Remember the time I said I was going to teach the world to sing? And I was so excited and dedicated? But instead of teach I said blog about stress reduction because I can’t sing? And then I only wrote like 3 blogs about it?
Or what about the time I said I was going to take a self-portrait every single day for a year but ended up only doing it for about 90 days? Yeah… umm… about that.
In other news, I was super pleased and excited to learn that the kids I teach in church adore me. :) YAY! Happy days!
Once upon a time there was girl who really liked to start stories in her mind with the phrase “once upon a time.” *happy sigh* ”Once upon a time” is so romantic. :) There’s really no other way to start a story I think – unless of course you want your story to be a cold, heartless, bitter, tragedy. But even then, it’s prolly better to go ahead and give it a good ole “once upon a time” to start, JUST IN CASE at the last second you decide Dexter is going to swoop in and save the day by murdering a bad guy. Or Detective Morgan!! It doesn’t always have to be a guy who does the rescuing.
What? You don’t think you’re going to put DEXTER into the cold, heartless, bitter, tragedy of a daydream that you start with the words “once upon a time”? WELLLL…. unless you are psychic, :) you can’t really tell me it’s not a possibility. ESPECIALLY since I just used Jedi mind power to plant that seed.
Just saying.
So this girl, the one who lived once upon a time and liked to start daydreams with those very same words? She started watching a lot of Dexter and then when she finished that series she started watching a lot of Bones and would you EVER guess that after watching so many hours of emotionally handicapped and socially awkward main characters that she started to develop her OWN personal brand of “don’t give a gosh darn good golly gracious thing-a-ma-bobber about what other people think” attitude?
If you didn’t guess, don’t be too hard on yourself. :) *loves!* I mean, YES the title of this blog already gave away the answer and so you probably should have guessed BUT no biggie!! :) We already established that you aren’t psychic AAANNNDDD a phrase like “gosh darn good golly gracious thing-a-ma-bobber” takes wicked mind power to conjure up and, well, we can’t ALL be Dr. Brennans around here.
Just saying. ;)
Tick tock. Tick tock. And the pendulum swings.
I would much rather have regrets about not being what people said than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I’d just been myself ~ Brittany Renee
I am who I am. Deal with it. ;) And what. ever. I sooooo did not get scared, really late at night, when my dogs growled at noises outside and it sounded like someone was trying to RAKE THE CEMENT, over and over and over and over RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW, after watching three episodes in a row of the trinity killer. Psh. That season was for babies.
If you set it free and it comes back to you, does that mean it’s yours to keep? What if you’re the one who flew away? If it’s there when you’re ready to come home – can you stay forever?
“oh smooshy face I’ve missed you”
and “pumpkin button, I’m crazy wild about you”
hee hee – I hope you don’t choke!!! ;)
Kiss.
“You have perfect Lips”
“I know” :)
oops!!! yikes. strike that. I meant…
“Why thank you.” :)
mmmm… yum. love this song. I have it on repeat.
Want to know something else I love? Finding out that the only thing holding me back is ME or rather WAS me. You see – the deliciousness of this particular type of discovery is that when it’s ME that is the obstacle? I have the control and will to change. Obstacle obliterated.
BOOM!
OOORRRR maybe it’s not quite like that. It’s more like this
What?? Changing long time personal habits can be kind of a slow process!!!!
hahahaha. :) But what if all of those fears you had before – you know – the ones that made you doubt what he said? the ones that made you scared to risk your heart? well, what if you were wrong?
“I was afraid you’d never want to speak with me again”
“Then you really didn’t know how I felt about you, did you?”
“No.”
“I’m glad you found me.”
“I don’t want to lose you from my life again”
“gushy gushy lovey dovey this really really is ridiculous isn’t it?” haha!!! YES!!!!! :)
“but baby, I really do absolutely adore you, like wild adore you, like insane adore you”
repeat. ;)
What does this all mean? I’m not sure either. I only know that:
”No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other’s worth.” – Robert Southey
Happy New Year! Has it really been a year? So much has happened!!! Yet we pick up, almost, as if nothing has… and here we are – same holiday, same time, same place. We laugh. Is it possible?
It’s kind of trippy to see Katy Perry as a senior citizen. :-o It’s also kind of trippy when someone from your past starts haunting your thoughts. Want to know what ELSE is ALSO trippy?? Too bad. :) I’m going to tell you anyway. :) It’s ALSO trippy when you realize they never left your thoughts, you just couldn’t entertain those thoughts until now. :-o
AAANNNDDD I seriously watch WAY too much ghost whisperer because I thought “Katy Perry has a ghost!!!! Better call Melinda Gordon STAT!” when I saw the end of this video.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok so maybe I didn’t really think THAT exactly. :) but I DID think GHOST WHISPERER when he went to touch her hand. :-o
I heart me some tourist for shizzle. I heart me that song too. *happy sigh* Did anyone else fall in love with this plot and movie? And has anyone else gone back to an old cell phone record/bill in order to find a number they deleted so that they could UN-delete it? :) :)
WHAT?? Who said that I did that? You must be craaaazzeee. I meant like “anyone else” as in like anyone besides the any ONE person who MIGHT have done that and who probably ONLY did that because the owner of said number deleted his OR her facebook account but who definitely wasn’t me – umm – yeah. :) haha. Because ME, MYSELF AND I?? I only went back to the cell phone record to CONFIRM that the number sitting in the “trash” of my verizon wireless back-up assistant was the number I really WAS looking for. ;) haha. (which btw – I didn’t even KNOW Verizon kept my trashed numbers until tonight!!! can I get another “craaaaazzeeeee” please? cuz that is CRAAAAAAAZZEEEE! good news.) hahahaha!!!!
