Day 7 – Be wary of wisdom
THEY in their great wisdom used to preach to me. They claimed to have all of the answers. They promised to help me heal the scars from my trauma – all I needed to do was unconditionally forgive.
It makes sense – to be free of resentment, free from disappointment – a great recipe for peace! I clung to the idea.
They also preached that taking control of your own life means you can never be hurt. YOU have the choice to NOT be hurt. YOU have the choice to NOT take offense. YOU give others the power to hurt you and you have the choice to take that power away. What an empowering thought!!!
Following this logic, a relationship can’t ever be destructive if you are doing your part.
A beautiful idea. A beautiful and deleterious idea.
Forgiveness – yes! Letting go of resentment – yes!
I can forgive others for trying to hurt me. I can prevent myself from feeling hurt. I do not need to dwell on how I perceive others have wronged me.
But believing that my attitude ALONE will be the determining factor in the success of a relationship? That I cannot do.
That would require super-human self control. And expectations like that only burden one with unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations offer nothing more than the hope for permanent failure.
I am not perfect. And I do not have the power to control a relationship on my own. I must not be scared to terminate relationships where I am the only one taking responsibility for my actions. I must not be scared to terminate relationships with people who can’t own up to their mistakes. And I must not be scared to terminate relationships with perma-blamers/victims or liars.
After a month or two in Al-anon, I felt like a failure for even CONSIDERING to leave an emotionally abusive, overly aggressive alcoholic. How DARE I!!! What a cold heartless woman! If only I would change my attitude I could be grateful for the relationship that was slowly destroying my soul.
Then one day a woman in Al-anon pulled me aside and said this,
“Honey, we’re not supposed to say things like this. And I know I shouldn’t be saying this. But you are young. You have so much promise and a whole life ahead of you. You don’t NEED this. You don’t need to love an alcoholic.”
I stared at her in shock. She was going against every Al-anon principle I had learned!! And then she continued,
“I’ve been in Al-anon for 25 years. I promise you this is not a path you want to be on if you have the choice to leave. You have no children. You have no ties to him. You don’t need to stay.”
And then she said the words that I will remember for the rest of my life:
“Relationships are a lot like shoes. Sometimes they wear out and sometimes …” she paused, “sometimes hun, they never fit in the first place.”
Love the Way You Lie – Eminem feat Rihanna
Right click above and “save as” to download- or click on to hear the song. I think it’s appropriate for our topic of discussion.
**Update** Scoman said I’m very lucky to have met this woman – here is my reply:
You are so right!! I am lucky to have met her :) And even though it’s been almost 5 years since then … her words apply to all relationships – not just ones with alcoholics.
Sure – we should do all that we can to make a relationship work – but if the other person wants a free ride – or wants to take advantage of your trying – or wants to continually vilify YOU and keeps making you feel inadequate so that you are always blaming yourself for everything … well it’s those relationships that you need to end.





Aren’t they SOOOO cute??? :)
We made them for Duchess and Chloe’s FIFTH birthday!!! Can you believe they’re FIVE?? Me either. ;) And I also can’t believe that I have the coolest boyfriend in the world who helped me plan a doggy birthday party!!!! :)
8 months ago when I first met the BF and learned he is a neat FREAK (don’t worry baby – I love you anyway) I really worried that he wouldn’t get along with my girls and that we wouldn’t be able to live happily ever after. I’m a package deal – insta-doggy-family. And seriously they SHED SO MUCH HAIR IT’S UNBELIEVABLE – I couldn’t imagine him handling it well.
And lucky us!! Zack Attack (my nephew) was able to come and play as well :)
Speaking of playing – the BF was introduced into the Daisy Family Bocce Ball tournaments. YAY!! And he didn’t suck. :) *happy sigh* Have I mentioned how well he fits into my family?
*Another Happy Sigh*
Today all over the web are these articles about the new “buttcheek sensors”. I couldn’t believe it. ”WHAT? WHY ARE THEY POSTING THAT EVERYWHERE – umm… every car is required to have one of these??!??”



