I do. That is running…not walking! I find that if you run away from relationships rather than simply walking away from them, you don’t have to share that responsibility of failure. It is all their fault!!! It really is a beautiful thing.
I’m merely talking about potential relationships – not actual relationships. :) I completely agree that it takes two to tango but in the situations I’m speaking about no one is necessarily doing anything wrong. The point I’m trying to make is that it’s ok if I don’t want a relationship with someone and it very well could be because that person just isn’t my type – which makes it THEM and not ME. I don’t think I should feel compelled to put in effort and have a relationship with every person I go on a date with. And I don’t need to feel guilty if after one date I don’t want to see the person again.
you are right guys. its just that in a relationship, both of you should really work the things out to have a ssuccessful realtionship…
Chris,
You should never shoulder more than 50% of the responsibility in a relationship. In terms of feeling you have to be with someone, I don’t think that will ever lead to anywhere successful – but I could be wrong.
Makes complete sense.
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