So yeah… It felt pretty stalkerish to go back and look up a number in the past. :-o But it’s late – I’m tired – I’m feeling a touch loopy and yeah – YAY – yeah – I did what had to be du-du-du-done. Pound Pound PEACE!
“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” – E. E. Cummings
We have got to stop meeting like this. ;) Late at night. Too tired to think straight. Eating a dark chocolate orange ball. *SMACK! SMACK!* That’s the sound of my Terry’s Dark Chocolate Orange, as always, splitting into perfect pieces. *happy sigh*
It wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to realize J-doo-da and I broke up. Who’s J-doo-da? Oh, you know, ;) just the guy that I was dating this past year. :) My big mistake AND the inspiration for my new break-up playlist. YAY!!!
haha!!
“There’s a side of you that I never knew .. and the things you said they were never true.”
AAANNNDDD let’s be honest, “I kind of always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend.” :-o though I DO wonder… ”Why’d you have to go and pick me? When you KNEW that we were different COMPLETELY!! … but I should have thought about that before we kissed..” haha! :) Oh Gwen – you rock.
And we ALL know that “I can’t stand the restrictions. I find myself trying to change you, if you were meant to be my lover I wouldn’t have to…” *gasp!*
“Easy come, Easy go, that’s just how you live, take take take it all but you never give. Should have known you were trouble from the first kiss… ”
Wait a minute – Bruno Mars did you read my journal?? ;)
“Black Black, Black and Blue, beat me til I’m numb. Tell the devil I say “Hey” when you get back from where you’re from… ”
“There’s a fire starting in my heart, Reaching a fever pitch, it’s bringing me out of the dark, FINALLY I can see you crystal clear, Go ahead and sell me out and I’ll lay your shit bare, See how I’ll leave with every piece of you, Don’t underestimate the things that I will do. … The scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all. You had my heart and soul inside of your hands but you played it to the beat.”
*sigh* I love music!!!! AAANNNDDD being FREE has given me a renewed sense of self, a liberating freedom, tons of Holiday candy and an exquisitely SMACKED Terry’s DARK Chocolate orange. :) Hip hip hooray!
Oh and I also found the courage and desire to get back on track with ME.
ME!!!!!
I’ve missed me. ”I don’t know what I’ve done, or if I like what I’ve begun. But something told me to run and honey, you know me, it’s ALL or NONE. There were little voices whispering that I should go and this should end… cuz I don’t know who I am without you, but all I know is that I should…”
I’m FREE!!! I can be MYSELF. I won’t get texts telling me to delete my FB statuses or please take down pictures anymore. I won’t have someone adjusting the sleeves on my shirt to make sure I’m “proper and modest” and I can laugh at what I want, smile at whomever I want, and be the fun flirtatious girl I used to be. :)
And yes – I told him I wish I could erase him from my memory. :-o But that was a touch dramatic. haha!
It’s still going to take some time … I’ve been in a slump for months (long before we broke up) and I need to reignite my passion. I need to stop this pattern of behavior. The song above “scar” – oh it’s so me. :( And this blog is part of my healing process. :) YAY! I’m getting closer to being ME again every single day. :) I have AMAZING friends!!! And I’m meeting so many great people!!
“He left a card and a bar of soap with a scrubbing brush next to a note, That said “use these down to your bones”.
And before I knew I had shiny skin and it felt easy being clean like him, I thought “this one knows better than I do”
A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle…
He tried to cut me so I’d fit”
Sure, “My mind has eff-ed me over more times than any guy could ever know…” and “Maybe I should give up giving …” and “I’m sorry to whichever man should meet my sorry state, watch my steady lonesome gate and be aware…” BUT I will recover.
And I will look forward to being the happy carefree woman I once was, again, very soon. I have hope. :) And I’m excited to be ME again. :)
“I always take the high road and I always bite my tongue and say you’re right. I never say just what I think for fear that you can’t handle it. But tonight? I can’t hold back, I’m breaking out of the gates and screaming, ‘Give me back my voice again! Give me back my soul! Give me back my love again, I want to give it to someone else.” I will not be calm, I won’t be nice. Now all that time I wasted is time I’m making up – and it’s mine. I’m not so scared of what I want, there’s a freedom in just being me. Sick of trying to make it easy. I’m on my own and I’m finally breathing. ‘Give me back my voice again! Give me back my soul! Give me back my love again, I want to give it to someone else.”
